[Amaya begins and the tale she weaves is one that is almost unbelievable. Born and molded to be the perfect little doll her father wanted her to be, and punished whenever she stepped a toe out of line. He can scarcely imagine it; the one thing Zvei has always had going for himself is his freedom. He's never been chained down in such a way, and even working for Ruby Dawn came with very few constraints or limitations. He's been allowed to work as he sees fit, doing whatever he wants in the pursuit of his own goals and his work for the guild.
He'd be lying if he said he felt nothing about Amaya's story so far. But it isn't pity (a foreign emotion he's not sure he's ever felt in his life) or sorrow (equally foreign) that plague him. It's excitement, the spark of fascination that always drives him, and maybe he should feel worse about it because clearly this is the sort of story that should make people feel sad.
But Amaya doesn't want to be seen as someone in need of saving. She doesn't want pity. She wants to be heard, and Zvei can certainly offer an ear for that.]
I can certainly see why you weren't fond of the idea of turning Giyuu into a doll. That's a rather touchy subject for you, isn't it?
[Because she was meant to be a doll. Her whole upbringing was for that purpose. What a miserable life to have led...]
I can see where you were worried about being pitied or treated differently. Rest assured that I'm incapable of feeling such things. [lmao.] I'll admit that your story fascinates me so far - I would like to hear more.
:kyuuchan_nod: (additonal cws going forward: children murdering people, abandonment)
[By the gods she barely believes in, she's...actually doing this. Amaya's expression watches Zvei's, for any hint of potential sorrow or pity; she doesn't want that, and when she doesn't see it, her gaze softens a touch. It's almost...cute, really, to see him hanging onto her words like this, excited like he's hearing a tale of some kind.
...And well, it would be cruel of her to not keep going, even if she makes a small tch noise. Though, she nods her head at the first statement--to say the least, he's right about that.]
Most people would find that a little insulting, to bare their heart to someone and to be met with fascination...you truly are a strange one, Zvei.
[There's nothing derisive in her tone, though. That's her Zvei, really.]
...But you wouldn't be you, if you weren't curious.
Well, then allow me to apologize to you, first; I have not been entirely truthful about some things that I have told you. Not out of malice of course, but...such things, they tend to be looked at unfavorably, and in a situation like ours? I did not want to say such a thing, if there was a risk it could get out to the greater group.
...If you do betray such a thing to save your own life, I will not be mad at you, of course. But you don't seem the type to do it for the group's sake, so...permit me to continue, then.
[And continue she shall.]
I'll spare you the continuation of everything my father and the cultists did, but rest assured, even after I had realized what my true purpose was and the Dragon granted me the ability to defy it, that their treatment continued. Part of me wonders if it was because the Dragon showed me favor; he had originally intended to raise me as a sacrifice to her. She's powered by negative emotions, and a child who has known nothing but resentment and structure? Surely, he thought, I would be perfect for her.
And he was right. [Amaya's eyes go slightly dark, here; no real emotion behind them but something a little...crueler, almost. Not unlike the air she puts on, not the leaderly, perhaps even mothering persona that wants to be better.] ...Just not in the way that he realized.
Once I had gained the Dragon's favor, however, Father became more possessive of me, outright calling me The Dragon's 'Herald'; it's a name people like to use against me nowadays, though they are not completely wrong in it. Her power still lies within me, after all, but I had gained the ability to use some of her power to assist my father's wishes. He began to travel, taking me with him throughout many of Madide's lands in order to lay the groundwork of his final plans for the world.
The eradication of humanity's selfish emotions. He wanted to exert complete domination over humanity, to force them to serve his wishes forevermore. Wishes that had become deeply distorted over time, as the Dragon's hold on him began to grow and he began to rely more on her power.
We met a strange, merry band of outcasts who came together to try and stop him, you know. [Amaya's gaze goes colder when she mentions them, though...she can focus on them, next. She wants to clarify this much, first.] A group of five, brought together through various circumstances trying to understand just what was happening to their homes. They often talked to me after facing my Father's forces, as I would usually be tasked to stay behind and ensure their completion. Or...punishment for their failures. He had me kill quite a few for their failure to succeed, and he killed just as many. By that point...well, he'd already forced me to kill the only friend that I had managed to sneak into my life, somehow. Taking the lives of people I have no investment in after that became but a breeze, for better or worse.
[...]
So, Zvei, [Amaya's look goes to Zvei, and she's usually not one for entertainment. She really isn't; it's beyond her and it's something that could only make her feel emptiness, under the Dragon's rule in her heart. But...maybe a part of her wants to indulge him a bit.] with this information...what do you think I may have kept mum about?
Edited (oh my god self keep ur lore straight) 2025-11-10 01:28 (UTC)
[There's nothing malicious in it, of course. He just can't manage to feel things that most people do, and in this one instance, that's not a bad thing. There is no pity for her because he can't feel it. The most he can manage throughout this is excitement - and better that than nothing at all, he thinks.
But Amaya clarifies something and he inclines his head a bit as she continues. How odd, that she would be willing to part with such sensitive information... but then, he's willing to share his own with her, with the idea that she won't tell the group at large either. To save herself, perhaps. He couldn't fault her for that.
Her story continues and the tale she weaves continues to defy expectations. To be chosen by the Dragon rather than her father and yet still chained to his bidding... No wonder she's a woman full of resentment and anger. It's all she's ever known. Truly fascinating that she was even forced to kill her one friend... she must have considered using the Dragon's power against her father, but why did she never go through with it? The question dances on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows it when Amaya asks her own of him.]
What the Dragon did with you... or perhaps what you did with the Dragon's power.
[His answer is immediate, without hesitation. Because with the power of something akin to a god, why would you not use it? She must have made use of it in some way.]
I doubt you wanted to carry out your father's wishes, but you had all that power... what did you do with it?
[He can't help but think of the Aeli's power, warping the very way he saw the world and experienced it and all of that being ripped from him—]
Did you perhaps seek to punish those who hurt you?
slaps on a cw: suicidal ideation (minor now, might go more major later)
[She had a feeling he'd be astute enough to get it. If only Amaya could smile; she's always been told that it looked unnatural on her, no matter how many times Aneirin would try to train with her to get it down properly. Why would she give him, of all people, such a smile though? She's not sure. Smiles are supposed to be a reward, aren't they? For a job well done, for one's kindness, or something else.
Amaya wouldn't know.]
Astute. I expected no less of you. The answer is the latter.
[Amaya's look goes out more toward the distance, though, and she adjusts herself so she's laying in her bed; this is sadly one of the highest points of her life, and it's all downhill from here.]
...The day came that my father intended to bring forth the Dragon's full might, you know. He had killed every other member of the cult, loyal and otherwise to fuel his ambition; that merry band came and fought him, and they even managed to lose. My father would have had the whole world in his hands if everything had worked out in such a way.
Unfortunately, he didn't account for our plan. One that I had been working with the Dragon on since the day she spoke to me on her altar, and decided she quite liked the darkness in my heart that had been fostered.
And so, on her order...once she was properly summoned, I rewarded my father's faith, by making him the first to die at our collective hand. You should have seen him, Zvei; screaming the entire time as he bled out, poison from the blade I forged from one of her fangs ensuring that he died an utterly painful death. That merry band simply had no idea what to do in such a situation, and I watched that man die before setting to work alongside her to achieve our collective goal.
The end of Madide as we knew it.
...It was truly the happiest day of my life, you know.
[But she'll let him process that first. He'll be able to see her look go much more distant, though; her hands seem to grip the book in her hands just a little tighter, and her expression seems to darken in earnest.
...Looks like it may have been the last happiness in her life, too.]
[Ah, so the Dragon was not at full power - to wait and obtain all her power would be the smarter play. And oh, what a reward it was, to kill her father to brutally and cruelly, as a man like that surely deserved.]
The end of the world, hm? Well, I can't say I blame you, given all you'd experienced up to that point. Why assume that the rest of the world would be better, when everyone in your life had been horrible?
[The happiest day of her life... To finally be free of one set of chains, and yet not completely free, if he had to guess. The Dragon likely wanted Amaya for her own reasons, after all. He can only imagine how this ended, but...]
I assume things didn't go according to plan, for one reason or another. After all, if it had, I don't think you'd be here talking to me.
[There's no judgment from him - if anything, he looks even more thrilled by this revelation. And why wouldn't he? It's not quite the same as what he did, but it's on the same general level of awfulness - something else they have in common. Like truly did recognize like on that day.]
You would have gotten along well with that young, spiteful girl. She believed that entirely; that with the one friend who forced herself into her life, that any goodness in the world was gone forever. That the rest of the world could burn, for all she cared; the Dragon promised me that we'd end this world together, and I'd be the last to die once our work was done. It was...
It was meant to be an end, to the suffering I had faced. I truly looked forward to it as...one final hurrah, really, before I could rest at last.
[But ah. Zvei is truly too astute for his own good, and while she spares him a glance, she...nods her head before looking back out into the distance.]
...You would be correct, however. That merry band...they managed to find their way onto the Dragon in an attempt to face us both down. She was massive, you know; just her awakening alone leveled five lesser kingdoms to the ground with her shockwaves, and together, we managed to tear a massive hole into Quercetem as a whole. But...
[A small noise escapes Amaya.]
...You're likely going to find this more than a touch pathetic, but they truly didn't want to kill me, you know. In our time together, they had...tried to get to know me, to understand me. I kept lying to try and get them to serve my needs and weaken my father, but they...they...
[Amaya's grip tightens on the book in her hands, and she looks genuinely upset as she continues.]
They reached out to me, shouting up to me. They shouted such inane things, Zvei. They shouted that the world could be better than everything I had faced. They shouted that there was love, light, and laughter in the world that I had been deprived of for so long that they could show me. That the world was unfair to me, but that was okay, because it didn't still have to be. All I had to do was...
All I had to do was let them in, and they'd take care of me. They...they promised me they'd take me to so many places around Madide, to make my own memories. They promised me that this didn't have to be the end. I was already stupidly crying over having to kill my own family, one I didn't even love, and I just wanted them to stop, to stop reaching out to me, to stop trying to pull me in, to stop being so kind to me when it was such a foreign emotion, and they...they...
[Amaya shakes. Amaya shakes like she's that little girl all those years ago, hopeful and crying and with a genuine belief that things would turn out okay. Maybe not perfect, she'd still have so much to repent for in the end, but they had dared to make it sound like she could have a perfect life with them, alongside them.]
[An ending, on her own terms. Or well, mostly her own terms, obviously the Dragon was still in control. The most freedom she'd had in her life, and she wanted desperately to stop hurting. Strangely, he thinks he does understand that. It isn't as though he ever planned to die, but...
Well, those thoughts are promptly getting ignored in favor of Amaya's story as she continues, and boy does she have quite the story to share. This is actually fairly believable, as he has met a great many groups of plucky would-be heroes working for Ruby Dawn who would fight against overwhelming odds for the good of the world or whatever and who would be kind enough to reach out a hand to a girl who was hurting. Maybe they saw that. Maybe they thought it a more effective way to prevent the world from ending. Either way, it reminds him a lot of the various guilds he's seen come and go, and the stories he's heard of those who made it to the top of the Aeli's Branches.
But that doesn't change the fact that it sounds like in the end, Amaya was still left alone. Even if they'd meant to do good, they hadn't carried out their promises. Though there's no sense in trying to believe the best in people like that - not that Zvei's the sort to do that in the first place.]
They left you behind. [It isn't a question. He's certain that's what happened.] They offered you a different life, and then they turned their backs on you.
With barely healed injuries in a clearing where monsters almost certainly could have come upon me and put a far more brutal end to me. I could almost excuse it as that one cleric girl finally running out of mana, but they...
I awoke, and they were gone. It was just me, my wounds, and...the Dragon.
[Haha. Didn't think she'd escape that so easy, did you?]
...I didn't even notice her at first, all be told. I spent a long, long time just...crying and damning them for not even having the basic decency to kill me themselves. That their pity and so-called love and desire to want better for me was just a farce. It always is, with people. They don't want something of you unless they can get something in return; it was a cruel, harsh lesson to learn, but I had no choice but to endure it.
And the Dragon...she had decided to bind herself into my heart as a punishment. [...] She gave me access to every bit of her power, but in exchange, she took my ability to feel...any sort of positive emotion ever again. And she would stay there, waiting. Waiting for me to make a decision, one way or another.
...Being here, all be told, is the first time in years I don't have her commentary in my mind going on whilst I speak. It truly gets quite irritating, after a while.
[But if nothing else, that probably explains why she doesn't like the amount of pity they showed Giyuu. Because it's fake. It's always, always fake.]
But...Aneirin found me, not even an hour after this had all taken place.
[It's a humorless laugh; almost more an exhale than a proper laugh. The cold, cruel reality of the world - that people will only offer you something if they gain something in return. With the world saved, why should they care about Amaya? Yes, he can understand exactly why she found the others' mercy and pity for Giyuu so abhorrent, because there's no way there isn't an underlying reason for it that they just aren't stating. There's no way they can truly be such bleeding hearts, because people like that simply can't exist. If they did exist, then why didn't they help Amaya herself when she needed it most?
But her story isn't over. The Dragon's ability to seal Amaya's emotions is almost laughable in the face of everything she experienced. Her one momentary joy ripped away from her and then prevented from ever feeling that joy ever again.]
You mean to tell me the Dragon isn't here with you? How curious... I had noticed that some of us are missing access to our magic, but to think that she wasn't brought in with you...
[How does that work? This raises all sorts of questions that he can't really ask because it isn't his place to go prying. Still, it's easier to think about this than anything that came before it. Knowing what Amaya's been through almost makes him feel something, and that's weird and kind of uncomfortable.]
Did he take you in, then? At the very least to have someone to feed on?
Unless she's finally seen it fit to keep quiet for once in her life, no. She isn't; I would usually feel it if she was. That, and my wounds would be far quicker to patch up if she was; one of the things she forcibly gifted me along with taking my happiness was her regeneration. It's truly something staggering, all be told.
But no. It's...the quietest my head has been in a very long time.
[sorry for giving you a feeling, zvei. you did ask though!!! fuck around and find out!!!]
...But yes, he did. I didn't like the way he looked at me at first either, practically hissing like a wild cat at him, but...he only stayed with me because of the free meal he got out of my misery, yes. We were both essentially left together and to our own devices for...years, really.
He was the one who insisted that we learn some skills in order to survive; he learned how to barter with the best of them, and I learned how to...build, and grow crops. I built many of the little hovels that we spent our time in over the years, up until people began to notice how strong the both of us were and...stayed near us. With us.
[Amaya lets out a sound, humorless.]
...I can barely take care of myself, you know. Most days I can barely get out of bed, and others I can barely bring a brush up to take care of the snarls in my hair. I truly don't care about them, or maintaining anything that makes me pretty.
Aneirin is the one who insists on it, most of the time. He...even picked this little hairstyle for me, strangely enough.
[...It definitely looks like she hasn't been maintaining it, though, her hair's a little all over the place and the braids are starting to come loose...]
But...eventually, things changed, to where they are today.
[Fascinating. The Dragon is not here, and neither is Aneirin, and Amaya is truly on her own for the first time in... well, perhaps her entire life. No father to tell her what to do, and no Dragon to control her, nor Aneirin to help her. It's so vastly different from his own experiences, and yet in some ways he feels like he understands what she must be dealing with right now. The crippling weight of needing to move forward, not because you want to, but because there's no other option, and yet being so far removed from everything you once knew...
It's hardly any wonder they both latched onto each other, he supposes. They both want something out of this relationship, and it seems likely they'll both get it. At the very least it's companionship with someone of a like mind, which is something he's never truly had before, at the very least.]
More people gathered to the two of you, and now you find yourself in a leadership role, even if that isn't what you would have wanted. I think I understand quite a bit more about you now, miss Amaya.
[Zvei inclines his head a bit before scooting his chair forward and gesturing to her to sit up.]
Come now, at least let me fix your hair in return for the fascinating story. I know how to braid hair!
[...Don't sound so proud of yourself...]
A... [friend?] coworker of mine taught me. Your style is quite pretty; I'd like to see it maintained if possible.
[No sense in looking anything less than your best around all of these strangers, right?]
[Amaya lets out something of a small sigh, though it shudders the slightest bit; maybe some sort of approximation of a chuckle, almost, though it doesn't quite reach it. Deep down, Amaya fully expected Zvei to leave once he was bored of hearing her go on about her woes and pains; they're usually quite dry and boring to the unempathic sort, but...he stayed. He stayed, be it because of his fascination or merely out of obligation, but he stayed.
...It means a lot more than Amaya can express.]
Pah. That at least makes one of us, I suppose. [It's back to neutral on that one, though at least a little light.] ...I still intend to spite her and all of those who think that I will merely relapse, however. I've made my decision about the world of Madide as a whole, and I refuse to give her or my father the satisfaction of seeing their ambitions fulfilled--
[--Wait a minute, hold on there, she sees that gesture; Amaya seems to jolt up for a moment when Zvei brings up her hair, sort of...blinking in surprise as she pauses.]
You don't have to. Really, I...
[...She hasn't actually managed to convince herself to pick up a brush all this week, despite her rampant cleaning...
A...coworker of mine taught me. Your style is quite pretty; I'd like to see it maintained if possible.]
...Now I just wonder if you're trying to fluster me again. [But despite herself, Amaya starts to get up and she'll go where ever he gestures for her to go.] But I...am not opposed, if you so wish. It would be the perfect opportunity to hear your own story, if you still wish to tell me it.
[...]
Thank you. You...truly do not have to do this, if you do not wish.
[Spite is a hell of a motivator, isn't it? Not that he'd know, but as long as it keeps her going, it must be a good one.
But Amaya gets up and Zvei vacates the chair so she can take it; easier to work on her hair when he can move around her as needed. He locates the brush and grins, waving it at her.]
And you must know that I wouldn't offer it in the first place if it isn't what I wanted to do. Really now, I'm a very simple man. I only ever do what I want to do.
[Once Amaya's settled, he'll get to work - first undoing the braids so that he can comb out her hair - he's efficient but not rough, making sure her hair is taken care of so that he can redo the style in a moment.]
As for my own story... Hmm. Well, I've already told you the most important part. That seven years ago I awoke without any of my memories.
[He'd brushed it off at the time, tried to downplay its importance. After all, the last thing he wanted to do was draw attention to it - or worse, have some sort of pity or sympathy for his plight. Such things rub him the wrong way; whether it's because he can't feel them himself or because it feels condescending, he's not sure.]
I've been honest about my occupation, but not about my desires. Yes, I do greatly enjoy learning for the sake of learning, as well as exploring the unknown. But much of it is in service to my greater goal: the only thing I truly care about.
I want my memories back. I will do anything to reclaim them.
[He sounds perfectly relaxed as he says it, but even without seeing him, she can likely sense the intensity in the words.]
[She'll take the chair, sweeping her dress out of the way so she can sit daintily on it and let Zvei get to work. There's a brief bit of tenseness in her (it almost gets an outright flinch) as he gets started, but she relaxes just a bit as he continues; her hair has always been something of a sore subject ever since the cultist cut it from those cute buns she had kept so many years ago, but as Zvei works, she feels...unthreatened. Relaxed, even. She's given him all of the tools he'd need in order to hurt her irreparably at this point, and he...]
I know. I'm simply not so used to being the...subject, of those wants.
[But Amaya listens to Zvei as he starts to talk; she had a feeling that there was something else to Zvei when she spoke with him, that there had to be something underneath that seemingly empty, airy head of his that kept driving him forward other than his curiosity. A carrot at the end of the stick, a goal to pursue.
His memories--but of course. Memories are some of the most important things a person could have, and missing so many of them from what Amaya can assume?]
I understand. Memories are of great importance; they shape who we are, and are our very reason for being. To be deprived of such things for so long, with only your curiosity to drive you ever forward...well. I can certainly understand the desire to do anything to regain those memories back.
[There's no judgement in her tone, and no pity or sympathy. It's merely objective fact; she's not stupid. She doesn't want pity, and she won't grant him any in return because he's not the sort either.]
[She understands. But then, of course she does - if she were to lose the memories of her life that have seen her reach this point, would she even be the same person? Of course she understands, because it is truly horrid to live without them.]
Precisely. Seven years of memories is not a lot - it's not enough. I don't know who I was, where I came from, or what happened to... result in me ending up like this.
[I don't know why I'm so different from everyone else or I don't know why I'm broken might be more accurate, but he chooses to word it more neutrally.]
I have. I found a solution - the Aeli itself. I've told you that it is akin to a god in our world. The World Tree is powerful beyond anything else in the world, even the magicaeli. If I couldn't reclaim my memories with those stones, then clearly I needed something more powerful.
I didn't agree to help Ruby Dawn for the sake of exploration. I agreed to help them so I could merge myself into the Aeli - to forcibly restore these memories, no matter the cost.
[He sets the brush aside; despite the intensity in his words, his hands are gentle as he braids her hair.]
I knew the cost of failure. I knew there was a very real chance that the Aeli would simply kill me for trying to merge with it. I also knew that if I didn't die, that Ruby Dawn would turn on me. And I knew that there was a possibility that taking this power for myself would upset the very balance of the world and risk ending all of Aelios - I didn't care. As long as I had a chance at my memories, I'd do anything.
[He leaves it there for now, the intensity almost burning; his words have become flatter, somehow more intense but yet more monotone than he usually is. There's none of the usual cheer present, for once.]
[Amaya listens, her face disaffected as ever as she watches him work, though her mind is anything but. What he was doing was...reckless, deeply reckless and almost suicidal. What was he thinking? If he failed, if he truly would be just...gone. There'd be no Zvei here to talk to, no one like him that would just understand everything about her. About her emotionless state, about the things she's done, about...anything.
...She's inwardly glad that whatever he did may not have actually worked, because he wouldn't be here, and isn't that more than a little unfair to him? As far as he knows, he just sprung from the tree fully formed. That isn't fair, to a man who deserves to know what his life was like beforehand, about who he was--]
...I understand. When you have so little lived experience and you know something so...brilliant, lies just outside of reach...it makes one want it even more. Even as self serving as your goals were, they're understandable; you had to know who you were. Even if it resulted in your...obliteration, it sounds like.
[It's back to the calm, easy tone. Like it really isn't all that important, despite being the driving force in his life for the past seven years. But that question...]
I almost succeeded. I did merge with the Aeli - for a brief period of time, we were one. It wasn't like your relationship with the Dragon; the Aeli and I merged entirely. Its consciousness and knowledge were mine, and mine belonged to it as well. I could see everything, I just needed a little more time to understand how to separate myself from the Aeli enough to make use of its power to dig out those lost memories—
[His voice speeds up as he speaks, going from the usual relaxed, carefree tone into something darker and more pressurized. Each word pick up pace until it's almost like he can't stop, even if he suddenly decided he wanted to. At least until he suddenly cuts himself off to breathe, shaking his head a bit as if to clear it.]
That friend I told you about, Fiona? She was the first one to try to stop me. She said if I continued this unchecked, I'd put the world in danger, and she couldn't allow that.
[...]
She looked... sad as she said it.
[It goes without saying he doesn't know why. Zvei's expression darkens for a moment into something that's almost bitter before it vanishes entirely.]
So I killed her. I killed many of them. Coworkers, comrades, people I'd known for the past several years... It didn't matter, not when I'd already come so far. I just needed a little longer with the Aeli and I would have succeeded.
...But I wasn't strong enough. In the end, they overpowered me, and yanked me free of the Aeli before I could find the answers I sought. If I'd had even another five minutes...
[...A soft exhale.]
Regardless, that's about when I found myself here.
[...He succeeded. He truly came so close to the answer that he had sought, only to have it ripped away from him at the last possible second. Sure, she doesn't doubt that the Aeli could simply have obliterated him outright, but it sounded like he managed to survive. He could have figured it out, and...
Amaya sees where the dots connect, but she's not sure if bringing up why Fiona could have acted that would help him at all. Or...any of it, really, because she understands it just a little too well.]
...How cruel of them, whether they knew it or not. Though I imagine that messing with the Aeli could have had disastrous consequences even outside of what you had done, I understand why you had to take that chance. Anything, to seize what's rightfully yours back.
...Anything, to seize the only thing that is yours back.
[Amaya's quiet when she says that much, but there's no pity or absolution in her tone. No judgement, either. Her own freedom danced at the edge of a blade she barely knew how to use before she made the stupid mistake of disarming herself. His freedom was in a place no one should be, and yet those stupid people yanked him out and brought him back. Out of a sense of...what, pity? Sadness?]
They must have thought they were saving you. Either that, or all sense truly left their head; regardless...I believe to an extent, I understand what you've gone through.
...Though I know not what else to say; I fear anything else would be considered...insulting, truly.
[...]
Thank you, for...sharing this much with me, regardless. [The gesture is deeply awkward when she does it, starting and stopping again as if she doesn't...know how to do it really, but a hand of hers goes and very briefly pats one of his that work on her hair.] It will not leave this room.
[The only thing that is his. Yes, that's exactly it. He won't truly be complete until he knows, and he won't ever understand his place in this damn world if he doesn't have that opportunity. To live without those memories simply isn't an option. Amaya understands that much, and it feels...
Complicated. It isn't a clear-cut, easy feeling. She doesn't pity him or judge him for it, and she understands. Shouldn't that be a good feeling? Shouldn't he be glad? But instead he feels...
Helpless. Like giving voice to all of this makes it real. Maybe it never truly sank in before now how completely screwed he is when he returns home. Or maybe it's just that he's never had anyone accept him for all of this and that's what's causing this strange feeling that makes him want to do something. Something destructive, maybe. He doesn't understand; more than he usually doesn't understand his own feelings.]
You've said enough, don't worry. I don't want or need pretty words; they certainly won't make any of this any easier.
[Her hand rises to meet his and he stills where he's fixing her braids; it's... not something he's used to. Physical affection. Fiona used to link arms with him or hold his hand, and he learned to tolerate it eventually (because there was no saying no to Fiona) and yet...
For some strange reason, he wants to grab her hand and never let go.
Zvei doesn't move until she withdraws her hand and he nods stiffly, mechanically.]
Yes. [He blinks owlishly and then shakes his head as if to clear it.] Yes, of course. I wouldn't particularly care... but it might make the others think I'm a threat. Better to keep it just between the two of us, hmm?
[...It's strange. She's rendered him so untalkative, and it's so unlike Zvei to not be talking like he usually does. The quiet, the simpler answers; she wonders if it's all hitting him, or something. Like it hit her so long ago, that she was alone with nothing left.
Amaya's face betrays nothing, when she speaks again.]
I agree. I've likewise handed you the means to have me considered a threat, too, should you desire it. It's as if we hold weapons to our very necks now; I believe one would call it mutually assured destruction.
I don't mind it.
[It's strange to say that, but it makes sense to Amaya. You only get something if you have something to offer back. It's mutual, it's assured. It's what makes sense.]
...Do you think that they will ever let you near it again, Zvei? Even if you were to tell them why?
[...]
If not...well. Gods only know how this place works, but Madide's magic works in strange and mysterious ways.
[Maybe it's a mistake, to say this much. Maybe he won't even see this for what it is, and a part of her hopes he doesn't.
[The first part gets an exhale that could almost be a laugh under another circumstance. Mutually assured destruction, indeed. This is why he wanted to tell her, so she wouldn't feel as though she's the only one with a sword over her head just waiting to fall. It isn't fair for him to take and take and take from her, and give nothing in return. They can both await their doom this way.]
I wouldn't have trusted anyone else with it.
[And it's true. For as much as he likes some of the others, no one quite understands him like Amaya. No one else would freely offer him a blade, expecting nothing in return... and would willingly hold his, when offered, with no judgment or pity.
The questions get him to incline his head a bit, but he doesn't have to think about it.]
No. I'll be lucky if they don't have me executed for what I've done.
[Even if he told Lorraine everything... she wouldn't be okay with him risking endangering the world a second time. Hell, if anything, she's the one likely to call for his head first.
But Amaya continues and his mismatched eyes widen at that offer. She should know better than to risk it; even if her world doesn't work the same way Aelios does, he's already made it perfectly clear he'd do anything for his memories, including putting everyone at risk. He'd do it again, too. The only thing stopping him is that no one will let him get near the Aeli again.
Even so, Amaya offers. Even knowing the type of person he is, and that he doesn't regret a damn thing, she still offers.]
Miss Amaya... [A soft exhale; this one doesn't sound like a laugh.] I can never thank you enough, simply for your understanding and your trust. To think you'd even offer your world to me...
[He wants so badly to say yes. To sink his claws into her and never let go, ever again. So she can't leave him or turn on him or put herself in his way. A cruel, callous thought, when this woman has been denied her freedom for so long.]
Let's revisit this once our stay here is over. I'll have an answer for you then. There's much we have to learn about this place, after all - perhaps my memories are within reach even here.
...Thank you, though. Truly.
[And for once, the smile he gives her seems the tiniest bit softer, somehow.]
The words hit Amaya's ears and she's...honestly a little struck, when she hears him say that. The idea that he trusts her back on such a level is...strange. It makes her feel so, so very empty that she almost wishes she could get him to talk about something inane again, but she recognizes this for what it is. He...trusts her. Her, who's already proven she can lie to him. Her, who can't even return that gentleness, that softness as the rest of his words hit her...
It's a strange and empty feeling, and it makes her realize just how hollow she really is. That even the idea of making him so damned happy has made her own empty, wanting heart feel a deep sense of depression.
It doesn't hit her face, though. She just wishes she could smile to him.]
Then we shall do the utmost to leave no stone unturned, while we are here. To see if we cannot find the means with which to jog your memories, if possible.
[And yet, when she speaks again, her tone is intense--it isn't quite soft or kind, but it almost feels like an oath.]
It truly is no trouble, though. You really do deserve that chance.
And...well, I ought to repay you for the burden of taking care of me today somehow, yes?
[Her expression doesn't change, but her words do, taking on the weight of an oath. He recognizes that intensity, that need to express something very important and put the proper weight on it. It's what he does sometimes, after all.
Zvei laughs - the usual sharp, short laugh - and finally finishes with her hair, taking a step back.]
Let's see how you like it, first. I think I did a fairly good job of recreating your usual style!
[But her words truly make it clear that she does want to help. That this isn't just an offer of kindness, but one of desire. She wants to help him. A crazy, unbelievable idea, but one she puts forth with such sincerity that he has no choice but to believe her. Some part of him wishes he still had the excuse of his hands in his hair, just so he could remain close for a little while longer.]
You don't have to repay me, but I'm pleased you want to help. You're full of surprises, aren't you, miss Amaya?
[Amaya will check herself over, running her hands gently through the loose parts of her hair and gently checking over the braids--they seem to be perfectly snug and secure, and not even a single snarl to be found.]
I would say so, truly. Aneirin may have some competition, going forward; you exceeded my expectations.
[Still, Amaya turns to face Zvei, her gaze a little blank but...]
...I do not often try to be; it is usually unintentional. But I...do try my best, to live as sincerely as I can now that I have the opportunity. Even if I gain nothing in return from it. I do not need to. I am simply...happy to be of use, yes.
[...]
You really did memorize my hairstyle quite well. If you...ever wish to do this again, I would not mind if you did.
[And, without missing a beat, almost attempting to joke--]
It's almost as if you like this style on me. Maybe I'll have to see what else you like.
[Zvei grins at the praise; he's fallen right back into his usual demeanor, but then, of course he has. This is how he's lived his life for nearly the past seven years, it's simply easier this way.]
I would be delighted to help again, miss Amaya. Whenever you need your hair redone.
[But that joke gets a fake gasp from him, raising a hand to cover his mouth with a delighted grin.]
Oh dear, whatever gave you that idea? Surely it isn't because you're so exceptionally cute with that look— oops, I shouldn't be flattering you too much or I might risk embarrassing you again~
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
cws continue, probably for the rest of this thread
He'd be lying if he said he felt nothing about Amaya's story so far. But it isn't pity (a foreign emotion he's not sure he's ever felt in his life) or sorrow (equally foreign) that plague him. It's excitement, the spark of fascination that always drives him, and maybe he should feel worse about it because clearly this is the sort of story that should make people feel sad.
But Amaya doesn't want to be seen as someone in need of saving. She doesn't want pity. She wants to be heard, and Zvei can certainly offer an ear for that.]
I can certainly see why you weren't fond of the idea of turning Giyuu into a doll. That's a rather touchy subject for you, isn't it?
[Because she was meant to be a doll. Her whole upbringing was for that purpose. What a miserable life to have led...]
I can see where you were worried about being pitied or treated differently. Rest assured that I'm incapable of feeling such things. [lmao.] I'll admit that your story fascinates me so far - I would like to hear more.
:kyuuchan_nod: (additonal cws going forward: children murdering people, abandonment)
...And well, it would be cruel of her to not keep going, even if she makes a small tch noise. Though, she nods her head at the first statement--to say the least, he's right about that.]
Most people would find that a little insulting, to bare their heart to someone and to be met with fascination...you truly are a strange one, Zvei.
[There's nothing derisive in her tone, though. That's her Zvei, really.]
...But you wouldn't be you, if you weren't curious.
Well, then allow me to apologize to you, first; I have not been entirely truthful about some things that I have told you. Not out of malice of course, but...such things, they tend to be looked at unfavorably, and in a situation like ours? I did not want to say such a thing, if there was a risk it could get out to the greater group.
...If you do betray such a thing to save your own life, I will not be mad at you, of course. But you don't seem the type to do it for the group's sake, so...permit me to continue, then.
[And continue she shall.]
I'll spare you the continuation of everything my father and the cultists did, but rest assured, even after I had realized what my true purpose was and the Dragon granted me the ability to defy it, that their treatment continued. Part of me wonders if it was because the Dragon showed me favor; he had originally intended to raise me as a sacrifice to her. She's powered by negative emotions, and a child who has known nothing but resentment and structure? Surely, he thought, I would be perfect for her.
And he was right. [Amaya's eyes go slightly dark, here; no real emotion behind them but something a little...crueler, almost. Not unlike the air she puts on, not the leaderly, perhaps even mothering persona that wants to be better.] ...Just not in the way that he realized.
Once I had gained the Dragon's favor, however, Father became more possessive of me, outright calling me The Dragon's 'Herald'; it's a name people like to use against me nowadays, though they are not completely wrong in it. Her power still lies within me, after all, but I had gained the ability to use some of her power to assist my father's wishes. He began to travel, taking me with him throughout many of Madide's lands in order to lay the groundwork of his final plans for the world.
The eradication of humanity's selfish emotions. He wanted to exert complete domination over humanity, to force them to serve his wishes forevermore. Wishes that had become deeply distorted over time, as the Dragon's hold on him began to grow and he began to rely more on her power.
We met a strange, merry band of outcasts who came together to try and stop him, you know. [Amaya's gaze goes colder when she mentions them, though...she can focus on them, next. She wants to clarify this much, first.] A group of five, brought together through various circumstances trying to understand just what was happening to their homes. They often talked to me after facing my Father's forces, as I would usually be tasked to stay behind and ensure their completion. Or...punishment for their failures. He had me kill quite a few for their failure to succeed, and he killed just as many. By that point...well, he'd already forced me to kill the only friend that I had managed to sneak into my life, somehow. Taking the lives of people I have no investment in after that became but a breeze, for better or worse.
[...]
So, Zvei, [Amaya's look goes to Zvei, and she's usually not one for entertainment. She really isn't; it's beyond her and it's something that could only make her feel emptiness, under the Dragon's rule in her heart. But...maybe a part of her wants to indulge him a bit.] with this information...what do you think I may have kept mum about?
no subject
[There's nothing malicious in it, of course. He just can't manage to feel things that most people do, and in this one instance, that's not a bad thing. There is no pity for her because he can't feel it. The most he can manage throughout this is excitement - and better that than nothing at all, he thinks.
But Amaya clarifies something and he inclines his head a bit as she continues. How odd, that she would be willing to part with such sensitive information... but then, he's willing to share his own with her, with the idea that she won't tell the group at large either. To save herself, perhaps. He couldn't fault her for that.
Her story continues and the tale she weaves continues to defy expectations. To be chosen by the Dragon rather than her father and yet still chained to his bidding... No wonder she's a woman full of resentment and anger. It's all she's ever known. Truly fascinating that she was even forced to kill her one friend... she must have considered using the Dragon's power against her father, but why did she never go through with it? The question dances on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows it when Amaya asks her own of him.]
What the Dragon did with you... or perhaps what you did with the Dragon's power.
[His answer is immediate, without hesitation. Because with the power of something akin to a god, why would you not use it? She must have made use of it in some way.]
I doubt you wanted to carry out your father's wishes, but you had all that power... what did you do with it?
[He can't help but think of the Aeli's power, warping the very way he saw the world and experienced it and all of that being ripped from him—]
Did you perhaps seek to punish those who hurt you?
slaps on a cw: suicidal ideation (minor now, might go more major later)
Amaya wouldn't know.]
Astute. I expected no less of you. The answer is the latter.
[Amaya's look goes out more toward the distance, though, and she adjusts herself so she's laying in her bed; this is sadly one of the highest points of her life, and it's all downhill from here.]
...The day came that my father intended to bring forth the Dragon's full might, you know. He had killed every other member of the cult, loyal and otherwise to fuel his ambition; that merry band came and fought him, and they even managed to lose. My father would have had the whole world in his hands if everything had worked out in such a way.
Unfortunately, he didn't account for our plan. One that I had been working with the Dragon on since the day she spoke to me on her altar, and decided she quite liked the darkness in my heart that had been fostered.
And so, on her order...once she was properly summoned, I rewarded my father's faith, by making him the first to die at our collective hand. You should have seen him, Zvei; screaming the entire time as he bled out, poison from the blade I forged from one of her fangs ensuring that he died an utterly painful death. That merry band simply had no idea what to do in such a situation, and I watched that man die before setting to work alongside her to achieve our collective goal.
The end of Madide as we knew it.
...It was truly the happiest day of my life, you know.
[But she'll let him process that first. He'll be able to see her look go much more distant, though; her hands seem to grip the book in her hands just a little tighter, and her expression seems to darken in earnest.
...Looks like it may have been the last happiness in her life, too.]
no subject
The end of the world, hm? Well, I can't say I blame you, given all you'd experienced up to that point. Why assume that the rest of the world would be better, when everyone in your life had been horrible?
[The happiest day of her life... To finally be free of one set of chains, and yet not completely free, if he had to guess. The Dragon likely wanted Amaya for her own reasons, after all. He can only imagine how this ended, but...]
I assume things didn't go according to plan, for one reason or another. After all, if it had, I don't think you'd be here talking to me.
[There's no judgment from him - if anything, he looks even more thrilled by this revelation. And why wouldn't he? It's not quite the same as what he did, but it's on the same general level of awfulness - something else they have in common. Like truly did recognize like on that day.]
no subject
It was meant to be an end, to the suffering I had faced. I truly looked forward to it as...one final hurrah, really, before I could rest at last.
[But ah. Zvei is truly too astute for his own good, and while she spares him a glance, she...nods her head before looking back out into the distance.]
...You would be correct, however. That merry band...they managed to find their way onto the Dragon in an attempt to face us both down. She was massive, you know; just her awakening alone leveled five lesser kingdoms to the ground with her shockwaves, and together, we managed to tear a massive hole into Quercetem as a whole. But...
[A small noise escapes Amaya.]
...You're likely going to find this more than a touch pathetic, but they truly didn't want to kill me, you know. In our time together, they had...tried to get to know me, to understand me. I kept lying to try and get them to serve my needs and weaken my father, but they...they...
[Amaya's grip tightens on the book in her hands, and she looks genuinely upset as she continues.]
They reached out to me, shouting up to me. They shouted such inane things, Zvei. They shouted that the world could be better than everything I had faced. They shouted that there was love, light, and laughter in the world that I had been deprived of for so long that they could show me. That the world was unfair to me, but that was okay, because it didn't still have to be. All I had to do was...
All I had to do was let them in, and they'd take care of me. They...they promised me they'd take me to so many places around Madide, to make my own memories. They promised me that this didn't have to be the end. I was already stupidly crying over having to kill my own family, one I didn't even love, and I just wanted them to stop, to stop reaching out to me, to stop trying to pull me in, to stop being so kind to me when it was such a foreign emotion, and they...they...
[Amaya shakes. Amaya shakes like she's that little girl all those years ago, hopeful and crying and with a genuine belief that things would turn out okay. Maybe not perfect, she'd still have so much to repent for in the end, but they had dared to make it sound like she could have a perfect life with them, alongside them.]
They lied to me.
no subject
Well, those thoughts are promptly getting ignored in favor of Amaya's story as she continues, and boy does she have quite the story to share. This is actually fairly believable, as he has met a great many groups of plucky would-be heroes working for Ruby Dawn who would fight against overwhelming odds for the good of the world or whatever and who would be kind enough to reach out a hand to a girl who was hurting. Maybe they saw that. Maybe they thought it a more effective way to prevent the world from ending. Either way, it reminds him a lot of the various guilds he's seen come and go, and the stories he's heard of those who made it to the top of the Aeli's Branches.
But that doesn't change the fact that it sounds like in the end, Amaya was still left alone. Even if they'd meant to do good, they hadn't carried out their promises. Though there's no sense in trying to believe the best in people like that - not that Zvei's the sort to do that in the first place.]
They left you behind. [It isn't a question. He's certain that's what happened.] They offered you a different life, and then they turned their backs on you.
[...What does betrayal like that feel like?]
What did you do after that? What of the Dragon?
and one last one, cw: discussion of possession
I awoke, and they were gone. It was just me, my wounds, and...the Dragon.
[Haha. Didn't think she'd escape that so easy, did you?]
...I didn't even notice her at first, all be told. I spent a long, long time just...crying and damning them for not even having the basic decency to kill me themselves. That their pity and so-called love and desire to want better for me was just a farce. It always is, with people. They don't want something of you unless they can get something in return; it was a cruel, harsh lesson to learn, but I had no choice but to endure it.
And the Dragon...she had decided to bind herself into my heart as a punishment. [...] She gave me access to every bit of her power, but in exchange, she took my ability to feel...any sort of positive emotion ever again. And she would stay there, waiting. Waiting for me to make a decision, one way or another.
...Being here, all be told, is the first time in years I don't have her commentary in my mind going on whilst I speak. It truly gets quite irritating, after a while.
[But if nothing else, that probably explains why she doesn't like the amount of pity they showed Giyuu. Because it's fake. It's always, always fake.]
But...Aneirin found me, not even an hour after this had all taken place.
no subject
[It's a humorless laugh; almost more an exhale than a proper laugh. The cold, cruel reality of the world - that people will only offer you something if they gain something in return. With the world saved, why should they care about Amaya? Yes, he can understand exactly why she found the others' mercy and pity for Giyuu so abhorrent, because there's no way there isn't an underlying reason for it that they just aren't stating. There's no way they can truly be such bleeding hearts, because people like that simply can't exist. If they did exist, then why didn't they help Amaya herself when she needed it most?
But her story isn't over. The Dragon's ability to seal Amaya's emotions is almost laughable in the face of everything she experienced. Her one momentary joy ripped away from her and then prevented from ever feeling that joy ever again.]
You mean to tell me the Dragon isn't here with you? How curious... I had noticed that some of us are missing access to our magic, but to think that she wasn't brought in with you...
[How does that work? This raises all sorts of questions that he can't really ask because it isn't his place to go prying. Still, it's easier to think about this than anything that came before it. Knowing what Amaya's been through almost makes him feel something, and that's weird and kind of uncomfortable.]
Did he take you in, then? At the very least to have someone to feed on?
no subject
But no. It's...the quietest my head has been in a very long time.
[sorry for giving you a feeling, zvei. you did ask though!!! fuck around and find out!!!]
...But yes, he did. I didn't like the way he looked at me at first either, practically hissing like a wild cat at him, but...he only stayed with me because of the free meal he got out of my misery, yes. We were both essentially left together and to our own devices for...years, really.
He was the one who insisted that we learn some skills in order to survive; he learned how to barter with the best of them, and I learned how to...build, and grow crops. I built many of the little hovels that we spent our time in over the years, up until people began to notice how strong the both of us were and...stayed near us. With us.
[Amaya lets out a sound, humorless.]
...I can barely take care of myself, you know. Most days I can barely get out of bed, and others I can barely bring a brush up to take care of the snarls in my hair. I truly don't care about them, or maintaining anything that makes me pretty.
Aneirin is the one who insists on it, most of the time. He...even picked this little hairstyle for me, strangely enough.
[...It definitely looks like she hasn't been maintaining it, though, her hair's a little all over the place and the braids are starting to come loose...]
But...eventually, things changed, to where they are today.
no subject
It's hardly any wonder they both latched onto each other, he supposes. They both want something out of this relationship, and it seems likely they'll both get it. At the very least it's companionship with someone of a like mind, which is something he's never truly had before, at the very least.]
More people gathered to the two of you, and now you find yourself in a leadership role, even if that isn't what you would have wanted. I think I understand quite a bit more about you now, miss Amaya.
[Zvei inclines his head a bit before scooting his chair forward and gesturing to her to sit up.]
Come now, at least let me fix your hair in return for the fascinating story. I know how to braid hair!
[...Don't sound so proud of yourself...]
A... [friend?] coworker of mine taught me. Your style is quite pretty; I'd like to see it maintained if possible.
[No sense in looking anything less than your best around all of these strangers, right?]
no subject
...It means a lot more than Amaya can express.]
Pah. That at least makes one of us, I suppose. [It's back to neutral on that one, though at least a little light.] ...I still intend to spite her and all of those who think that I will merely relapse, however. I've made my decision about the world of Madide as a whole, and I refuse to give her or my father the satisfaction of seeing their ambitions fulfilled--
[--Wait a minute, hold on there, she sees that gesture; Amaya seems to jolt up for a moment when Zvei brings up her hair, sort of...blinking in surprise as she pauses.]
You don't have to. Really, I...
[...She hasn't actually managed to convince herself to pick up a brush all this week, despite her rampant cleaning...
A...coworker of mine taught me. Your style is quite pretty; I'd like to see it maintained if possible.]
...Now I just wonder if you're trying to fluster me again. [But despite herself, Amaya starts to get up and she'll go where ever he gestures for her to go.] But I...am not opposed, if you so wish. It would be the perfect opportunity to hear your own story, if you still wish to tell me it.
[...]
Thank you. You...truly do not have to do this, if you do not wish.
no subject
But Amaya gets up and Zvei vacates the chair so she can take it; easier to work on her hair when he can move around her as needed. He locates the brush and grins, waving it at her.]
And you must know that I wouldn't offer it in the first place if it isn't what I wanted to do. Really now, I'm a very simple man. I only ever do what I want to do.
[Once Amaya's settled, he'll get to work - first undoing the braids so that he can comb out her hair - he's efficient but not rough, making sure her hair is taken care of so that he can redo the style in a moment.]
As for my own story... Hmm. Well, I've already told you the most important part. That seven years ago I awoke without any of my memories.
[He'd brushed it off at the time, tried to downplay its importance. After all, the last thing he wanted to do was draw attention to it - or worse, have some sort of pity or sympathy for his plight. Such things rub him the wrong way; whether it's because he can't feel them himself or because it feels condescending, he's not sure.]
I've been honest about my occupation, but not about my desires. Yes, I do greatly enjoy learning for the sake of learning, as well as exploring the unknown. But much of it is in service to my greater goal: the only thing I truly care about.
I want my memories back. I will do anything to reclaim them.
[He sounds perfectly relaxed as he says it, but even without seeing him, she can likely sense the intensity in the words.]
no subject
I know. I'm simply not so used to being the...subject, of those wants.
[But Amaya listens to Zvei as he starts to talk; she had a feeling that there was something else to Zvei when she spoke with him, that there had to be something underneath that seemingly empty, airy head of his that kept driving him forward other than his curiosity. A carrot at the end of the stick, a goal to pursue.
His memories--but of course. Memories are some of the most important things a person could have, and missing so many of them from what Amaya can assume?]
I understand. Memories are of great importance; they shape who we are, and are our very reason for being. To be deprived of such things for so long, with only your curiosity to drive you ever forward...well. I can certainly understand the desire to do anything to regain those memories back.
[There's no judgement in her tone, and no pity or sympathy. It's merely objective fact; she's not stupid. She doesn't want pity, and she won't grant him any in return because he's not the sort either.]
...Have you come closer to finding them?
cw: suicidal ideation again
Precisely. Seven years of memories is not a lot - it's not enough. I don't know who I was, where I came from, or what happened to... result in me ending up like this.
[I don't know why I'm so different from everyone else or I don't know why I'm broken might be more accurate, but he chooses to word it more neutrally.]
I have. I found a solution - the Aeli itself. I've told you that it is akin to a god in our world. The World Tree is powerful beyond anything else in the world, even the magicaeli. If I couldn't reclaim my memories with those stones, then clearly I needed something more powerful.
I didn't agree to help Ruby Dawn for the sake of exploration. I agreed to help them so I could merge myself into the Aeli - to forcibly restore these memories, no matter the cost.
[He sets the brush aside; despite the intensity in his words, his hands are gentle as he braids her hair.]
I knew the cost of failure. I knew there was a very real chance that the Aeli would simply kill me for trying to merge with it. I also knew that if I didn't die, that Ruby Dawn would turn on me. And I knew that there was a possibility that taking this power for myself would upset the very balance of the world and risk ending all of Aelios - I didn't care. As long as I had a chance at my memories, I'd do anything.
[He leaves it there for now, the intensity almost burning; his words have become flatter, somehow more intense but yet more monotone than he usually is. There's none of the usual cheer present, for once.]
cws continued y'all know the drill--
...She's inwardly glad that whatever he did may not have actually worked, because he wouldn't be here, and isn't that more than a little unfair to him? As far as he knows, he just sprung from the tree fully formed. That isn't fair, to a man who deserves to know what his life was like beforehand, about who he was--]
...I understand. When you have so little lived experience and you know something so...brilliant, lies just outside of reach...it makes one want it even more. Even as self serving as your goals were, they're understandable; you had to know who you were. Even if it resulted in your...obliteration, it sounds like.
[...]
What happened, in the end?
no subject
[It's back to the calm, easy tone. Like it really isn't all that important, despite being the driving force in his life for the past seven years. But that question...]
I almost succeeded. I did merge with the Aeli - for a brief period of time, we were one. It wasn't like your relationship with the Dragon; the Aeli and I merged entirely. Its consciousness and knowledge were mine, and mine belonged to it as well. I could see everything, I just needed a little more time to understand how to separate myself from the Aeli enough to make use of its power to dig out those lost memories—
[His voice speeds up as he speaks, going from the usual relaxed, carefree tone into something darker and more pressurized. Each word pick up pace until it's almost like he can't stop, even if he suddenly decided he wanted to. At least until he suddenly cuts himself off to breathe, shaking his head a bit as if to clear it.]
That friend I told you about, Fiona? She was the first one to try to stop me. She said if I continued this unchecked, I'd put the world in danger, and she couldn't allow that.
[...]
She looked... sad as she said it.
[It goes without saying he doesn't know why. Zvei's expression darkens for a moment into something that's almost bitter before it vanishes entirely.]
So I killed her. I killed many of them. Coworkers, comrades, people I'd known for the past several years... It didn't matter, not when I'd already come so far. I just needed a little longer with the Aeli and I would have succeeded.
...But I wasn't strong enough. In the end, they overpowered me, and yanked me free of the Aeli before I could find the answers I sought. If I'd had even another five minutes...
[...A soft exhale.]
Regardless, that's about when I found myself here.
[So close, and yet so godsdamned far.]
no subject
Amaya sees where the dots connect, but she's not sure if bringing up why Fiona could have acted that would help him at all. Or...any of it, really, because she understands it just a little too well.]
...How cruel of them, whether they knew it or not. Though I imagine that messing with the Aeli could have had disastrous consequences even outside of what you had done, I understand why you had to take that chance. Anything, to seize what's rightfully yours back.
...Anything, to seize the only thing that is yours back.
[Amaya's quiet when she says that much, but there's no pity or absolution in her tone. No judgement, either. Her own freedom danced at the edge of a blade she barely knew how to use before she made the stupid mistake of disarming herself. His freedom was in a place no one should be, and yet those stupid people yanked him out and brought him back. Out of a sense of...what, pity? Sadness?]
They must have thought they were saving you. Either that, or all sense truly left their head; regardless...I believe to an extent, I understand what you've gone through.
...Though I know not what else to say; I fear anything else would be considered...insulting, truly.
[...]
Thank you, for...sharing this much with me, regardless. [The gesture is deeply awkward when she does it, starting and stopping again as if she doesn't...know how to do it really, but a hand of hers goes and very briefly pats one of his that work on her hair.] It will not leave this room.
no subject
[The only thing that is his. Yes, that's exactly it. He won't truly be complete until he knows, and he won't ever understand his place in this damn world if he doesn't have that opportunity. To live without those memories simply isn't an option. Amaya understands that much, and it feels...
Complicated. It isn't a clear-cut, easy feeling. She doesn't pity him or judge him for it, and she understands. Shouldn't that be a good feeling? Shouldn't he be glad? But instead he feels...
Helpless. Like giving voice to all of this makes it real. Maybe it never truly sank in before now how completely screwed he is when he returns home. Or maybe it's just that he's never had anyone accept him for all of this and that's what's causing this strange feeling that makes him want to do something. Something destructive, maybe. He doesn't understand; more than he usually doesn't understand his own feelings.]
You've said enough, don't worry. I don't want or need pretty words; they certainly won't make any of this any easier.
[Her hand rises to meet his and he stills where he's fixing her braids; it's... not something he's used to. Physical affection. Fiona used to link arms with him or hold his hand, and he learned to tolerate it eventually (because there was no saying no to Fiona) and yet...
For some strange reason, he wants to grab her hand and never let go.
Zvei doesn't move until she withdraws her hand and he nods stiffly, mechanically.]
Yes. [He blinks owlishly and then shakes his head as if to clear it.] Yes, of course. I wouldn't particularly care... but it might make the others think I'm a threat. Better to keep it just between the two of us, hmm?
no subject
Amaya's face betrays nothing, when she speaks again.]
I agree. I've likewise handed you the means to have me considered a threat, too, should you desire it. It's as if we hold weapons to our very necks now; I believe one would call it mutually assured destruction.
I don't mind it.
[It's strange to say that, but it makes sense to Amaya. You only get something if you have something to offer back. It's mutual, it's assured. It's what makes sense.]
...Do you think that they will ever let you near it again, Zvei? Even if you were to tell them why?
[...]
If not...well. Gods only know how this place works, but Madide's magic works in strange and mysterious ways.
[Maybe it's a mistake, to say this much. Maybe he won't even see this for what it is, and a part of her hopes he doesn't.
But the offer, implicit as it is, stands.]
no subject
I wouldn't have trusted anyone else with it.
[And it's true. For as much as he likes some of the others, no one quite understands him like Amaya. No one else would freely offer him a blade, expecting nothing in return... and would willingly hold his, when offered, with no judgment or pity.
The questions get him to incline his head a bit, but he doesn't have to think about it.]
No. I'll be lucky if they don't have me executed for what I've done.
[Even if he told Lorraine everything... she wouldn't be okay with him risking endangering the world a second time. Hell, if anything, she's the one likely to call for his head first.
But Amaya continues and his mismatched eyes widen at that offer. She should know better than to risk it; even if her world doesn't work the same way Aelios does, he's already made it perfectly clear he'd do anything for his memories, including putting everyone at risk. He'd do it again, too. The only thing stopping him is that no one will let him get near the Aeli again.
Even so, Amaya offers. Even knowing the type of person he is, and that he doesn't regret a damn thing, she still offers.]
Miss Amaya... [A soft exhale; this one doesn't sound like a laugh.] I can never thank you enough, simply for your understanding and your trust. To think you'd even offer your world to me...
[He wants so badly to say yes. To sink his claws into her and never let go, ever again. So she can't leave him or turn on him or put herself in his way. A cruel, callous thought, when this woman has been denied her freedom for so long.]
Let's revisit this once our stay here is over. I'll have an answer for you then. There's much we have to learn about this place, after all - perhaps my memories are within reach even here.
...Thank you, though. Truly.
[And for once, the smile he gives her seems the tiniest bit softer, somehow.]
no subject
The words hit Amaya's ears and she's...honestly a little struck, when she hears him say that. The idea that he trusts her back on such a level is...strange. It makes her feel so, so very empty that she almost wishes she could get him to talk about something inane again, but she recognizes this for what it is. He...trusts her. Her, who's already proven she can lie to him. Her, who can't even return that gentleness, that softness as the rest of his words hit her...
It's a strange and empty feeling, and it makes her realize just how hollow she really is. That even the idea of making him so damned happy has made her own empty, wanting heart feel a deep sense of depression.
It doesn't hit her face, though. She just wishes she could smile to him.]
Then we shall do the utmost to leave no stone unturned, while we are here. To see if we cannot find the means with which to jog your memories, if possible.
[And yet, when she speaks again, her tone is intense--it isn't quite soft or kind, but it almost feels like an oath.]
It truly is no trouble, though. You really do deserve that chance.
And...well, I ought to repay you for the burden of taking care of me today somehow, yes?
no subject
Zvei laughs - the usual sharp, short laugh - and finally finishes with her hair, taking a step back.]
Let's see how you like it, first. I think I did a fairly good job of recreating your usual style!
[But her words truly make it clear that she does want to help. That this isn't just an offer of kindness, but one of desire. She wants to help him. A crazy, unbelievable idea, but one she puts forth with such sincerity that he has no choice but to believe her. Some part of him wishes he still had the excuse of his hands in his hair, just so he could remain close for a little while longer.]
You don't have to repay me, but I'm pleased you want to help. You're full of surprises, aren't you, miss Amaya?
no subject
I would say so, truly. Aneirin may have some competition, going forward; you exceeded my expectations.
[Still, Amaya turns to face Zvei, her gaze a little blank but...]
...I do not often try to be; it is usually unintentional. But I...do try my best, to live as sincerely as I can now that I have the opportunity. Even if I gain nothing in return from it. I do not need to. I am simply...happy to be of use, yes.
[...]
You really did memorize my hairstyle quite well. If you...ever wish to do this again, I would not mind if you did.
[And, without missing a beat, almost attempting to joke--]
It's almost as if you like this style on me. Maybe I'll have to see what else you like.
no subject
I would be delighted to help again, miss Amaya. Whenever you need your hair redone.
[But that joke gets a fake gasp from him, raising a hand to cover his mouth with a delighted grin.]
Oh dear, whatever gave you that idea? Surely it isn't because you're so exceptionally cute with that look— oops, I shouldn't be flattering you too much or I might risk embarrassing you again~
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)