I don't know. I have no memories at all prior to waking up in the forests of Ize-Vti seven years ago.
[Usually Zvei doesn't feel much. Enthusiasm and interest for the unknown, for pursuing knowledge just for the sake of it, but otherwise it's just... blank. But this discussion threatens to strangle him with feelings he can't put a name to. Is he upset at what happened, and angry at being pitied for it? Is he afraid of revealing so much to someone else? None of those words seem right for the feelings that claw at him, reminding him of how damn desperate he is to set things right.]
...It's appreciated. Though it may be best to keep this between us, for the time being, anyway.
[As it turns out, there's another perfectly good reason not to bring this up to anyone else - because he hates talking about it. He wants to get rid of these feelings and go back to the usual empty apathy, because at least that's familiar.]
I... appreciate your... [concern? care? sympathy?] words. I will find a way to reclaim what I've lost, no matter what it takes.
...That is a great many years to be stolen from you, my child. Fret not; one way or another, they will come back to you. And I will not speak of this to a single soul; of that, you have my word.
[There's so much that she wants to ask him, like what he's tried already, what he's done--but while Amaya sucks at expressing emotions, she's halfway decent at reading them on others sometimes. And she can tell that Zvei feels...perhaps a little uncomfortable; perhaps that's why his words leave with such difficulty.
There's an intensity to her words, something akin to an oath, but when she speaks again, it's...]
...I think it's only right that I tell you this much, at least. I...do know that I may seem unreadable, but it is not my intention to do so. I...simply cannot feel any sort of positive emotion, and the last fifteen years of my own life have been spent attempting to learn how to act as an actual person.
[Cold eyes are trained on Zvei, and her body language doesn't betray anything; it's the same look she's been giving him this entire time. But...]
I cannot say that I understand your situation, nor how to react to it. But...I do pray that my words do not come off as empty. It has always been my hope to be an ear that anyone can speak into, no matter the circumstance. But it should not come by force.
...You needn't continue unless you are comfortable, is what I am saying.
[Amaya offers information of her own - perhaps a this-for-that, or perhaps a genuine attempt to assuage whatever fears he might have about her being insincere. Not that it was a concern to begin with; she may read strangely, but she hasn't read as insincere to him.
Though this explains why he hasn't been able to read her very well - because there isn't as much to read. Mismatched eyes go wide, though likely not for the reason she's expecting.]
Your feelings don't function as most others' do?
[She specifically said that she "cannot feel any sort of positive emotion" which is not quite the same as his own rather lacking feelings, but it's the first time he's run into someone who has something wrong with their feelings at all - or at least has admitted it to him. On top of that, she's apparently had to learn how to act as a person - and not because she was robbed of her memories and understanding of why she's like this. There are threads there that almost connect, but are just a bit off - even so, it's much closer to his experiences than the vast majority of peoples' ever are.]
I appreciate your words; rest assured that you haven't come across as empty or insincere. Though I'm curious; you don't feel things as other people do... do you feel anything at all?
[This likely comes across as a super insensitive question, and he asks it with the same amount of intense interest as everything else...]
[Amaya listens as Zvei asks that much; her look doesn't even seem to narrow or bristle when he asks it, because she did offer him this much. Her body language may be tight, and--
Go on, then. Tell him everything. Tell him all about the wretch you truly are. Perhaps I can make you tell him--
--She briefly closes one eye, an almost flinching motion as she tries to get herself back under control. It opens after a few moments, but...
...Was one of those eyes always rimmed with a little red? Probably just your imagination.]
I do feel some things. Negative emotions in their entirety; the thrum of adrenaline, and bodily reaction. But anything positive has been out of my reach for the past fifteen years...at least in entirety. It is...why I speak in the manner that I do; I attempt to ascertain the feelings that would be "correct" in a situation and attempt to react accordingly.
...Though, my attempts at imitating positive emotion tend to come off more...unnerving, than anything else. So I simply attempt to keep a cool head, because acting otherwise would be unfitting of a woman in my position.
[How strange... surely her eye wasn't always like that? But even as he studies her intensely, he finds he isn't sure. Maybe it was and he just didn't notice it until now. Or maybe it is a result of... something. Whatever seemed to give her a momentary headache?]
Fascinating...
[He then catches himself, realizes that he's being... A Little Much, and backpedals.]
Apologies, I'm sure this has come off as exceptionally rude. It's simply that I haven't met someone before who has such emotional issues; it's not quite the same as my own, but it's closer than any normal person's feelings are.
I am still capable of feeling positive emotions, it's simply that I... don't feel much of anything the majority of the time. My curiosity and interest are genuine, but learning is about the only thing that brings me any sort of enjoyment. Much of my demeanor is constructed to pass as being normal, much like your own... though I've also been told it comes off as unnerving.
[Probably because he missed the memo that being upbeat 24/7 is really weird, actually.
This, on the other hand, feels... maybe more genuine. There's a strange intensity to both his stare and his words that isn't usually present, and his excitable demeanor has faded into something focused and calmer; perhaps this is the "real" Zvei - if "Zvei" can even be called real to begin with.]
...Quite so, but it really isn't that much of a bother...
[Should I turn up your irritation, then? Maybe a good slap across the mouth will get him in li--
The red recedes from her eyes in entirety, though Amaya's posture and expression remain a little tense. She's absolutely just going to need to hide in the bathroom in the dark for a little bit after this, her head is starting to ache...but she doesn't miss the way Zvei's tone shifts, the way that intensity comes out.
Perhaps this is the true Zvei, coming out a bit.]
...You do a better job at it than I, I will grant you that much. People always have a way of looking upon us oddly, don't they? Oddly upon those who cannot play their strange, posturing games.
Fret not, however; I do believe I understand. For you, feelings in general are more akin to a flame that burns bright and dies all too quick...
Do you feel emptiness too, then, when there is nothing left to feel?
[Oh! She thinks he's doing a good job at it. That's nice. c:]
They certainly do. I wouldn't mind it so much if they would simply just explain themselves once it becomes obvious that I'm not understanding... but most take that as a silent cue not to bother any further.
You're right - usually that's exactly how it feels. Empty, hollow... which can occasionally be preferable to feeling too much, but it's... certainly an oddity. I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't know how to fix it either.
[Granted, he's not entirely sure he'd want to fix it even if he could. People make so many stupid decisions because of feelings and feeling so much, all the time?? Yeesh. Still, being normal does have its allure - and at the very least he wants to understand why he's like this.]
Do you know why you're incapable of feeling anything positive?
[He imagines she does, but this is probably the more polite way of asking such a question.]
[congratulations, the former cult darling thinks your normal!!!]
...I do, though I would...prefer not to go into it too much, if you do not mind. It is quite the long story. For me, it's...
Something forced upon me, by an outside force. Something more akin to a curse, rather than simply being unable to feel such things.
[Amaya rubs at one of her temples, briefly, that headache clearly intensifying though she's doing a lot to keep it off her face otherwise.]
People truly are cruel to you as well. You've my empathy, if little else. And...if there is anything I can answer for you in that regard, I can always try. My retainer has been trying to help me understand emotions properly for the past fifteen years; the least I can do is pass on what knowledge I can, to someone else in need.
[A curse? So it's something she has no control over, and something she's likely learned to live with. But does she seek a cure for it? If she did, wouldn't that be her driving desire more than her people's safety? How fascinating - he wants to learn more. He wants to ask so many damn questions about it, and... yet she's already said she'd rather not go into detail on it. Later, he tells himself. Maybe later she'll be more willing to answer his questions.]
I see. A very different set of circumstances, but one that have somehow managed to be somewhat comparable to my own. What a strange coincidence that we'd met one another here!
[Of all the various worlds represented here, what are the odds? How delightful.]
You have my thanks for that, and I've no doubts I'll need to take you up on that at some point. My understanding of others is often very limited...
[It's plausible, at least to Amaya. Or at the very least, the universe had a really funny idea about two people to inflict upon one another. Amaya breathes a bit, centering herself as she finally starts to move to get up. A little shaky, but it's fine.]
It truly is no trouble, however. If my knowledge that I am slowly gaining can be of use, then I am glad to serve the people as I always do.
[Mismatched eyes follow her as she stands, noticing that she's a little unsteady. He's ready to catch her if she needs it, or toss a heal or two her way if that'll help, but for now she seems fine. Maybe her leg fell asleep while we were sitting here.]
I'm not one of yours, though. [It's light, almost teasing.] But it is appreciated. Are you getting ready to turn in for the night?
Worry not, I shall. If it helps this headache recede, perhaps we can talk some more...
However for now, I'll bid you good night in case I do not come out again. Please, do excuse me.
[And with a practiced bow, Amaya will in fact be off to the bathroom to just. Get her head back in order. The dark has always been good for that, but she's likely going to just leave Zvei be for the rest of the night.]
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necromants) wrote2025-11-14 06:01 pm
no subject
[Usually Zvei doesn't feel much. Enthusiasm and interest for the unknown, for pursuing knowledge just for the sake of it, but otherwise it's just... blank. But this discussion threatens to strangle him with feelings he can't put a name to. Is he upset at what happened, and angry at being pitied for it? Is he afraid of revealing so much to someone else? None of those words seem right for the feelings that claw at him, reminding him of how damn desperate he is to set things right.]
...It's appreciated. Though it may be best to keep this between us, for the time being, anyway.
[As it turns out, there's another perfectly good reason not to bring this up to anyone else - because he hates talking about it. He wants to get rid of these feelings and go back to the usual empty apathy, because at least that's familiar.]
I... appreciate your... [concern? care? sympathy?] words. I will find a way to reclaim what I've lost, no matter what it takes.
no subject
[There's so much that she wants to ask him, like what he's tried already, what he's done--but while Amaya sucks at expressing emotions, she's halfway decent at reading them on others sometimes. And she can tell that Zvei feels...perhaps a little uncomfortable; perhaps that's why his words leave with such difficulty.
There's an intensity to her words, something akin to an oath, but when she speaks again, it's...]
...I think it's only right that I tell you this much, at least. I...do know that I may seem unreadable, but it is not my intention to do so. I...simply cannot feel any sort of positive emotion, and the last fifteen years of my own life have been spent attempting to learn how to act as an actual person.
[Cold eyes are trained on Zvei, and her body language doesn't betray anything; it's the same look she's been giving him this entire time. But...]
I cannot say that I understand your situation, nor how to react to it. But...I do pray that my words do not come off as empty. It has always been my hope to be an ear that anyone can speak into, no matter the circumstance. But it should not come by force.
...You needn't continue unless you are comfortable, is what I am saying.
no subject
Though this explains why he hasn't been able to read her very well - because there isn't as much to read. Mismatched eyes go wide, though likely not for the reason she's expecting.]
Your feelings don't function as most others' do?
[She specifically said that she "cannot feel any sort of positive emotion" which is not quite the same as his own rather lacking feelings, but it's the first time he's run into someone who has something wrong with their feelings at all - or at least has admitted it to him. On top of that, she's apparently had to learn how to act as a person - and not because she was robbed of her memories and understanding of why she's like this. There are threads there that almost connect, but are just a bit off - even so, it's much closer to his experiences than the vast majority of peoples' ever are.]
I appreciate your words; rest assured that you haven't come across as empty or insincere. Though I'm curious; you don't feel things as other people do... do you feel anything at all?
[This likely comes across as a super insensitive question, and he asks it with the same amount of intense interest as everything else...]
no subject
[Amaya listens as Zvei asks that much; her look doesn't even seem to narrow or bristle when he asks it, because she did offer him this much. Her body language may be tight, and--
Go on, then. Tell him everything. Tell him all about the wretch you truly are. Perhaps I can make you tell him--
--She briefly closes one eye, an almost flinching motion as she tries to get herself back under control. It opens after a few moments, but...
...Was one of those eyes always rimmed with a little red? Probably just your imagination.]
I do feel some things. Negative emotions in their entirety; the thrum of adrenaline, and bodily reaction. But anything positive has been out of my reach for the past fifteen years...at least in entirety. It is...why I speak in the manner that I do; I attempt to ascertain the feelings that would be "correct" in a situation and attempt to react accordingly.
...Though, my attempts at imitating positive emotion tend to come off more...unnerving, than anything else. So I simply attempt to keep a cool head, because acting otherwise would be unfitting of a woman in my position.
no subject
Fascinating...
[He then catches himself, realizes that he's being... A Little Much, and backpedals.]
Apologies, I'm sure this has come off as exceptionally rude. It's simply that I haven't met someone before who has such emotional issues; it's not quite the same as my own, but it's closer than any normal person's feelings are.
I am still capable of feeling positive emotions, it's simply that I... don't feel much of anything the majority of the time. My curiosity and interest are genuine, but learning is about the only thing that brings me any sort of enjoyment. Much of my demeanor is constructed to pass as being normal, much like your own... though I've also been told it comes off as unnerving.
[Probably because he missed the memo that being upbeat 24/7 is really weird, actually.
This, on the other hand, feels... maybe more genuine. There's a strange intensity to both his stare and his words that isn't usually present, and his excitable demeanor has faded into something focused and calmer; perhaps this is the "real" Zvei - if "Zvei" can even be called real to begin with.]
no subject
[Should I turn up your irritation, then? Maybe a good slap across the mouth will get him in li--
The red recedes from her eyes in entirety, though Amaya's posture and expression remain a little tense. She's absolutely just going to need to hide in the bathroom in the dark for a little bit after this, her head is starting to ache...but she doesn't miss the way Zvei's tone shifts, the way that intensity comes out.
Perhaps this is the true Zvei, coming out a bit.]
...You do a better job at it than I, I will grant you that much. People always have a way of looking upon us oddly, don't they? Oddly upon those who cannot play their strange, posturing games.
Fret not, however; I do believe I understand. For you, feelings in general are more akin to a flame that burns bright and dies all too quick...
Do you feel emptiness too, then, when there is nothing left to feel?
no subject
They certainly do. I wouldn't mind it so much if they would simply just explain themselves once it becomes obvious that I'm not understanding... but most take that as a silent cue not to bother any further.
You're right - usually that's exactly how it feels. Empty, hollow... which can occasionally be preferable to feeling too much, but it's... certainly an oddity. I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't know how to fix it either.
[Granted, he's not entirely sure he'd want to fix it even if he could. People make so many stupid decisions because of feelings and feeling so much, all the time?? Yeesh. Still, being normal does have its allure - and at the very least he wants to understand why he's like this.]
Do you know why you're incapable of feeling anything positive?
[He imagines she does, but this is probably the more polite way of asking such a question.]
no subject
...I do, though I would...prefer not to go into it too much, if you do not mind. It is quite the long story. For me, it's...
Something forced upon me, by an outside force. Something more akin to a curse, rather than simply being unable to feel such things.
[Amaya rubs at one of her temples, briefly, that headache clearly intensifying though she's doing a lot to keep it off her face otherwise.]
People truly are cruel to you as well. You've my empathy, if little else. And...if there is anything I can answer for you in that regard, I can always try. My retainer has been trying to help me understand emotions properly for the past fifteen years; the least I can do is pass on what knowledge I can, to someone else in need.
no subject
I see. A very different set of circumstances, but one that have somehow managed to be somewhat comparable to my own. What a strange coincidence that we'd met one another here!
[Of all the various worlds represented here, what are the odds? How delightful.]
You have my thanks for that, and I've no doubts I'll need to take you up on that at some point. My understanding of others is often very limited...
no subject
[It's plausible, at least to Amaya. Or at the very least, the universe had a really funny idea about two people to inflict upon one another. Amaya breathes a bit, centering herself as she finally starts to move to get up. A little shaky, but it's fine.]
It truly is no trouble, however. If my knowledge that I am slowly gaining can be of use, then I am glad to serve the people as I always do.
no subject
I'm not one of yours, though. [It's light, almost teasing.] But it is appreciated. Are you getting ready to turn in for the night?
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[...was that a joke--]
But ah, I...was going to sit in the dark for a little bit, but perhaps that would be wise, yes. I take it you will be up for a while longer...?
no subject
A headache? Hopefully rest will help. Yes, I'll be up for awhile yet, but I shouldn't be loud enough to wake you. Do let me know if I am, however!
[He's obtained several books he wants to read tonight, and he's a night owl anyway.]
no subject
However for now, I'll bid you good night in case I do not come out again. Please, do excuse me.
[And with a practiced bow, Amaya will in fact be off to the bathroom to just. Get her head back in order. The dark has always been good for that, but she's likely going to just leave Zvei be for the rest of the night.]