...Or is it that you truly don't feel that way at all?
She really didn't expect him to manage that conclusion so easily, but--how annoying. How annoying it is to be unmasked by the most airheaded idiot savant among them, apparently. Amaya tenses, briefly, her brows knitting the slightest bit, but...
Well, there's no sense in hiding it, she supposes. Her look neutralizes just a little too quickly at that, her yellow eyes staring right at Zvei; cold and dead and blank.]
I do not. [That could easily be the answer to both questions. In a way, it sort of is, but...Amaya finds herself speaking despite the warning signs in her mind.] I don't...feel much of anything, if I may be candid with you. Such things are lost to me; most...entirely.
I try to do my best to act as I feel a normal person should, regardless.
[She has no reason to lie to him, when it paints her in such a dismal light. He'd know that better than anyone else. How often did he receive stares of disgust, fear, or concern when he voiced the truth? It took him far too long to learn to cover it. To find a kindred spirit here, of all places...]
Well, you aren't the only one. Like recognizes like, they say.
[There's hardly any harm in admitting it. Better to be honest about it than have her questioning his intentions for prying.]
Though make no mistake, much of my curiosity is genuine. It's the only thing I truly can feel. Perhaps the only thing that gives me reason to keep going, even.
[That's not true, but there's no need to get into that right now.]
[She doesn't like admitting it. It feels like painting a target on her back, or like trusting someone who isn't Aneirin. Someone who isn't using her like she uses them, someone who doesn't have a reason to keep this a secret. To keep her around, really. Or well...so it initially seems.
Amaya listens, though, her expression...a little surprised, though only briefly. Perhaps surprisingly, this explains a lot about him.]
...I see. Your curiosity is like a driving little spark, and the thing that propels you forward... [Amaya regards Zvei curiously, electing to get off of the door frame and look at him from the kitchen proper. Dull, but staring right at him as intensely as ever. The closest thing to intrigue she can express.] I wish I had something like that, truth be told. I am driven only because I have to be, myself. It is expected of a leader, and thus I try to imitate such things.
So it is. I'll continue to pursue it no matter what that end may look like.
[...He isn't talking about his research.]
But tell me, [the momentary intensity fades in favor of his usual relaxed demeanor,] you're a leader? It's a good reason to keep going - perhaps a more noble one, even. For the good of the people, and all that.
[He waves a hand airily. No sense in pretending he cares about any such thing, after all.]
...I do hope you find what you are hoping for, at the end of your road. For what little it's worth.
[What a nice feeling that sounds like. Strangely intense, but well. If he falls into a stupid rabbit hole of his own making, that's his own damn fault.
Still, he...it's strange, the way the disregard for the common man feels the more she thinks about it. She elects not to; it's not something she wants to address now, but...well, with that same neutral gaze, but a little bit more of that piercing stare, she speaks.]
I am, indeed. The people of Fefello Caelum...I've an obligation to them. To do right by them and keep them safe, as they do for me and my... [...what does she even call Aneirin...] ...I believe the word most people use is 'retainer'? He is the one who found me alone, fifteen years ago; I owe him my life.
But I digress. I have an obligation to my people to keep them safe from forces that would see them harmed. I will keep them safe at all costs, even if I do not feel much of anything.
[I hope so too, he thinks, but chooses not to say. Because any other ending won't be acceptable.]
Ah, how interesting! How did you end up in a position of leadership, if I may ask? What binds you to them? Surely they could either take care of themselves or rely on another leader, if you truly wanted to leave?
[It's not a pointed question; it's clarification because Zvei can't possibly understand the desire to look out for someone else. Hell, he can barely muster the desire to look out for himself most days.]
[Why is she trusting him. Why is she even letting him know this information? She doesn't know. She'd usually never volunteer this much. The Dragon should be chiding her right now but she's been...oddly silent. It should be good news that she's gone, and it isn't, but...
Well. Maybe there's something to what he said. Like recognizes like, was it?]
You see, most of Fefello Caelum's people are the rejected of the other lands of Quercetem. Defectors of the Oasis and it's Emperor. People who cannot thrive in the lawless land of Pravitas. People from all walks of life from Quercetem, and sometimes even beyond it. Most do not have the means to protect themselves, given that monsters and other beings, both humanlike and distinctly not, populate the land around Quercetem. I wager humans are outpopulated three to one, though you would have to ask scholars around Quercetem for accurate numbers; all I have are estimations.
And most of them are incapable of defending themselves, though some have learned.
[...]
Frankly, they all just threw themselves on my doorstep over time. Seeking someone to rally behind, who could protect them.
[And despite that muted calm she still speaks with, there's something else running as an undercurrent in her tone. Still muted, though more intentionally stamped down; bitterness.]
[Fascinating. A woman who took a leadership role because others needed protection, who works for them not because she wants to, but because someone has to. And that bitterness - ah, what must it be like to feel that way? To feel resentment toward others for using you for their own safety? To be relied on so... he can scarcely imagine it.]
And I take it you don't want to leave? It sounds like a rather cruel fate, to be forced to look after those who can't look out for themselves. But then, I've never been particularly good at getting close to others.
[Fiona springs to mind immediately. How she stormed her way through every single wall he put up to try to dissuade her because she was so unpredictable and determined to see him as a person and not a researcher - and look what good that did her. People aren't supposed to get close to someone like him.
Is it the same for Amaya, he wonders... or is she truly trying to be - and do - better than her apathy would allow?]
[It's bitter, it's derisive, it's...surprisingly not aimed at Zvei and his own apathetic picking apart of her stance; on at least some level, he gets it. On at least some level, he knows this isn't a choice of hers, and knows more explicitly now. And she...
She isn't sure, why this is. But he doesn't look at her with pity, or try to say that she can get better.]
But it is an obligation I must take upon myself. My father ruined the land a long time ago; his machinations are at least half of the reason that Quercetem is as fractured as it is. In a way, it is...more of a penance, than anything.
[...]
I am not very good at doing that either, truly. Most...friends, so to speak, are only so because they have forced their way into my life. My retainer is the only one I may be willing to call a genuine one, but we both have a use for one another. It makes more sense.
[But then, of course he doesn't. Why would he, when so much of his (fractured) life has involved struggling to reclaim what he lost? Why bother with things like morals and punishment when he barely even has a life to live in the first place? A fascinating but alien mindset, one he's not sure he could fully understand even if she were to explain it. The sins of the father are those she's taking as her own, for whatever reason. It's explanation enough for why she feels she can't leave.
But that question, coupled with what he was just thinking...]
Someone tried, once.
[Fiona's bright, bubbly laughter. Her vibrant and easy to read and understand emotions. Her straightforward manner of speaking. Her eagerness to help and explain things in words he'd understand. Her never-ending optimism and hope that things would work out. She was so, so stupid.
She'd been the one to stand up to him first. She'd looked at him not with anger or betrayal or hurt, but with sadness. He's not sure whether it was his will or the Aeli's that pierced her straight through.
It ultimately doesn't really matter.]
I don't think anyone else will make that mistake again.
[There is no expression on his face. There is no emotion in his words. It is what it is.]
[But for what little it's worth, Amaya does listen. She can't help but be reminded of someone long past, as she tries to think about the sort of person who would befriend him. Or at least try to. Someone overly optimistic, maybe.
...
Her gaze goes a little distant at the thought, to memories she had long left behind. They served no purpose now, what with the girl in question being dead and gone, but...]
...I wish it were the same for me. I've heard some inane things, you know, from them. That it's okay to be who I am. That I'm not broken, I just need a helping hand. That I can do better. That my demeanor is nothing that can't be improved with practice and intention.
[Bitter, bitter, bitter, the nastiness is tempered down a little by Amaya's own force and her inability to express it, but oh.]
[He lifts his shoulders a bit to the first part; she's right, after all. No offense taken.
It's the latter that gets a soft laugh. There's nothing bitter in it, but it's far from amused.]
I can't say I envy you. Everyone I've told has looked at me strangely - given me space or turned their back on me, because they don't even try to understand. She was the only one who tried without judgment. Everyone else finds it off-putting. For good reason; I can't truly blame them.
[It's like living in completely separate realities. They'll never see and understand the world the same way he does, and that's... well, it's not fine, but it has to be. For now. Someday that'll change. Someday the world will make sense.]
I've never met someone else with a similar issue. To be honest, I thought it was just a "me" problem.
...Likewise. Most are simply not keen to say it to my face, because they think I am like other leaders of the various territories in Quercetem. That I, of all people, have a commanding presence...truly, it's something that shocks even me.
It is an image that serves me, however, alongside my reputation.
[As for what that is, she's not quite inclined to say yet. But she does look to him properly, though without pity in the slightest. It really is strange, she has to admit. She knows that hers is just a toll placed on her, but to hear that from him...]
All be told...nor have I. My situation is a little unique, in that regard but...it is strange, to know that someone else faces this issue.
...It is not unwelcome, however, to...know someone else faces it.
[Well, regardless of if she wishes to clarify or not, he's content to move on.]
It's something of a relief, really. Even though our situations may not be comparable, having someone else who understands is more than good enough. I don't mind pretending, but it does get a little dull after awhile.
[Though where "Zvei, the act" stops and "Zvei, the person" begins isn't nearly as clear-cut as it once was. Oh well, that doesn't particularly matter.]
That makes two of us. I usually do not get the option to not 'pretend'. Aneirin will worry, but he'll at least eat any of the negativity that remains to sustain himself. And anyone else will just give me a look that implies they pity me.
[It doesn't matter, at least. How strange it is, to feel so free in this moment.]
...Should our stay somehow be extended, you may seek me out anytime you wish. I always offer confession to those lost, because I can offer them a truly neutral ear to speak to. I shall offer that to you, as well.
[...Still...]
My reputation, however...it is akin to something of a monster, I suppose I can say. To something feared and reviled, by a good portion of Quercetem's population.
I do not mind it. It keeps inane problems out of our territory.
Remind me to ask you more about this "Aneirin" later.
[Eating her negativity...? That sounds fascinating. But he's trying not to get too distracted here!!]
I do appreciate the offer, miss Amaya. I'll likely take you up on it.
[No judgement. What a truly baffling idea. But given what he now knows about her, it's certainly very possible she wouldn't judge. Judging requires actually caring, after all.]
Are you? How curious. You've been nothing but polite and reasonable. Why, you even look fully human! How did you end up with a reputation like that?
[She doesn't have any problem talking about Aneirin, really. Confused by him, and eternally so. But he's easy to talk about. She tips her head a bit when he says he'll take her up on that offer, acknowledging that, but the rest...]
...I... [...] Well, it's a moot point, here. But I have something sealed within my body, that was once a creature who attempted to end the world I come from. A terrifying dragon that sought to end all human life as one would know it.
She's still feared, to this day. It is a fact that make people fear me to a certain extent. Hate me, in others.
[Zvei adjusts his monocle, mismatched eyes wide with delight at the unknown. From what he can gather, their worlds don't work the same way, meaning there's so much about this he can't even begin to fathom - and that's considering that such a thing would most likely be entirely impossible in Aelios anyway.]
I suppose I can see the merit in their fear. How exactly did you end up with her inside you? Was this some sort of binding ritual to stop her?
...Somehow, I didn't expect you to say that. My mistake.
[It's neutral as ever, almost a touch wry, but it's very notably not derisive in the slightest surprisingly.
As for that question...Amaya pauses a bit, considering. There's...much to this story, admittedly, and she's already told so much to a stranger. A stranger who gets what she is, admittedly, but...]
...It is a bit of a long story, my child. But I can sum it up as this; my father was the one who gave her the means to attempt to destroy our world. and I...was made to pay for her failure to do so.
[Religious connotations go straight over his head because he has met all of like one (1) religious person, whoops.]
Ah, I see, so this is a part of penance for what your father did... or rather, a part you had no say in, I assume.
[How dreadful, to be used as a tool by so many people. What's it like, he wonders. Sure, he was used for his knowledge, but he was using Ruby Dawn as well. That's the way of the world - use and be used. But to exclusively be used by others, all while giving back to the community only because you feel you must to atone for someone else's sins... Truly, it's beyond comprehension. But that's what makes it so interesting.]
...You are possibly the third to mention that. It is...well. It seems like it is an unfortunate verbal tic I have picked up from my father; is it truly that unusual to hear...?
[She genuinely sounds curious and...confused. She thought all leaders did that? ...Maybe not Princess Maribel, but--
Amaya does nod, when he says that much. She's thankful for the lack of pity, at least.]
You would be correct. She made the choice for me, in that regard, and I...simply try to do all that I can to live in defiance of her wishes. I know not if I do a good job at it, but it does not matter.
For those sins...I will atone my whole life, for them.
Yes...? Perhaps it's more commonplace where you're from, though?
[But anyway. The more pressing thing is Amaya's next words which are truly baffling. The thought of atoning for anything is foreign as hell to him to begin with, but spending your whole life atoning for something someone else did?]
...Why? To what end? It doesn't sound like any of this was your fault - and even if it somehow was, what would atoning change? Penance can't undo the past.
[Still no judgment on her decision, just confusion.]
[It isn't sharp, when she corrects him; perhaps it lends credence to the fact that she isn't telling the whole truth of the situation, but...
Penance can't undo the past.
She knows. She knows damn well that it's true. Amaya has known this for a damn long time, that all she's doing is putting a bandaid over the big gaping wound over Quercetem that the Dragon's influence left behind. The idea that no matter what she might do, that it will never be enough to earn forgiveness, to earn some sort of better life, to earn something better that she never had the opportunity for is...]
But I...want to be better, even if I cannot feel it. I want to prove to myself that I can do better, if I put my nose to the grindstone. I will be better than their thoughts. I will be better than their assumptions and their wishes for my blood.
And I will be better than her wishes that I simply fall for the same tricks my father did.
[There's a surprising amount of intensity to her tone when she says all of that; driven, though lifeless. Determined, yet devoid of passion. As if all that exists is a perfectly white line, a path forward, and Amaya will tread that path with no hesitation.]
Even if it changes nothing, I...perhaps long to spite those people.
[Even with it laid out in such an obvious way, Zvei doesn't understand. He can follow each point and see where it connects, but somewhere along the way it goes from something comprehensible to something beyond his understanding. Maybe it's the fact that he couldn't care less about what other people think of him. Maybe it's that his own goal is entirely selfish and self-centered. Maybe it's that he's never really cared about anyone around him to begin with. Or maybe it's that the bitterness and spite that drives her is foreign to him as well, because he's never really had it in him to be angry at anyone else. Doing better - for her own sake - is something he can almost grasp, but the fact that it still is beyond him agitates him.
How can someone with similar issues end up so completely different?]
I won't pretend I understand, because frankly, I don't. But having some sort of motivation is the important part, I think. If that's what you want to do, then do all you can to achieve it. Spite those who thought less of you; become better than they ever could have dreamed of.
[She doesn't need him to say it, but he does anyway.]
[...It's strangely empty feeling, to hear him say that much to her, even with the caveats. Maybe if she could feel anything at all, she could smile. She could thank him, sincerely, maybe. The Dragon is gone from her and she still can't feel anything.
It's...strange, though Amaya ends up neutralizing. Going back to her normal and tipping her head at Zvei's words.]
...Thank you. [It's as neutral as ever, though something in her gaze has softened a fraction. That will have to be good enough.] I have found it...hard, to have motivation after my Father died; I lived under him for most of my life, before Aneirin found me and took me in. To live on my own terms is a new experience. One I have to keep finding that motivation for.
But so long as I live, I intend to keep seizing it.
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necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
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...Or is it that you truly don't feel that way at all?
She really didn't expect him to manage that conclusion so easily, but--how annoying. How annoying it is to be unmasked by the most airheaded idiot savant among them, apparently. Amaya tenses, briefly, her brows knitting the slightest bit, but...
Well, there's no sense in hiding it, she supposes. Her look neutralizes just a little too quickly at that, her yellow eyes staring right at Zvei; cold and dead and blank.]
I do not. [That could easily be the answer to both questions. In a way, it sort of is, but...Amaya finds herself speaking despite the warning signs in her mind.] I don't...feel much of anything, if I may be candid with you. Such things are lost to me; most...entirely.
I try to do my best to act as I feel a normal person should, regardless.
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[She has no reason to lie to him, when it paints her in such a dismal light. He'd know that better than anyone else. How often did he receive stares of disgust, fear, or concern when he voiced the truth? It took him far too long to learn to cover it. To find a kindred spirit here, of all places...]
Well, you aren't the only one. Like recognizes like, they say.
[There's hardly any harm in admitting it. Better to be honest about it than have her questioning his intentions for prying.]
Though make no mistake, much of my curiosity is genuine. It's the only thing I truly can feel. Perhaps the only thing that gives me reason to keep going, even.
[That's not true, but there's no need to get into that right now.]
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[She doesn't like admitting it. It feels like painting a target on her back, or like trusting someone who isn't Aneirin. Someone who isn't using her like she uses them, someone who doesn't have a reason to keep this a secret. To keep her around, really. Or well...so it initially seems.
Amaya listens, though, her expression...a little surprised, though only briefly. Perhaps surprisingly, this explains a lot about him.]
...I see. Your curiosity is like a driving little spark, and the thing that propels you forward... [Amaya regards Zvei curiously, electing to get off of the door frame and look at him from the kitchen proper. Dull, but staring right at him as intensely as ever. The closest thing to intrigue she can express.] I wish I had something like that, truth be told. I am driven only because I have to be, myself. It is expected of a leader, and thus I try to imitate such things.
...This is why you fell into research, isn't it?
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[...He isn't talking about his research.]
But tell me, [the momentary intensity fades in favor of his usual relaxed demeanor,] you're a leader? It's a good reason to keep going - perhaps a more noble one, even. For the good of the people, and all that.
[He waves a hand airily. No sense in pretending he cares about any such thing, after all.]
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[What a nice feeling that sounds like. Strangely intense, but well. If he falls into a stupid rabbit hole of his own making, that's his own damn fault.
Still, he...it's strange, the way the disregard for the common man feels the more she thinks about it. She elects not to; it's not something she wants to address now, but...well, with that same neutral gaze, but a little bit more of that piercing stare, she speaks.]
I am, indeed. The people of Fefello Caelum...I've an obligation to them. To do right by them and keep them safe, as they do for me and my... [...what does she even call Aneirin...] ...I believe the word most people use is 'retainer'? He is the one who found me alone, fifteen years ago; I owe him my life.
But I digress. I have an obligation to my people to keep them safe from forces that would see them harmed. I will keep them safe at all costs, even if I do not feel much of anything.
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Ah, how interesting! How did you end up in a position of leadership, if I may ask? What binds you to them? Surely they could either take care of themselves or rely on another leader, if you truly wanted to leave?
[It's not a pointed question; it's clarification because Zvei can't possibly understand the desire to look out for someone else. Hell, he can barely muster the desire to look out for himself most days.]
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[Why is she trusting him. Why is she even letting him know this information? She doesn't know. She'd usually never volunteer this much. The Dragon should be chiding her right now but she's been...oddly silent. It should be good news that she's gone, and it isn't, but...
Well. Maybe there's something to what he said. Like recognizes like, was it?]
You see, most of Fefello Caelum's people are the rejected of the other lands of Quercetem. Defectors of the Oasis and it's Emperor. People who cannot thrive in the lawless land of Pravitas. People from all walks of life from Quercetem, and sometimes even beyond it. Most do not have the means to protect themselves, given that monsters and other beings, both humanlike and distinctly not, populate the land around Quercetem. I wager humans are outpopulated three to one, though you would have to ask scholars around Quercetem for accurate numbers; all I have are estimations.
And most of them are incapable of defending themselves, though some have learned.
[...]
Frankly, they all just threw themselves on my doorstep over time. Seeking someone to rally behind, who could protect them.
[And despite that muted calm she still speaks with, there's something else running as an undercurrent in her tone. Still muted, though more intentionally stamped down; bitterness.]
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And I take it you don't want to leave? It sounds like a rather cruel fate, to be forced to look after those who can't look out for themselves. But then, I've never been particularly good at getting close to others.
[Fiona springs to mind immediately. How she stormed her way through every single wall he put up to try to dissuade her because she was so unpredictable and determined to see him as a person and not a researcher - and look what good that did her. People aren't supposed to get close to someone like him.
Is it the same for Amaya, he wonders... or is she truly trying to be - and do - better than her apathy would allow?]
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[It's bitter, it's derisive, it's...surprisingly not aimed at Zvei and his own apathetic picking apart of her stance; on at least some level, he gets it. On at least some level, he knows this isn't a choice of hers, and knows more explicitly now. And she...
She isn't sure, why this is. But he doesn't look at her with pity, or try to say that she can get better.]
But it is an obligation I must take upon myself. My father ruined the land a long time ago; his machinations are at least half of the reason that Quercetem is as fractured as it is. In a way, it is...more of a penance, than anything.
[...]
I am not very good at doing that either, truly. Most...friends, so to speak, are only so because they have forced their way into my life. My retainer is the only one I may be willing to call a genuine one, but we both have a use for one another. It makes more sense.
Have others tried, for you?
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[But then, of course he doesn't. Why would he, when so much of his (fractured) life has involved struggling to reclaim what he lost? Why bother with things like morals and punishment when he barely even has a life to live in the first place? A fascinating but alien mindset, one he's not sure he could fully understand even if she were to explain it. The sins of the father are those she's taking as her own, for whatever reason. It's explanation enough for why she feels she can't leave.
But that question, coupled with what he was just thinking...]
Someone tried, once.
[Fiona's bright, bubbly laughter. Her vibrant and easy to read and understand emotions. Her straightforward manner of speaking. Her eagerness to help and explain things in words he'd understand. Her never-ending optimism and hope that things would work out. She was so, so stupid.
She'd been the one to stand up to him first. She'd looked at him not with anger or betrayal or hurt, but with sadness. He's not sure whether it was his will or the Aeli's that pierced her straight through.
It ultimately doesn't really matter.]
I don't think anyone else will make that mistake again.
[There is no expression on his face. There is no emotion in his words. It is what it is.]
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[But for what little it's worth, Amaya does listen. She can't help but be reminded of someone long past, as she tries to think about the sort of person who would befriend him. Or at least try to. Someone overly optimistic, maybe.
...
Her gaze goes a little distant at the thought, to memories she had long left behind. They served no purpose now, what with the girl in question being dead and gone, but...]
...I wish it were the same for me. I've heard some inane things, you know, from them. That it's okay to be who I am. That I'm not broken, I just need a helping hand. That I can do better. That my demeanor is nothing that can't be improved with practice and intention.
[Bitter, bitter, bitter, the nastiness is tempered down a little by Amaya's own force and her inability to express it, but oh.]
Does it feel almost mocking, for you as well?
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It's the latter that gets a soft laugh. There's nothing bitter in it, but it's far from amused.]
I can't say I envy you. Everyone I've told has looked at me strangely - given me space or turned their back on me, because they don't even try to understand. She was the only one who tried without judgment. Everyone else finds it off-putting. For good reason; I can't truly blame them.
[It's like living in completely separate realities. They'll never see and understand the world the same way he does, and that's... well, it's not fine, but it has to be. For now. Someday that'll change. Someday the world will make sense.]
I've never met someone else with a similar issue. To be honest, I thought it was just a "me" problem.
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It is an image that serves me, however, alongside my reputation.
[As for what that is, she's not quite inclined to say yet. But she does look to him properly, though without pity in the slightest. It really is strange, she has to admit. She knows that hers is just a toll placed on her, but to hear that from him...]
All be told...nor have I. My situation is a little unique, in that regard but...it is strange, to know that someone else faces this issue.
...It is not unwelcome, however, to...know someone else faces it.
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[Well, regardless of if she wishes to clarify or not, he's content to move on.]
It's something of a relief, really. Even though our situations may not be comparable, having someone else who understands is more than good enough. I don't mind pretending, but it does get a little dull after awhile.
[Though where "Zvei, the act" stops and "Zvei, the person" begins isn't nearly as clear-cut as it once was. Oh well, that doesn't particularly matter.]
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[It doesn't matter, at least. How strange it is, to feel so free in this moment.]
...Should our stay somehow be extended, you may seek me out anytime you wish. I always offer confession to those lost, because I can offer them a truly neutral ear to speak to. I shall offer that to you, as well.
[...Still...]
My reputation, however...it is akin to something of a monster, I suppose I can say. To something feared and reviled, by a good portion of Quercetem's population.
I do not mind it. It keeps inane problems out of our territory.
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[Eating her negativity...? That sounds fascinating. But he's trying not to get too distracted here!!]
I do appreciate the offer, miss Amaya. I'll likely take you up on it.
[No judgement. What a truly baffling idea. But given what he now knows about her, it's certainly very possible she wouldn't judge. Judging requires actually caring, after all.]
Are you? How curious. You've been nothing but polite and reasonable. Why, you even look fully human! How did you end up with a reputation like that?
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[She doesn't have any problem talking about Aneirin, really. Confused by him, and eternally so. But he's easy to talk about. She tips her head a bit when he says he'll take her up on that offer, acknowledging that, but the rest...]
...I... [...] Well, it's a moot point, here. But I have something sealed within my body, that was once a creature who attempted to end the world I come from. A terrifying dragon that sought to end all human life as one would know it.
She's still feared, to this day. It is a fact that make people fear me to a certain extent. Hate me, in others.
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[Zvei adjusts his monocle, mismatched eyes wide with delight at the unknown. From what he can gather, their worlds don't work the same way, meaning there's so much about this he can't even begin to fathom - and that's considering that such a thing would most likely be entirely impossible in Aelios anyway.]
I suppose I can see the merit in their fear. How exactly did you end up with her inside you? Was this some sort of binding ritual to stop her?
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[It's neutral as ever, almost a touch wry, but it's very notably not derisive in the slightest surprisingly.
As for that question...Amaya pauses a bit, considering. There's...much to this story, admittedly, and she's already told so much to a stranger. A stranger who gets what she is, admittedly, but...]
...It is a bit of a long story, my child. But I can sum it up as this; my father was the one who gave her the means to attempt to destroy our world. and I...was made to pay for her failure to do so.
[...It's a half truth, at least--]
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[Religious connotations go straight over his head because he has met all of like one (1) religious person, whoops.]
Ah, I see, so this is a part of penance for what your father did... or rather, a part you had no say in, I assume.
[How dreadful, to be used as a tool by so many people. What's it like, he wonders. Sure, he was used for his knowledge, but he was using Ruby Dawn as well. That's the way of the world - use and be used. But to exclusively be used by others, all while giving back to the community only because you feel you must to atone for someone else's sins... Truly, it's beyond comprehension. But that's what makes it so interesting.]
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[She genuinely sounds curious and...confused. She thought all leaders did that? ...Maybe not Princess Maribel, but--
Amaya does nod, when he says that much. She's thankful for the lack of pity, at least.]
You would be correct. She made the choice for me, in that regard, and I...simply try to do all that I can to live in defiance of her wishes. I know not if I do a good job at it, but it does not matter.
For those sins...I will atone my whole life, for them.
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[But anyway. The more pressing thing is Amaya's next words which are truly baffling. The thought of atoning for anything is foreign as hell to him to begin with, but spending your whole life atoning for something someone else did?]
...Why? To what end? It doesn't sound like any of this was your fault - and even if it somehow was, what would atoning change? Penance can't undo the past.
[Still no judgment on her decision, just confusion.]
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[It isn't sharp, when she corrects him; perhaps it lends credence to the fact that she isn't telling the whole truth of the situation, but...
Penance can't undo the past.
She knows. She knows damn well that it's true. Amaya has known this for a damn long time, that all she's doing is putting a bandaid over the big gaping wound over Quercetem that the Dragon's influence left behind. The idea that no matter what she might do, that it will never be enough to earn forgiveness, to earn some sort of better life, to earn something better that she never had the opportunity for is...]
But I...want to be better, even if I cannot feel it. I want to prove to myself that I can do better, if I put my nose to the grindstone. I will be better than their thoughts. I will be better than their assumptions and their wishes for my blood.
And I will be better than her wishes that I simply fall for the same tricks my father did.
[There's a surprising amount of intensity to her tone when she says all of that; driven, though lifeless. Determined, yet devoid of passion. As if all that exists is a perfectly white line, a path forward, and Amaya will tread that path with no hesitation.]
Even if it changes nothing, I...perhaps long to spite those people.
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How can someone with similar issues end up so completely different?]
I won't pretend I understand, because frankly, I don't. But having some sort of motivation is the important part, I think. If that's what you want to do, then do all you can to achieve it. Spite those who thought less of you; become better than they ever could have dreamed of.
[She doesn't need him to say it, but he does anyway.]
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[...It's strangely empty feeling, to hear him say that much to her, even with the caveats. Maybe if she could feel anything at all, she could smile. She could thank him, sincerely, maybe. The Dragon is gone from her and she still can't feel anything.
It's...strange, though Amaya ends up neutralizing. Going back to her normal and tipping her head at Zvei's words.]
...Thank you. [It's as neutral as ever, though something in her gaze has softened a fraction. That will have to be good enough.] I have found it...hard, to have motivation after my Father died; I lived under him for most of my life, before Aneirin found me and took me in. To live on my own terms is a new experience. One I have to keep finding that motivation for.
But so long as I live, I intend to keep seizing it.
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