[Okay, she has to tease just a little bit, as a treat--but Amaya does nod her head in understanding to that statement, though.]
...It is what one has to do, sometimes. To find their own reason for being, and living; to not allow others' opinions to shape them, but to stand on their own, proud of who they are or who they wish to be.
[...]
For what it is worth, I think there's plenty in you to like, Zvei. But I understand; I truly didn't expect it either.
[The teasing gets another pleased laugh from him; how cute... But he settles a bit at the more serious topic.]
I'm not. It feels strange, knowing that I'm not on my own anymore.
[...]
...Will you... still like me once I regain my memories?
[An unfair question to ask, when no one knows what his memories hold. He could have been far worse. He could have been far better, too. He could have been anything, anyone else, and maybe that person wouldn't get along with Amaya the way "Zvei" does. It isn't fair to ask her for something she can't answer now. He knows that.
And yet selfishly, he hopes she'll say yes. That she'll always care for him; that he can always have this, even when he isn't the person she likes anymore.]
[Amaya's quiet for a good moment, once he says that; she knows that it's important to him to ask, in case he's different from the man she knows in the future once he gets his memories back. Amaya's head tilts slightly, and she finds herself taking both of his hands into hers if he'll let her.]
Zvei, you truly don't listen well. [Despite the words, there's nothing harsh in Amaya's tone at all; it's...blank, but perhaps trying to inflect some sort of warmth.] What do you think I meant, when I said I would love you no matter what the future holds?
[And to that, before he can get any smart ideas of speaking up--she's gonna try and give him a quick kiss to shush him really quick before pulling back.]
It means no matter who you are, at the end of your road, I will be there. Whether you decide to stay or not is...
[...]
It is your choice, in the end. But my word is my oath.
[That rubbed way too much against her abandonment issues. But she means every word of it.]
[opens his mouth to say a thing, is immediately kissed and shuts up. truly, who knew the solution to getting him to stop Yapping was to kiss him??
There's a lot in there he should address, but one thing stands out above all others, and Amaya's scarcely done speaking before he responds.]
I don't want to go anywhere else. I want to be right here, beside you.
[His grip on her hands tightens sharply; it might be painful, were they able to feel pain in this place.]
I can't return to Aelios anyway, not after what I've done. That life... I can't return to it as if nothing happened. And even if I could, how could I choose that over you?
[It's open, honest, a question he hasn't even thought to ask himself before, because nothing in Zvei's life ever mattered anywhere near as much as his memories. But now something - someone - does, and suddenly he realizes that this isn't the sort of thing that can be solved as neatly as he thought it could. He planed on leaving Zvei behind entirely. He didn't think there was any part of Zvei worth keeping.
But Amaya likes Zvei. Yuki likes Zvei. Seymour likes Zvei. And all of them have said that they were happy to meet him as he is now, even without his memories. There's no telling if they'll like the person he becomes with those memories. And if he can't return to that life...
—then what's the point in those memories in the first place?
Won't it just upset him, to know of a life he can't return to? Won't it just make things worse? It's not as though his memories will explain everything about him, no matter how many times he's desperately convinced himself of that. He clung to it because it was the only possible explanation, the only possible way forward. But here, now, with people who care about Zvei, who don't need him to explain why he's like this—]
I'm not going anywhere. [Desperate, now; a promise, an oath, a plea to himself to please, please listen—] I want to be right here. I want you, Amaya, I... There isn't anything I want more.
[...The realization that those words may actually be completely honest is chilling.]
[Amaya pauses for a moment while she listens to him speak, and her expression knits itself to outright worry as he continues. It feels so desperate, the way he says all of that--for a brief moment, she wonders if she's said too much, if she's making him do something he doesn't want by doing this. She's...
She's left wondering, for a moment, what she can do. Why he brings up Aelios again, even though he can't go back. She's not going to let him, and frankly he shouldn't, he deserves this chance to life as he sees fit and--
...
Oh. Maybe Amaya is wrong about this, but...oh, come on Zvei, can she hug you--]
...Zvei, please know that I do not doubt your promise to me. Not the weight, nor the devotion of said promise; I have not doubted it now, and I will not. You will not lose me. I...want you too, Zvei.
But...you're distressed. I've only seen you so distressed earlier, when we misunderstood one another--what's wrong?
[She moves to hug him and he latches on, grip unbelievably tight. Like maybe she'll pull back, or maybe so he can keep her from looking at him like this. He doesn't know. There's so damn much about this that he just doesn't know.
But she brings up a good point - Amaya doesn't know what's going on inside his head. She doesn't know why he's reacting like this, and it's only fair to explain it to her. But how does he do that? How does he even begin addressing any of this? He'd rather not - he'd rather just forget all about this and go back to thinking about Seymour's arrival or focusing on the exhibits in the museum or doing literally anything else—
But he has to try. She'll worry about him even more if he doesn't.]
...What if I'm wrong? What if all of this - all the work I've done for the past seven years - what if I turn my back on it? What if I decide to be "Zvei" and not pursue the past any further? I can't... I can't just let it go...
[Amaya embraces Zvei, gently pulling him in and guiding him toward her shoulder if he needs to...well. Break in relative privacy. Amaya listens as he talks, granting him her undivided attention. What he speaks of is surprising, yet with this entire conversation...no, it's not so much so. He's caught at an impasse; there's a strong possibility that Zvei would no longer exist, if his memories were to come back. If his memories were of someone different, Amaya would still love him, but...
There's no good answer for this, Amaya is finding. But she threads a hand into his hair, gently, and she speaks softly.]
Zvei. That is a choice you must make for yourself; you know how I feel about the agency of others. I will not try to direct you one way or another, of this I promise.
But allow me to ask you something. What would make you happiest? Going back to a life you do not know, but that will explain everything of you...or embracing the life you have made now, finding out who "Zvei" is deep down, and embracing him instead?
Most people, from what I am to understand...they live their lives simply poking and prodding all that they can, in order to find out who they are. It is what makes people such...rich tapestries; that journey into the unknown, and finding out who they are only at the end of that road.
...And I know not a concrete answer, unfortunately. But what I do know is this; that I intend to stay by you, regardless of your decision. If you pursue these memories to the end of the earth, I'll tear Madide asunder again to help you. If you decide to live your life now, as "Zvei" forevermore, I will embrace you with my whole heart.
[...]
If you're wrong, then it doesn't have to be the end. It can be a new beginning, a rebirth all it's own if you wish.
Because...I do think there's plenty of merit in the "Zvei" I have seen; the person I love, so very dearly.
[It isn't as simple as asking someone else what to do. He knows that. And if anyone tried to tell him what to do, he'd likely get contrary about it. So he knows her words are right, and yet it doesn't stop the sinking feeling in him. The feeling that he's going to have to choose and live with that choice, and he doesn't know what the correct choice is anymore.
The fact that there isn't one clear-cut, obviously correct choice is already a damnation in and of itself. How does he live with doubt, when his entire remembered life has been tirelessly working towards that one singular goal?
What would make you happiest? She asks, like he could have an answer to that. He doesn't know. The things that have made him happy here are the people, and being accepted by them. "Zvei" has them, but his (true?) self does not. Maybe they wouldn't leave. Maybe everything would still work out just fine. But what if the puzzle pieces no longer fit together, and he's changed too much?
But on the flip side of that, is he truly fine being "Zvei", when he's spent the past seven years desperately trying to find his memories to escape "Zvei"?]
...Even knowing all of my flaws, you'd say that?
[It's not that he doubted her confession earlier. It's just... he needs to hear it. He needs to hear that Zvei means the world to her, because that's—]
Even if I never change, never am able to do any better... Even if I always struggle with feelings and empathy and understanding others... You'll still love me?
[He's quiet for a long moment and then his shoulders begin to shake.]
That's a stupid question, isn't it?
[It's obvious that he's laughing now; soft, and somewhere between deeply amused and wry.]
Because I love you just as you are. I wouldn't care if you never change. I love the Amaya before me, and that's not changing, no matter what. That's how you feel about me, isn't it?
I just want you to be as happy as you can be. That's what you want for me as well, right? Wherever that ends up taking me.
[Amaya listens for a little bit, letting him sort himself out; patience has been something of a virtue of hers, and she's more than willing to let Zvei sort himself out and take care of himself. Slow but sure, a hand of hers comes up and winds itself in Zvei's hair, gently running through it in a manner that's just like how Aneirin does to hers.
...It's a little more awkward when she does it, but that first part gets an easy answer.]
Of course I will. You mean so very much to me, and you...
[But then Zvei speaks again, and he may as well have just struck her directly in the heart with how direct it is. Hearing him direct those words towards her when she doesn't entirely know if she deserves them is...
It makes Amaya's heart beat, and the idea that he could love her even without improvements, even without the ability to smile or feel anything positive towards him--she doesn't doubt him for a moment, she never has. For as smarmy and strangely distant despite his open smiles and words as he's seemed, he's given her all of his honesty. She doesn't doubt his words for a moment, and perhaps that's what's making this so nice.
What a beautiful thought.]
...Yes. That is exactly it, in fact; I love you no matter what form you take, because at the end of the day, you are still you. You are still the man I would gladly talk with about even the most inane of things, the one I would trust by my side as much as Aneirin, the one I would adore above all others.
To hear that you think the same of me is...not shocking, but it brings a strange feeling with it that I cannot identify. I want to cherish it, like I cherish you.
Even if nothing changes about you...I'd let the world burn before I see you hurt.
[That hand in his hair earns a soft sound of approval and his arms wind tighter around her for a moment before he finally pulls back so he can look at her.]
You really do say the most wonderful things to me.
[This might be considered sarcasm, but he says it 100% straight. He thinks it is very sexy of her to let the world burn tbh!!!!]
It's something I'm going to have to consider further before I can safely arrive at an answer for what I'll do going forward. But... hearing this does help tremendously. It's strange, in all these years I've been pursuing my memories, I rarely ever stopped to think about what else I'd want out of life.
[...Well, that gets Amaya to flush a lot, actually, dear god she's turning red--]
Goodness. You make me sound like a treasure that you've been looking for, for so long...
[...]
I...like it. Being considered so precious to you, as to be...something else you find enjoyable, in this life of yours. It...means, very much to me to hear that...
[This feels...different, to the kind of flustered she'd usually get around Zvei, honestly. Not quite as denial heavy, but still, so embarrassing...]
But I am...glad, to be of assistance to you. Please know that much, no matter the path you choose.
[He says, without even a hint of embarrassment or hesitation.]
For the first time... I feel like it's actually alright to just be "Zvei", because "Zvei" is someone so precious to you. It's more than I ever could have asked for, and yet it's also everything I've ever needed.
I'll figure out what I want to do going forward, but no matter what... I want you right here by my side. I don't know what I'd do without you, truly.
[...THAT JUST MAKES THE FLUSH WORSE, HOW IS IT EVEN WORSE WHEN HE'S BEING GENUINEEEE
Amaya's just going to use one of her hands to try and hide the bottom half of her face a bit??? It's fine, this is all fine--]
...Likewise, honestly. I had been so lost without you before, even if I did want to move forward...having you here and by my side means more than the entire world to me, Zvei. Even more than I could have expected myself capable of, truly.
[...]
You...really are positively beautiful like this, I must confess. You're practically radiant.
[The flush - or maybe her reaction to it, or maybe even the words themselves - earn a bright, pleased laugh. A little too short and sharp, but exactly what you've likely come to expect from Zvei.]
A testament to your influence! I didn't think I could feel this way before I met you. And yet here we are.
[There's still the concern of what will happen in the future. Will he continue to feel this radiant? Most of his emotions dull quickly with time, but he hopes this one doesn't. He never wants to feel any other way ever again.]
I'm glad though. That I can return the favor - that I can do so much for you as well, Amaya.
[...Ugh, even his laugh is cute. Amaya finds her gaze averting a bit, and when her stare goes back to him she's...]
...Believe me when I say the feeling is mutual. It is...a feeling I have long denied, due to everything about me. I imagined that no one would want to deal with such a thing, when most days I feel I barely even count as an adjusted human being. If I could not even love myself, how could I love another?
But it's very simple, truly. I...wish I had realized that a long time ago, but finding it here and now with you...it...is so very nice.
[Still, Amaya's gaze goes back to Zvei's lips and she finds herself shy all of a sudden. Of course her boldness would escape like some kind of myth now--]
...Do you...mind if we kiss again? I want to keep enjoying this moment, before everyone else's arrival. I...want to feel that light haziness and simply stay close like that again, if you'll have me.
Now, now, you aren't allowed to say that kind of thing about yourself while I'm around. Why, if anything, your unique feelings are what drew us together in the first place - I'd say that they're exceptionally important and not in a bad way at all. I do wish you could feel what I do in this moment, but knowing that you feel something different from the norm for me makes me very happy.
[It's a soft reprimand, a reminder that she matters to him at the very least, and he won't hear her put herself down like that. She likely feels the same about him as well, which means he'll need to be a bit more careful with how he refers to himself... But it's a worthy price to pay. He understands exactly what she's saying - how could he love someone who barely even exists, let alone understand how to give that love away?
And yet here they are. They'll fumble through this together, just as they have everything else here.]
Of course I don't mind! We can stay right here, just like this.
[And then he (thankfully) shuts up in favor of kissing Amaya again.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
no subject
[Okay, she has to tease just a little bit, as a treat--but Amaya does nod her head in understanding to that statement, though.]
...It is what one has to do, sometimes. To find their own reason for being, and living; to not allow others' opinions to shape them, but to stand on their own, proud of who they are or who they wish to be.
[...]
For what it is worth, I think there's plenty in you to like, Zvei. But I understand; I truly didn't expect it either.
But...you're not alone now.
no subject
I'm not. It feels strange, knowing that I'm not on my own anymore.
[...]
...Will you... still like me once I regain my memories?
[An unfair question to ask, when no one knows what his memories hold. He could have been far worse. He could have been far better, too. He could have been anything, anyone else, and maybe that person wouldn't get along with Amaya the way "Zvei" does. It isn't fair to ask her for something she can't answer now. He knows that.
And yet selfishly, he hopes she'll say yes. That she'll always care for him; that he can always have this, even when he isn't the person she likes anymore.]
no subject
Zvei, you truly don't listen well. [Despite the words, there's nothing harsh in Amaya's tone at all; it's...blank, but perhaps trying to inflect some sort of warmth.] What do you think I meant, when I said I would love you no matter what the future holds?
[And to that, before he can get any smart ideas of speaking up--she's gonna try and give him a quick kiss to shush him really quick before pulling back.]
It means no matter who you are, at the end of your road, I will be there. Whether you decide to stay or not is...
[...]
It is your choice, in the end. But my word is my oath.
[That rubbed way too much against her abandonment issues. But she means every word of it.]
no subject
There's a lot in there he should address, but one thing stands out above all others, and Amaya's scarcely done speaking before he responds.]
I don't want to go anywhere else. I want to be right here, beside you.
[His grip on her hands tightens sharply; it might be painful, were they able to feel pain in this place.]
I can't return to Aelios anyway, not after what I've done. That life... I can't return to it as if nothing happened. And even if I could, how could I choose that over you?
[It's open, honest, a question he hasn't even thought to ask himself before, because nothing in Zvei's life ever mattered anywhere near as much as his memories. But now something - someone - does, and suddenly he realizes that this isn't the sort of thing that can be solved as neatly as he thought it could. He planed on leaving Zvei behind entirely. He didn't think there was any part of Zvei worth keeping.
But Amaya likes Zvei. Yuki likes Zvei. Seymour likes Zvei. And all of them have said that they were happy to meet him as he is now, even without his memories. There's no telling if they'll like the person he becomes with those memories. And if he can't return to that life...
—then what's the point in those memories in the first place?
Won't it just upset him, to know of a life he can't return to? Won't it just make things worse? It's not as though his memories will explain everything about him, no matter how many times he's desperately convinced himself of that. He clung to it because it was the only possible explanation, the only possible way forward. But here, now, with people who care about Zvei, who don't need him to explain why he's like this—]
I'm not going anywhere. [Desperate, now; a promise, an oath, a plea to himself to please, please listen—] I want to be right here. I want you, Amaya, I... There isn't anything I want more.
[...The realization that those words may actually be completely honest is chilling.]
no subject
She's left wondering, for a moment, what she can do. Why he brings up Aelios again, even though he can't go back. She's not going to let him, and frankly he shouldn't, he deserves this chance to life as he sees fit and--
...
Oh. Maybe Amaya is wrong about this, but...oh, come on Zvei, can she hug you--]
...Zvei, please know that I do not doubt your promise to me. Not the weight, nor the devotion of said promise; I have not doubted it now, and I will not. You will not lose me. I...want you too, Zvei.
But...you're distressed. I've only seen you so distressed earlier, when we misunderstood one another--what's wrong?
no subject
But she brings up a good point - Amaya doesn't know what's going on inside his head. She doesn't know why he's reacting like this, and it's only fair to explain it to her. But how does he do that? How does he even begin addressing any of this? He'd rather not - he'd rather just forget all about this and go back to thinking about Seymour's arrival or focusing on the exhibits in the museum or doing literally anything else—
But he has to try. She'll worry about him even more if he doesn't.]
...What if I'm wrong? What if all of this - all the work I've done for the past seven years - what if I turn my back on it? What if I decide to be "Zvei" and not pursue the past any further? I can't... I can't just let it go...
[—can I?]
no subject
There's no good answer for this, Amaya is finding. But she threads a hand into his hair, gently, and she speaks softly.]
Zvei. That is a choice you must make for yourself; you know how I feel about the agency of others. I will not try to direct you one way or another, of this I promise.
But allow me to ask you something. What would make you happiest? Going back to a life you do not know, but that will explain everything of you...or embracing the life you have made now, finding out who "Zvei" is deep down, and embracing him instead?
Most people, from what I am to understand...they live their lives simply poking and prodding all that they can, in order to find out who they are. It is what makes people such...rich tapestries; that journey into the unknown, and finding out who they are only at the end of that road.
...And I know not a concrete answer, unfortunately. But what I do know is this; that I intend to stay by you, regardless of your decision. If you pursue these memories to the end of the earth, I'll tear Madide asunder again to help you. If you decide to live your life now, as "Zvei" forevermore, I will embrace you with my whole heart.
[...]
If you're wrong, then it doesn't have to be the end. It can be a new beginning, a rebirth all it's own if you wish.
Because...I do think there's plenty of merit in the "Zvei" I have seen; the person I love, so very dearly.
1/2
The fact that there isn't one clear-cut, obviously correct choice is already a damnation in and of itself. How does he live with doubt, when his entire remembered life has been tirelessly working towards that one singular goal?
What would make you happiest? She asks, like he could have an answer to that. He doesn't know. The things that have made him happy here are the people, and being accepted by them. "Zvei" has them, but his (true?) self does not. Maybe they wouldn't leave. Maybe everything would still work out just fine. But what if the puzzle pieces no longer fit together, and he's changed too much?
But on the flip side of that, is he truly fine being "Zvei", when he's spent the past seven years desperately trying to find his memories to escape "Zvei"?]
...Even knowing all of my flaws, you'd say that?
[It's not that he doubted her confession earlier. It's just... he needs to hear it. He needs to hear that Zvei means the world to her, because that's—]
Even if I never change, never am able to do any better... Even if I always struggle with feelings and empathy and understanding others... You'll still love me?
2/2
That's a stupid question, isn't it?
[It's obvious that he's laughing now; soft, and somewhere between deeply amused and wry.]
Because I love you just as you are. I wouldn't care if you never change. I love the Amaya before me, and that's not changing, no matter what. That's how you feel about me, isn't it?
I just want you to be as happy as you can be. That's what you want for me as well, right? Wherever that ends up taking me.
no subject
...It's a little more awkward when she does it, but that first part gets an easy answer.]
Of course I will. You mean so very much to me, and you...
[But then Zvei speaks again, and he may as well have just struck her directly in the heart with how direct it is. Hearing him direct those words towards her when she doesn't entirely know if she deserves them is...
It makes Amaya's heart beat, and the idea that he could love her even without improvements, even without the ability to smile or feel anything positive towards him--she doesn't doubt him for a moment, she never has. For as smarmy and strangely distant despite his open smiles and words as he's seemed, he's given her all of his honesty. She doesn't doubt his words for a moment, and perhaps that's what's making this so nice.
What a beautiful thought.]
...Yes. That is exactly it, in fact; I love you no matter what form you take, because at the end of the day, you are still you. You are still the man I would gladly talk with about even the most inane of things, the one I would trust by my side as much as Aneirin, the one I would adore above all others.
To hear that you think the same of me is...not shocking, but it brings a strange feeling with it that I cannot identify. I want to cherish it, like I cherish you.
Even if nothing changes about you...I'd let the world burn before I see you hurt.
no subject
You really do say the most wonderful things to me.
[This might be considered sarcasm, but he says it 100% straight. He thinks it is very sexy of her to let the world burn tbh!!!!]
It's something I'm going to have to consider further before I can safely arrive at an answer for what I'll do going forward. But... hearing this does help tremendously. It's strange, in all these years I've been pursuing my memories, I rarely ever stopped to think about what else I'd want out of life.
[He grins, tiny fangs visible.]
But I've definitely found it. I've found you.
no subject
Goodness. You make me sound like a treasure that you've been looking for, for so long...
[...]
I...like it. Being considered so precious to you, as to be...something else you find enjoyable, in this life of yours. It...means, very much to me to hear that...
[This feels...different, to the kind of flustered she'd usually get around Zvei, honestly. Not quite as denial heavy, but still, so embarrassing...]
But I am...glad, to be of assistance to you. Please know that much, no matter the path you choose.
no subject
Because you are.
[He says, without even a hint of embarrassment or hesitation.]
For the first time... I feel like it's actually alright to just be "Zvei", because "Zvei" is someone so precious to you. It's more than I ever could have asked for, and yet it's also everything I've ever needed.
I'll figure out what I want to do going forward, but no matter what... I want you right here by my side. I don't know what I'd do without you, truly.
no subject
Amaya's just going to use one of her hands to try and hide the bottom half of her face a bit??? It's fine, this is all fine--]
...Likewise, honestly. I had been so lost without you before, even if I did want to move forward...having you here and by my side means more than the entire world to me, Zvei. Even more than I could have expected myself capable of, truly.
[...]
You...really are positively beautiful like this, I must confess. You're practically radiant.
no subject
A testament to your influence! I didn't think I could feel this way before I met you. And yet here we are.
[There's still the concern of what will happen in the future. Will he continue to feel this radiant? Most of his emotions dull quickly with time, but he hopes this one doesn't. He never wants to feel any other way ever again.]
I'm glad though. That I can return the favor - that I can do so much for you as well, Amaya.
no subject
...Believe me when I say the feeling is mutual. It is...a feeling I have long denied, due to everything about me. I imagined that no one would want to deal with such a thing, when most days I feel I barely even count as an adjusted human being. If I could not even love myself, how could I love another?
But it's very simple, truly. I...wish I had realized that a long time ago, but finding it here and now with you...it...is so very nice.
[Still, Amaya's gaze goes back to Zvei's lips and she finds herself shy all of a sudden. Of course her boldness would escape like some kind of myth now--]
...Do you...mind if we kiss again? I want to keep enjoying this moment, before everyone else's arrival. I...want to feel that light haziness and simply stay close like that again, if you'll have me.
May we...?
no subject
[It's a soft reprimand, a reminder that she matters to him at the very least, and he won't hear her put herself down like that. She likely feels the same about him as well, which means he'll need to be a bit more careful with how he refers to himself... But it's a worthy price to pay. He understands exactly what she's saying - how could he love someone who barely even exists, let alone understand how to give that love away?
And yet here they are. They'll fumble through this together, just as they have everything else here.]
Of course I don't mind! We can stay right here, just like this.
[And then he (thankfully) shuts up in favor of kissing Amaya again.]