[But for what little it's worth, Amaya does listen. She can't help but be reminded of someone long past, as she tries to think about the sort of person who would befriend him. Or at least try to. Someone overly optimistic, maybe.
...
Her gaze goes a little distant at the thought, to memories she had long left behind. They served no purpose now, what with the girl in question being dead and gone, but...]
...I wish it were the same for me. I've heard some inane things, you know, from them. That it's okay to be who I am. That I'm not broken, I just need a helping hand. That I can do better. That my demeanor is nothing that can't be improved with practice and intention.
[Bitter, bitter, bitter, the nastiness is tempered down a little by Amaya's own force and her inability to express it, but oh.]
[He lifts his shoulders a bit to the first part; she's right, after all. No offense taken.
It's the latter that gets a soft laugh. There's nothing bitter in it, but it's far from amused.]
I can't say I envy you. Everyone I've told has looked at me strangely - given me space or turned their back on me, because they don't even try to understand. She was the only one who tried without judgment. Everyone else finds it off-putting. For good reason; I can't truly blame them.
[It's like living in completely separate realities. They'll never see and understand the world the same way he does, and that's... well, it's not fine, but it has to be. For now. Someday that'll change. Someday the world will make sense.]
I've never met someone else with a similar issue. To be honest, I thought it was just a "me" problem.
...Likewise. Most are simply not keen to say it to my face, because they think I am like other leaders of the various territories in Quercetem. That I, of all people, have a commanding presence...truly, it's something that shocks even me.
It is an image that serves me, however, alongside my reputation.
[As for what that is, she's not quite inclined to say yet. But she does look to him properly, though without pity in the slightest. It really is strange, she has to admit. She knows that hers is just a toll placed on her, but to hear that from him...]
All be told...nor have I. My situation is a little unique, in that regard but...it is strange, to know that someone else faces this issue.
...It is not unwelcome, however, to...know someone else faces it.
[Well, regardless of if she wishes to clarify or not, he's content to move on.]
It's something of a relief, really. Even though our situations may not be comparable, having someone else who understands is more than good enough. I don't mind pretending, but it does get a little dull after awhile.
[Though where "Zvei, the act" stops and "Zvei, the person" begins isn't nearly as clear-cut as it once was. Oh well, that doesn't particularly matter.]
That makes two of us. I usually do not get the option to not 'pretend'. Aneirin will worry, but he'll at least eat any of the negativity that remains to sustain himself. And anyone else will just give me a look that implies they pity me.
[It doesn't matter, at least. How strange it is, to feel so free in this moment.]
...Should our stay somehow be extended, you may seek me out anytime you wish. I always offer confession to those lost, because I can offer them a truly neutral ear to speak to. I shall offer that to you, as well.
[...Still...]
My reputation, however...it is akin to something of a monster, I suppose I can say. To something feared and reviled, by a good portion of Quercetem's population.
I do not mind it. It keeps inane problems out of our territory.
Remind me to ask you more about this "Aneirin" later.
[Eating her negativity...? That sounds fascinating. But he's trying not to get too distracted here!!]
I do appreciate the offer, miss Amaya. I'll likely take you up on it.
[No judgement. What a truly baffling idea. But given what he now knows about her, it's certainly very possible she wouldn't judge. Judging requires actually caring, after all.]
Are you? How curious. You've been nothing but polite and reasonable. Why, you even look fully human! How did you end up with a reputation like that?
[She doesn't have any problem talking about Aneirin, really. Confused by him, and eternally so. But he's easy to talk about. She tips her head a bit when he says he'll take her up on that offer, acknowledging that, but the rest...]
...I... [...] Well, it's a moot point, here. But I have something sealed within my body, that was once a creature who attempted to end the world I come from. A terrifying dragon that sought to end all human life as one would know it.
She's still feared, to this day. It is a fact that make people fear me to a certain extent. Hate me, in others.
[Zvei adjusts his monocle, mismatched eyes wide with delight at the unknown. From what he can gather, their worlds don't work the same way, meaning there's so much about this he can't even begin to fathom - and that's considering that such a thing would most likely be entirely impossible in Aelios anyway.]
I suppose I can see the merit in their fear. How exactly did you end up with her inside you? Was this some sort of binding ritual to stop her?
...Somehow, I didn't expect you to say that. My mistake.
[It's neutral as ever, almost a touch wry, but it's very notably not derisive in the slightest surprisingly.
As for that question...Amaya pauses a bit, considering. There's...much to this story, admittedly, and she's already told so much to a stranger. A stranger who gets what she is, admittedly, but...]
...It is a bit of a long story, my child. But I can sum it up as this; my father was the one who gave her the means to attempt to destroy our world. and I...was made to pay for her failure to do so.
[Religious connotations go straight over his head because he has met all of like one (1) religious person, whoops.]
Ah, I see, so this is a part of penance for what your father did... or rather, a part you had no say in, I assume.
[How dreadful, to be used as a tool by so many people. What's it like, he wonders. Sure, he was used for his knowledge, but he was using Ruby Dawn as well. That's the way of the world - use and be used. But to exclusively be used by others, all while giving back to the community only because you feel you must to atone for someone else's sins... Truly, it's beyond comprehension. But that's what makes it so interesting.]
...You are possibly the third to mention that. It is...well. It seems like it is an unfortunate verbal tic I have picked up from my father; is it truly that unusual to hear...?
[She genuinely sounds curious and...confused. She thought all leaders did that? ...Maybe not Princess Maribel, but--
Amaya does nod, when he says that much. She's thankful for the lack of pity, at least.]
You would be correct. She made the choice for me, in that regard, and I...simply try to do all that I can to live in defiance of her wishes. I know not if I do a good job at it, but it does not matter.
For those sins...I will atone my whole life, for them.
Yes...? Perhaps it's more commonplace where you're from, though?
[But anyway. The more pressing thing is Amaya's next words which are truly baffling. The thought of atoning for anything is foreign as hell to him to begin with, but spending your whole life atoning for something someone else did?]
...Why? To what end? It doesn't sound like any of this was your fault - and even if it somehow was, what would atoning change? Penance can't undo the past.
[Still no judgment on her decision, just confusion.]
[It isn't sharp, when she corrects him; perhaps it lends credence to the fact that she isn't telling the whole truth of the situation, but...
Penance can't undo the past.
She knows. She knows damn well that it's true. Amaya has known this for a damn long time, that all she's doing is putting a bandaid over the big gaping wound over Quercetem that the Dragon's influence left behind. The idea that no matter what she might do, that it will never be enough to earn forgiveness, to earn some sort of better life, to earn something better that she never had the opportunity for is...]
But I...want to be better, even if I cannot feel it. I want to prove to myself that I can do better, if I put my nose to the grindstone. I will be better than their thoughts. I will be better than their assumptions and their wishes for my blood.
And I will be better than her wishes that I simply fall for the same tricks my father did.
[There's a surprising amount of intensity to her tone when she says all of that; driven, though lifeless. Determined, yet devoid of passion. As if all that exists is a perfectly white line, a path forward, and Amaya will tread that path with no hesitation.]
Even if it changes nothing, I...perhaps long to spite those people.
[Even with it laid out in such an obvious way, Zvei doesn't understand. He can follow each point and see where it connects, but somewhere along the way it goes from something comprehensible to something beyond his understanding. Maybe it's the fact that he couldn't care less about what other people think of him. Maybe it's that his own goal is entirely selfish and self-centered. Maybe it's that he's never really cared about anyone around him to begin with. Or maybe it's that the bitterness and spite that drives her is foreign to him as well, because he's never really had it in him to be angry at anyone else. Doing better - for her own sake - is something he can almost grasp, but the fact that it still is beyond him agitates him.
How can someone with similar issues end up so completely different?]
I won't pretend I understand, because frankly, I don't. But having some sort of motivation is the important part, I think. If that's what you want to do, then do all you can to achieve it. Spite those who thought less of you; become better than they ever could have dreamed of.
[She doesn't need him to say it, but he does anyway.]
[...It's strangely empty feeling, to hear him say that much to her, even with the caveats. Maybe if she could feel anything at all, she could smile. She could thank him, sincerely, maybe. The Dragon is gone from her and she still can't feel anything.
It's...strange, though Amaya ends up neutralizing. Going back to her normal and tipping her head at Zvei's words.]
...Thank you. [It's as neutral as ever, though something in her gaze has softened a fraction. That will have to be good enough.] I have found it...hard, to have motivation after my Father died; I lived under him for most of my life, before Aneirin found me and took me in. To live on my own terms is a new experience. One I have to keep finding that motivation for.
But so long as I live, I intend to keep seizing it.
Then that's all there is to it. It doesn't matter if no one else accepts it or understands it; the fact that it continues to push you forward is more than enough.
[That's how he's always rationalized it, and that's how he always will rationalize it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.]
Ah, but you've mentioned them again - tell me about Aneirin?
[Amaya nods at that, content to let that conversation go; there's a lot she hasn't told him, but it's...nice to be seen. To be heard and understood.
As for Aneirin, though...Amaya's look goes out to the distance, but her gaze softens. Still neutral, but perhaps the closest thing to fondness she can feel.]
Aneirin is an interesting fellow, all be told. A demon with horns of gold and a gaudy fashion sense, he's probably the most vain man that I know. There isn't a single second he isn't adjusting something about his attire--he wants no hair out of place, no piece of jewelry smudged, and he wants to look beautiful at all times. He's a demon who feeds off of the misery of others, from what I am to understand. It simply...leaves in a wave of black, absorbing itself into him and making him appear almost radiant when he feeds.
[...]
...He's also incredibly kind. He...has a tendency to look out for others, worrying after them and taking care of them. Aneirin is usually the one who takes care of my hair, and helps clean our shared quarters when I am too busy to do so myself.
Demons have powers like that where you're from? How marvelous! Many humans assume we're capable of such things, but that isn't something I can do, anyway.
[As for whether other deimori can... well, who knows? He sure doesn't.]
How charming that he'd be so helpful, considering he feeds off of misery. Though I suppose I can see where your circumstances would lead to an excellent food source for him.
[Is it nice to have a close friend like that? Or... is it maybe more like his relationship with Fiona was? Where one of them was giving and giving and giving and the other simply took what was offered and made use of it?]
They do...admittedly, the realm where Aneirin comes from is very much outside of Madide's jurisdiction. I do believe it may simply be a matter of his realm having demons with powers like that. I wonder how deimori and demons differ, now...perhaps Aneirin will find his way here, and we can talk about such things. I'm certain he would find it fascinating.
[Amaya tips her head a bit, though, at that second statement. Definitely not wrong, at least.]
It does. I have asked him multiple times if he has ever considered leaving; he has said no all of those times. The sustenance I provide him is second to none, so he says.
And how funny it is. He usually gets it from simply talking to me, and encouraging me to air out my frustrations. I find I cannot fault him, when it is so easy for him to stay fueled and beautiful as he wants.
We do, yes. I...cannot feel much about it, but I would not trade Aneirin's company for anything in the world...I think. That must count for something.
[But ah, Zvei's gotten distracted again. By probably one of the weirder things to explain, but it may shed some light on the 'outside of Quercetem' comment...]
Madide is the name of the... [Hm.] The best way I can describe it is that...well, based off of the religion that most of the worlds it encompasses follows, it is the collective name of the worlds that the Creator and Granter have created amongst themselves, or so it has been told.
There are many theories as to what this truly means. Whether it be lands separated by a near insurmountable sea, or lands separated by magic leading to entirely different places...it is unknown.
I only truly know of this because of some of the people who have found their way into Fefello Caelum, who were not born in any of Quercetem's lands.
[Yes, that does count for something, he thinks. How nice, to have someone whose company she likes - as much as she's capable of liking such a thing, anyway.
But moving on! This is absolutely fascinating.]
Quercetem being the "world" you come from, correct? How interesting, that yours is not limited to just one world but rather several attached through means of... magic? The gods? Certainly nothing like Aelios, all we have is our one world! Are these other worlds vastly different from your own?
Indeed. At least, that seems to be the running theory; it would explain the vastly different stories I have heard. [Amaya taps her chin in thought as she tries to think about what she's asked, before coming back with a nod.] A woman who consistently stops by to trade for supplies, for example, comes from a place known as Nusquam; she apparently leads a squadron of fellow women that help eradicate crime from the streets and...seas, if her eccentric talk is to be believed. Much of it I find quite confusing, though her powers are unlike anything I have ever seen.
She utilizes some sort of weapon that I have never been able to get the name of, but it seems to be a long...object which sort of acts akin to an automatic bow and arrow? But it shoots something much smaller and deadlier at the target.
And she is but one of a few people with circumstances like that. A few people came from Eluvies, which has fallen on hard times from what I am to understand.
[So while Amaya's knowledge of said worlds is sort of minimal, there's at least proof to that theory of multiple ones existing.]
But regardless, it does make matters quite interesting. Not that Quercetem needs it, with various quarreling powers both human and not at the helm.
How fascinating! It would seem your world...s are dealing with quite a lot! Having access to other worlds... why, even I might never get bored of that!
[Though who's to say, really.]
Thank you for indulging my curiosity. I find the concept of other worlds truly mesmerizing, and to think that you've people from other worlds within the place you come from! How delightful.
Hmph. [It almost sounds amused, but unfortunately, much like everything Amaya can't express, it's way too monotone and the intentional inflection is off as always.] You may not, but I can promise you, it seems to be more of a headache than it's worth. It's why I've never even given thought to seeing if there's a way out; I've too much to deal with as is. Leave it to the ones who have that curious spark.
But it truly is no trouble. You'll have to tell me more about Emirre, at some point; I must admit I am quite...curious about it now, I think.
[...]
Or at minimum, it would not be an unpleasant waste of time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
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[But for what little it's worth, Amaya does listen. She can't help but be reminded of someone long past, as she tries to think about the sort of person who would befriend him. Or at least try to. Someone overly optimistic, maybe.
...
Her gaze goes a little distant at the thought, to memories she had long left behind. They served no purpose now, what with the girl in question being dead and gone, but...]
...I wish it were the same for me. I've heard some inane things, you know, from them. That it's okay to be who I am. That I'm not broken, I just need a helping hand. That I can do better. That my demeanor is nothing that can't be improved with practice and intention.
[Bitter, bitter, bitter, the nastiness is tempered down a little by Amaya's own force and her inability to express it, but oh.]
Does it feel almost mocking, for you as well?
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It's the latter that gets a soft laugh. There's nothing bitter in it, but it's far from amused.]
I can't say I envy you. Everyone I've told has looked at me strangely - given me space or turned their back on me, because they don't even try to understand. She was the only one who tried without judgment. Everyone else finds it off-putting. For good reason; I can't truly blame them.
[It's like living in completely separate realities. They'll never see and understand the world the same way he does, and that's... well, it's not fine, but it has to be. For now. Someday that'll change. Someday the world will make sense.]
I've never met someone else with a similar issue. To be honest, I thought it was just a "me" problem.
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It is an image that serves me, however, alongside my reputation.
[As for what that is, she's not quite inclined to say yet. But she does look to him properly, though without pity in the slightest. It really is strange, she has to admit. She knows that hers is just a toll placed on her, but to hear that from him...]
All be told...nor have I. My situation is a little unique, in that regard but...it is strange, to know that someone else faces this issue.
...It is not unwelcome, however, to...know someone else faces it.
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[Well, regardless of if she wishes to clarify or not, he's content to move on.]
It's something of a relief, really. Even though our situations may not be comparable, having someone else who understands is more than good enough. I don't mind pretending, but it does get a little dull after awhile.
[Though where "Zvei, the act" stops and "Zvei, the person" begins isn't nearly as clear-cut as it once was. Oh well, that doesn't particularly matter.]
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[It doesn't matter, at least. How strange it is, to feel so free in this moment.]
...Should our stay somehow be extended, you may seek me out anytime you wish. I always offer confession to those lost, because I can offer them a truly neutral ear to speak to. I shall offer that to you, as well.
[...Still...]
My reputation, however...it is akin to something of a monster, I suppose I can say. To something feared and reviled, by a good portion of Quercetem's population.
I do not mind it. It keeps inane problems out of our territory.
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[Eating her negativity...? That sounds fascinating. But he's trying not to get too distracted here!!]
I do appreciate the offer, miss Amaya. I'll likely take you up on it.
[No judgement. What a truly baffling idea. But given what he now knows about her, it's certainly very possible she wouldn't judge. Judging requires actually caring, after all.]
Are you? How curious. You've been nothing but polite and reasonable. Why, you even look fully human! How did you end up with a reputation like that?
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[She doesn't have any problem talking about Aneirin, really. Confused by him, and eternally so. But he's easy to talk about. She tips her head a bit when he says he'll take her up on that offer, acknowledging that, but the rest...]
...I... [...] Well, it's a moot point, here. But I have something sealed within my body, that was once a creature who attempted to end the world I come from. A terrifying dragon that sought to end all human life as one would know it.
She's still feared, to this day. It is a fact that make people fear me to a certain extent. Hate me, in others.
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[Zvei adjusts his monocle, mismatched eyes wide with delight at the unknown. From what he can gather, their worlds don't work the same way, meaning there's so much about this he can't even begin to fathom - and that's considering that such a thing would most likely be entirely impossible in Aelios anyway.]
I suppose I can see the merit in their fear. How exactly did you end up with her inside you? Was this some sort of binding ritual to stop her?
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[It's neutral as ever, almost a touch wry, but it's very notably not derisive in the slightest surprisingly.
As for that question...Amaya pauses a bit, considering. There's...much to this story, admittedly, and she's already told so much to a stranger. A stranger who gets what she is, admittedly, but...]
...It is a bit of a long story, my child. But I can sum it up as this; my father was the one who gave her the means to attempt to destroy our world. and I...was made to pay for her failure to do so.
[...It's a half truth, at least--]
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[Religious connotations go straight over his head because he has met all of like one (1) religious person, whoops.]
Ah, I see, so this is a part of penance for what your father did... or rather, a part you had no say in, I assume.
[How dreadful, to be used as a tool by so many people. What's it like, he wonders. Sure, he was used for his knowledge, but he was using Ruby Dawn as well. That's the way of the world - use and be used. But to exclusively be used by others, all while giving back to the community only because you feel you must to atone for someone else's sins... Truly, it's beyond comprehension. But that's what makes it so interesting.]
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[She genuinely sounds curious and...confused. She thought all leaders did that? ...Maybe not Princess Maribel, but--
Amaya does nod, when he says that much. She's thankful for the lack of pity, at least.]
You would be correct. She made the choice for me, in that regard, and I...simply try to do all that I can to live in defiance of her wishes. I know not if I do a good job at it, but it does not matter.
For those sins...I will atone my whole life, for them.
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[But anyway. The more pressing thing is Amaya's next words which are truly baffling. The thought of atoning for anything is foreign as hell to him to begin with, but spending your whole life atoning for something someone else did?]
...Why? To what end? It doesn't sound like any of this was your fault - and even if it somehow was, what would atoning change? Penance can't undo the past.
[Still no judgment on her decision, just confusion.]
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[It isn't sharp, when she corrects him; perhaps it lends credence to the fact that she isn't telling the whole truth of the situation, but...
Penance can't undo the past.
She knows. She knows damn well that it's true. Amaya has known this for a damn long time, that all she's doing is putting a bandaid over the big gaping wound over Quercetem that the Dragon's influence left behind. The idea that no matter what she might do, that it will never be enough to earn forgiveness, to earn some sort of better life, to earn something better that she never had the opportunity for is...]
But I...want to be better, even if I cannot feel it. I want to prove to myself that I can do better, if I put my nose to the grindstone. I will be better than their thoughts. I will be better than their assumptions and their wishes for my blood.
And I will be better than her wishes that I simply fall for the same tricks my father did.
[There's a surprising amount of intensity to her tone when she says all of that; driven, though lifeless. Determined, yet devoid of passion. As if all that exists is a perfectly white line, a path forward, and Amaya will tread that path with no hesitation.]
Even if it changes nothing, I...perhaps long to spite those people.
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How can someone with similar issues end up so completely different?]
I won't pretend I understand, because frankly, I don't. But having some sort of motivation is the important part, I think. If that's what you want to do, then do all you can to achieve it. Spite those who thought less of you; become better than they ever could have dreamed of.
[She doesn't need him to say it, but he does anyway.]
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[...It's strangely empty feeling, to hear him say that much to her, even with the caveats. Maybe if she could feel anything at all, she could smile. She could thank him, sincerely, maybe. The Dragon is gone from her and she still can't feel anything.
It's...strange, though Amaya ends up neutralizing. Going back to her normal and tipping her head at Zvei's words.]
...Thank you. [It's as neutral as ever, though something in her gaze has softened a fraction. That will have to be good enough.] I have found it...hard, to have motivation after my Father died; I lived under him for most of my life, before Aneirin found me and took me in. To live on my own terms is a new experience. One I have to keep finding that motivation for.
But so long as I live, I intend to keep seizing it.
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[That's how he's always rationalized it, and that's how he always will rationalize it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.]
Ah, but you've mentioned them again - tell me about Aneirin?
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As for Aneirin, though...Amaya's look goes out to the distance, but her gaze softens. Still neutral, but perhaps the closest thing to fondness she can feel.]
Aneirin is an interesting fellow, all be told. A demon with horns of gold and a gaudy fashion sense, he's probably the most vain man that I know. There isn't a single second he isn't adjusting something about his attire--he wants no hair out of place, no piece of jewelry smudged, and he wants to look beautiful at all times. He's a demon who feeds off of the misery of others, from what I am to understand. It simply...leaves in a wave of black, absorbing itself into him and making him appear almost radiant when he feeds.
[...]
...He's also incredibly kind. He...has a tendency to look out for others, worrying after them and taking care of them. Aneirin is usually the one who takes care of my hair, and helps clean our shared quarters when I am too busy to do so myself.
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[As for whether other deimori can... well, who knows? He sure doesn't.]
How charming that he'd be so helpful, considering he feeds off of misery. Though I suppose I can see where your circumstances would lead to an excellent food source for him.
[Is it nice to have a close friend like that? Or... is it maybe more like his relationship with Fiona was? Where one of them was giving and giving and giving and the other simply took what was offered and made use of it?]
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[Amaya tips her head a bit, though, at that second statement. Definitely not wrong, at least.]
It does. I have asked him multiple times if he has ever considered leaving; he has said no all of those times. The sustenance I provide him is second to none, so he says.
And how funny it is. He usually gets it from simply talking to me, and encouraging me to air out my frustrations. I find I cannot fault him, when it is so easy for him to stay fueled and beautiful as he wants.
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[He is going to keep getting distracted, I promise.]
It sounds as though you both get something valuable from it. A confidant, a food source - that's the best way to approach such things, I think.
[Better than one side giving and the other taking, anyway.]
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[But ah, Zvei's gotten distracted again. By probably one of the weirder things to explain, but it may shed some light on the 'outside of Quercetem' comment...]
Madide is the name of the... [Hm.] The best way I can describe it is that...well, based off of the religion that most of the worlds it encompasses follows, it is the collective name of the worlds that the Creator and Granter have created amongst themselves, or so it has been told.
There are many theories as to what this truly means. Whether it be lands separated by a near insurmountable sea, or lands separated by magic leading to entirely different places...it is unknown.
I only truly know of this because of some of the people who have found their way into Fefello Caelum, who were not born in any of Quercetem's lands.
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But moving on! This is absolutely fascinating.]
Quercetem being the "world" you come from, correct? How interesting, that yours is not limited to just one world but rather several attached through means of... magic? The gods? Certainly nothing like Aelios, all we have is our one world! Are these other worlds vastly different from your own?
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She utilizes some sort of weapon that I have never been able to get the name of, but it seems to be a long...object which sort of acts akin to an automatic bow and arrow? But it shoots something much smaller and deadlier at the target.
And she is but one of a few people with circumstances like that. A few people came from Eluvies, which has fallen on hard times from what I am to understand.
[So while Amaya's knowledge of said worlds is sort of minimal, there's at least proof to that theory of multiple ones existing.]
But regardless, it does make matters quite interesting. Not that Quercetem needs it, with various quarreling powers both human and not at the helm.
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[Though who's to say, really.]
Thank you for indulging my curiosity. I find the concept of other worlds truly mesmerizing, and to think that you've people from other worlds within the place you come from! How delightful.
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But it truly is no trouble. You'll have to tell me more about Emirre, at some point; I must admit I am quite...curious about it now, I think.
[...]
Or at minimum, it would not be an unpleasant waste of time.
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