[Amaya has neatly laid all the pieces of this puzzle out for him. He can see their edges and how some fit together, but somehow, the pieces don't fit neatly into one picture. He's missing something. He's missing something, or maybe they're pieces to multiple separate pictures and he can't see it, and either way the end result is that he's still just as confused, because he's not really seeing a problem here.]
But I didn't mind it?
[It's the first thing out of his mouth, because that seems to be what this is hinging on. That she made a mistake by kissing him on the forehead, and he can't think of it as such. His own thoughts that followed were the mistakes, not her action.]
I don't... really understand affection. [Let's start there, back up a bit.] I was subjected to such things, occasionally. But before Yuki became sick, I had very little experience with them. In fact, I didn't like them much at all. I didn't want others in my space or touching me, with only one exception.
[And then Yuki slowly worked his way into Zvei's bubble, and now here he is, a socialized feral cat!]
So I apologize for not understanding, but I'm... not following. You're afraid that this action says something you didn't want it to say?
[It's like speaking a language you're only just learning with someone who's fluent - there are pieces you can grasp, but not the whole. The intricacies are just outside of his reach, and it's frustrating to not understand what's causing her distress, when she seems to think it's her own fault, somehow.]
[...Right, she forgot for a second that he's even worse at this than she is.]
...You needn't apologize. If anything, I simply shouldn't have done it even as a passing fancy, but I...
[She's quiet once that's out there, not taking her gaze off of him for a moment.]
I am glad you did not mind it. But the best way I can put this is simply; I...wanted to do that, for a reason I do not fully understand. Or at the very least, it does not fit into the neat definitions and feelings that I have tried so hard to understand.
[Ugh. She's just gonna have to come out and say it.]
...I thought I was driving you away, somehow, in doing so; that is the best definition that I can come up with.
And... [...] Maybe I wouldn't mind it, if you got ideas. But I don't think words are going to suffice, so...
Permit me an action, instead, to try and understand this.
[...She's really about to fuckin' do this, isn't she.]
...And if you do not want me to, you need only say the word.
[And that's about all of the warning he gets, before Amaya simply throws caution and subtlety to the wind in it's entirety as she rises up to meet his lips and kiss him. Maybe to find out what she feels towards him; maybe to find out what he feels toward her, but...
It's likely going to be brief, unless he has anything to say about it. Amaya's deeply inexperienced, after all; just full of entirely too much moxie for her own good. But...
...Oh, that emptiness is vast she's feeling.]
1/9 no i'm not joking my only regret is i couldn't find a way to make it 10
[So the problem seems to be that it had some kind of emotional reaction that Amaya is having a problem with. Okay, he can understand that, sometimes his feelings do a weird thing and he just sort of has to Deal, so he can accept that it happened to her. He can also understand where she'd be worried about him trying to leave, and why she assumed it was her fault, because she was already criticizing her own actions. The picture becomes clearer, but it's still a blurry mess that doesn't quite make sense.
He nods at Amaya's words - he trusts her, after all. If she thinks an action will explain this better, then he won't question it and he waits patiently.]
Amaya Sasaki kisses him, Zvei, the mess masquerading as a person desperately clinging to a past he can't remember and unwilling to look toward a future without it.
[That... it doesn't add up. It's the equivalent of Amaya throwing the puzzle out the nearest window and setting the house on fire for good measure. He was the one getting crazy ideas from a gesture of affection that his touch-starved self read too much into, not her? And yet here she is kissing him, believing that this will shed light on the situation instead of just confuse him even more.]
[He shouldn't make assumptions. Assumptions lead to disastrous results, as seen within this very conversation. What he should do is ask her to elaborate in tiny words because maybe then he won't be able to misinterpret things or misunderstand what it is she's trying to say, because he is so tremendously terrible at this.]
[It has been like a solid minute of this. Amaya has probably pulled back. Hell, she might even be getting up to leave at this point because Zvei has been doing the equivalent of staring at calculus this entire time. (Calculus would make more sense and his world probably doesn't even have calculus.)
But the question isn't about his own feelings, for once in his miserable seven years of remembered existence. His own feelings are crystal clear and don't require like seven tags of introspection. He knows exactly how he feels, and it isn't even a question how to react to any of this.
The problem is more with Amaya, and how she might react. After all, she's doing this with him. She has to know the risks of such a thing. She has to know how stupid an idea this is. She has to recognize that he can't give her everything she should have.
But she chose to kiss him anyway, despite this. So maybe he has to be brave about it too.]
[Zvei reaches out for her - for her hand, if she's trying to leave. For her arm, if she's already gotten up. For a way to keep her here - or if she hasn't even tried to leave, to touch the side of her face, because more than anything, he wants to keep her close, to let her know she hasn't made a mistake despite his immensely delayed reaction.
For once, his touch is remarkably gentle - desperate, needy, but not demanding. A question in and of itself, for he doesn't want to take any more from her than he already has.]
[It's rushed, desperate, like he can't get the words out fast enough.]
Please. I don't want to stop. I never want to stop.
[Or— Or she can tell him that she didn't mean it. That he's misinterpreted, that he's wrong, that it was a joke, a cruelty— Anything. He'll accept it. It's her choice to make, not his. He doesn't know how to express himself in words, but maybe... maybe this will be close enough for now.]
[...Zvei seems frozen in place, and for the briefest of moments something in Amaya's heart shatters. Frankly, she didn't think he'd return such a feeling, but at least Amaya knows hers now. There's...of course the problem of the fact that she does have to talk about this eventually, but that can wait. Fuck, she's gotta talk to Seymour about this because it feels clear to her on this end too, and she is not going to take any unnecessary risks with this. No, Zvei clearly doesn't like this, she's clearly fucked up, and Amaya's look shifts to one of outright dejection as she starts to pull away from him.]
...I'm sorry for this. I...the answer is clear to me now, I think, but I apologize if I hurt you in the process. I never wanted to do that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to--
[Amaya starts to back away like she's about to leave, but then he shoots up, the grip on her arm causing her to startle briefly, and...]
[Let me kiss you again, he says in such a rushed manner that it almost feels like a fervent prayer than pleading. For a brief moment, Amaya's stunned and she has to make sure that she's hearing him properly, but the rest of his words cinch it.
He doesn't want this to stop. He wants this, with her of all people. He genuinely wants her, and something about this makes her eyes start to wet with something she doesn't understand. She still feels empty, maybe even a little sad about this, but she feels...relieved, she thinks. Relieved, that he wants this. Relieved that he's asking for this, so she doesn't have to misinterpret anything anymore.
Amaya lets out a breath that she knew damn well she was holding because of this, and she doesn't waste any time.]
...Gods, yes. Believe me when I say that you are not the only one.
[Amaya's heart hammers like a drum in her chest, but he's given her permission. Explicit permission. He wants this, and she does to. It should be a feeling that inspires elation, happiness unending, but it feels empty. It's all gone into the same void that Amaya can't understand, but right now, she doesn't care.
There's a man she wants to kiss, and he's begging her for a round 2. That's enough.
And as Amaya comes back down to let him return that kiss, she throws caution to the wind herself as she pulls him in close, a hand going to the back of his head to thread through his hair as she lets him take the lead this time--even if she's the first to plant their lips back together.
[Amaya doesn't leave, and she agrees - there's nothing left to misinterpret. They both want this. And if they both want it, then does it truly matter if neither of them can experience this in a way that most people can? They're experiencing it in their own way; isn't that good enough?
She kisses him and pulls him close, and this time Zvei's prepared for it. His hands come up to cup her face - gentle, so much gentler than he's ever been before - and he returns that kiss. It's chaste but intense, as so much of what Zvei does is. He wants this. He needs her to know how badly he wants this, and he fears words alone aren't enough.
She may be inexperienced, but she'll learn quickly. Zvei does have experience, though not with this - a kiss not born out of heat-of-the-moment passion, but rather from complicated feelings that don't quite fit together as neatly as he assumes they would in a normal person. Amaya's likely the same way - she can't feel anything positive at all, so what is she feeling right now? Hard to say, and harder to say when neither of them can ask it, because for once they'd rather not be talking.
Zvei doesn't deepen the kiss - not yet, not right now - but that doesn't change the feeling of elation that comes with it. The feeling of finally figuring out the puzzle that is both his own feelings and Amaya's, and realizing that they want the same thing. This too is new and exciting, something else he has yet to learn everything about and something else he wants to study in detail. He won't be satisfied until he knows every damn thing there is to know about Amaya and their relationship and that...
...Is the happiest he's ever been, he thinks.]
you are so valid. one must be in a committed relationship with their bit.
[Zvei cups her face as she cedes control to him, and he's so gentle with her. It's something so small and chaste, but the intensity of it comes through so clearly; something Amaya still can't feel entirely, but it threatens to make her feel some sort of strange, strange thing in her heart. She's a paradox. She can't feel, and yet his devotion, his gentleness, it comes through so clear as he kisses her how badly he wants this.
(How badly she wants this, too, she feels her hands thread into his hair and wind their way in, ever so gentle because the moment is just perfect, and she doesn't want to hurt him. She wants him close. She wants something for herself, just this once, and there's no Dragon in her head to berate her. No Father to force her to kill him. No Aneirin to...well, he'd probably cheer about this, knowing him.
...She can't wait to tell Aneirin about him, she's finding. What a strange, foreign feeling.)
Maybe this vast emptiness is all of the happiness she cannot feel. She doesn't know, and she doesn't care, because in this moment she has Zvei close, and she simply holds as long as he wants to kiss her. It's such a foreign concept, really, but this place has proven her wrong in so many ways. Maybe, just maybe...
Love exists for her, in some manner.
...And the thought of that, despite all she's done, makes a couple of tears come down her face. They eventually have to separate for air but Amaya keeps him close, letting out a breath against him.]
...I believe that answers many questions, yes. [It comes out breathless when she says it, her face flushed and her yellow eyes almost hazy, but...] Thank you. For trusting me with this, for...caring for me, so very much.
I believe I can say with near flawless certainty that I love you, Zvei. And...no matter what the future, I'll continue to do so.
[For the seven years of his life he can actually remember, Zvei's never once considered the idea of truly loving or being loved by someone. After all, why want what he can't have? How could anyone love him, as broken and twisted as he is without his memories? How could he ever hope to love anyone else, when his feelings don't work properly and he doesn't have any frame of reference for "love" in the first place? So he accepted that it would never happen, and he was fine with it.
On this, he never thought he'd be proven wrong. He couldn't be more happy to be wrong.
Maybe it isn't the same way most people experience love. After all, this comes from two people with a very strange relationship with feelings. Maybe others wouldn't describe this as "love" to begin with. But it doesn't need to fit into their neat little boxes of understanding, as long as it is something that Amaya and Zvei both want, then why should he question it? If it's love to them, then that's all it has to be.
He does eventually break the kiss to breathe, immediately moving to brush away her tears with his thumbs. Amaya may not be able to smile, but Zvei certainly can - and he looks just as elated as he feels, grin wide and tiny fangs visible.]
Then consider that returned a thousandfold. I wouldn't have realized at all without you taking that first step and spelling it out for me so plainly. Thank you, Amaya. Truly, I can't imagine how long it would have taken me to figure it out on my own...
[He trails off there, head canted a bit as he considers something.]
...I've done it, haven't I? I've given you a genuine feeling.
[...And maybe I wouldn't mind seeing if you could make me feel something genuine, someday.
I vow to spend the rest of my days endeavoring to earn that genuine emotion from you, miss Amaya.
He didn't manage to keep that promise while he was still alive, but here and now...]
It may not be exactly what other people feel, but it's ours - that's more than good enough for me.
[He even wipes the tears from her eyes, and she's left wondering just how he doesn't consider himself so warm. They're both so emotionally screwed up that it doesn't matter, though. This is just the way Zvei is; this is the way he's choosing to be, and more than anything, Amaya appreciates it and finds herself leaning into his hand a bit, yellow eyes opening and...
They're still cold and strange, but the gaze she gives him is so soft, even as she realizes it.]
That you did. One even I cannot deny.
[He really did devote himself to it, if unintentionally. She even made him feel something in the process. And in her own emotionally broken way...]
...I would not have you, nor this, in any other manner. This is ours. And not a soul living or dead can take this from us. I didn't even realize it myself until I nearly pushed you away in my own self doubt, but...no longer.
[...]
May we stay here, for some time longer? I...want to enjoy this feeling with you, before having to deal with the others.
...And if Beryl somehow has a problem with it, I'll relocate his teeth into the garden myself.
[GIRL, YOU'RE IN A PC,,,
But no, she likes this. She likes this a lot, and frankly, she just wants to go back to sitting with him again, if he's here for that.]
Of course! Of course, Amaya. I want to stay right here with you, for as long as we can.
[They have a day or so until the newly dead start arriving, and then they'll need to help Seymour adjust to life here. But for now, they have this - this little bubble that is theirs and theirs alone.
...Though the comment about Beryl earns a snicker from him.]
As delightful as that would be to see, let's hope he has the good sense to stay away~
[thank god we're in a pc so beryl doesn't have to get beaten up today!!! wait this isn't a good thing, is it.]
...Thank you, for accepting me. Flaws and all. I was... worried you couldn't, or wouldn't, which is why I tried to stop thinking like that... which led to that whole confusion.
[Maybe if he'd actually used his words, but Zvei is remarkably good at not actually talking when it would help and talking a lot when it is useless. Thanks, Zvei.]
Good. Let me be selfish and keep you to myself for a bit.
[A small noise escapes her at his comment about Beryl, but she elects to keep further commentary to herself; she'll be disgusting and emotional on main if she wants to, deal with it wolfman!!!
Still, come on, let's go back to sitting on the ground. Zvei can continue to take her shoulder if he wants to, she's going to get back to working on that flower wreath while she does. She listens to Zvei, though, her gaze flicking to him with a small sigh.]
Zvei...I suppose I can understand that, but you've listened to all of my sins as well. You've accepted me, too; there isn't a world where I wouldn't do so. But...please, do not worry. I understand what you mean. I had...
...I'm sure you understand my relationship with any sort of physical affection is odd. Either I try imitating what I have seen in others and fail, or I get positively startled by the attempts of others and I cannot even ascertain what I feel.
[As if to punctuate that, Amaya's going to kiss Zvei's forehead again! Mwah.]
...I had thought that you deserved better, out of someone who loved you, than what I could provide. It's why I attempted to...take it back, and I fear I shoulder at least some of the blame for causing that.
I know better now, though.
[There's a ghost of something on her lips, an attempt at something that looks...a little too toothy still, before her look fades back to neutral placidity.]
And when we go home, I...cannot wait to introduce you to Aneirin.
[He'll do that immediately, though this time he feels like wrapping his arms around her waist. Deal with it, you're being hugged now. And yeah, your shoulder is his, he's quite comfy here.]
Mine isn't any better, truly. I've only gotten used to it because Yuki helped ease me into it. That week he was sick, he wanted to be around me more than usual, and I just sort of... adapted to it somewhere along the way.
[And now here we are!! He titters a bit at the kiss to his forehead, grinning.]
But don't be silly. This is what we both want, and it's not likely that anyone with a normal emotional range even could get this close to us to begin with. I'm perfectly fine with the way you are, Amaya.
[Even if she never is able to feel happiness the same way he is, that doesn't mean she isn't content in her own way. It's not like his version of "happiness" is the same as anyone else's either, after all. Neither of them are normal and they never will be, but that's why they managed to bond in the first place.]
Home?
[The idea of leaving this place is something Zvei hadn't even considered. Part of that is because of his own situation in Aelios which is... not great... But part of it is that they're dead. Can they even return to Amaya's world? Will she ever get to see Aneirin again? It's too cruel a thought to inflict on her, and more pressingly, she's said something that has his interest.]
...You'd want to bring me with you? And introduce me to Aneirin?
Ah, I see. I had wondered where you were during that week; I can certainly see why Yuki thinks the world of you, now.
[It's softer when she says it, and she's perfectly content staying like this for a little while, honestly. His arms wrapped around her and head on her shoulder, it feels empty, but the emptiness doesn't feel like some overwhelming, gaping void that Amaya wishes she could cross for once. Zvei's here, he's with her, and that alone makes this something she can be almost content about.
And she'd be content to keep it quiet, but Zvei questions her about home and why she'd want to bring him there, and her brow quirks a moment before she looks to him.]
Come now, he'll adore you. He may be a touch sympathy-filled, but if you explain what you are comfortable with to him, he'll listen with certainty. He'll probably insist on trying to get you to go shopping with him, though, so you ought be prepared for that.
But of course I would want to bring you home with me. You've already told me enough about your home that I refuse to even let you consider going back. [...] Unless you end up wanting that, but where you go, I want to follow.
[Zvei's shaking his head before she even finishes, though he at least waits for her before speaking.]
I don't believe there's anything left for me in Aelios. I'd be surprised if they don't execute me, so going back simply isn't an option. I'll find another way to reclaim my memories.
[Though this is more for practical reasons than sentimental ones. He simply won't get another shot at the Aeli, so there's no reason in wasting his time in Aelios. Though he might miss Lorraine. A bit.]
Besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Aneirin. He's looked after you for so long and your bond is so strong... I'd like to meet him, truly. I just... wasn't expecting it, I suppose.
[He pauses for a moment, staring at the flowers in Amaya's hands and then huffs a soft laugh.]
I don't think I've ever thought about the future before. Not in concrete terms, like meeting Aneirin, or returning to your world.
[What good would it do, when the only thing that matters is remembering? Why plan for a future that will change the moment he remembers who he's supposed to be?
But here and now, this feels right. Leaving Aelios behind entirely means that he won't be able to go back to the life he once led there... but it's not like he easily could have done that anyway, is it? He knew going after the Aeli would mean causing problems for himself in the future, if he even survived it - but it was worth it. Some part of him still thinks that.
It all feels further away now, though. Like maybe he doesn't have to rush anymore. With other worlds and their technologies and systems of magic, it's just a matter of time before he finds something and then...
Then he'll find a way to make those memories and that person fit in alongside the few things Zvei has for himself. That should work out fine, he thinks.]
[Amaya listens, as she continues to work on that wreath; it's really almost finished, the flowers arranged in what seems to be a beautiful pattern of those reds and pinks, but she gets what he's saying. She had figured that much, given what he told her. She was merely affirming what they had talked about, after all...she wonders, does he think she'd go back on her word? She had permitted Zvei whatever time he needed to decide, and...
...Well, she supposes that she's kind of voluntold him into coming home with her, but it doesn't have to be a lasting arrangement if Madide's vast and unusual magics somehow don't have the answers. Maybe she can make a new life with him somewhere, anywhere, all of them together. It's...
It's a strangely nice thought.]
...I'm not a woman who is in the habit of going back on her word, you know. If I can give you at least part of a future to look forward to, then I will be pleased beyond words. Even if I cannot feel it. The future as it stands may be turbulent and frightening, but I truly do have faith that we will make it through.
It's not as if I do not understand that thinking, though.
[Amaya pauses for a second, considering what she should say.]
To be able to give someone else a future they can look forward to...I never thought myself capable of it. Now, I want to imagine all of the bright and lovely things that we can do. I feel my thoughts racing with what could be; even if our situation here is not ideal, my mind imagines these possibilities unending, of the places I can show you, the people I can bring you to meet, and the things we can explore. It's...almost exhausting, but I don't mind it. It's so much better, than anything I thought life could be.
[...]
Though, I confess, I...may need to speak with you further about something, though it can wait.
[Ah, it really is coming together... How lovely. Zvei huffs a soft laugh at the first part and quickly adds:] My apologies, I didn't mean to doubt your word any.
[It was self-deprecating, not doubting Amaya any. But he thinks she can understand that - their worries and fears were of their own shortcomings, after all.
The idea that he has pleased her makes him feel that same sort of delight that comes with learning something new; that bright, unmistakable joy is so wonderful in this context. It's not a new feeling, but it somehow seems new when paired with their current topic of conversation; after all, the future has never been a particularly bright subject for Zvei.]
I'd like that. All of it. Maybe it'll give you a new appreciation of those places and people too.
[Though her pause gets him to angle himself so that he can properly look up at her.]
Come now, you know you can't say something like that and expect me not to ask! I am nothing but endlessly curious, after all!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
no subject
But I didn't mind it?
[It's the first thing out of his mouth, because that seems to be what this is hinging on. That she made a mistake by kissing him on the forehead, and he can't think of it as such. His own thoughts that followed were the mistakes, not her action.]
I don't... really understand affection. [Let's start there, back up a bit.] I was subjected to such things, occasionally. But before Yuki became sick, I had very little experience with them. In fact, I didn't like them much at all. I didn't want others in my space or touching me, with only one exception.
[And then Yuki slowly worked his way into Zvei's bubble, and now here he is, a socialized feral cat!]
So I apologize for not understanding, but I'm... not following. You're afraid that this action says something you didn't want it to say?
[It's like speaking a language you're only just learning with someone who's fluent - there are pieces you can grasp, but not the whole. The intricacies are just outside of his reach, and it's frustrating to not understand what's causing her distress, when she seems to think it's her own fault, somehow.]
1/2
...You needn't apologize. If anything, I simply shouldn't have done it even as a passing fancy, but I...
[She's quiet once that's out there, not taking her gaze off of him for a moment.]
I am glad you did not mind it. But the best way I can put this is simply; I...wanted to do that, for a reason I do not fully understand. Or at the very least, it does not fit into the neat definitions and feelings that I have tried so hard to understand.
[Ugh. She's just gonna have to come out and say it.]
...I thought I was driving you away, somehow, in doing so; that is the best definition that I can come up with.
And... [...] Maybe I wouldn't mind it, if you got ideas. But I don't think words are going to suffice, so...
Permit me an action, instead, to try and understand this.
[...She's really about to fuckin' do this, isn't she.]
2/2
[And that's about all of the warning he gets, before Amaya simply throws caution and subtlety to the wind in it's entirety as she rises up to meet his lips and kiss him. Maybe to find out what she feels towards him; maybe to find out what he feels toward her, but...
It's likely going to be brief, unless he has anything to say about it. Amaya's deeply inexperienced, after all; just full of entirely too much moxie for her own good. But...
...Oh, that emptiness is vast she's feeling.]
1/9 no i'm not joking my only regret is i couldn't find a way to make it 10
He nods at Amaya's words - he trusts her, after all. If she thinks an action will explain this better, then he won't question it and he waits patiently.]
2/9
Amaya Sasaki kisses him, Zvei, the mess masquerading as a person desperately clinging to a past he can't remember and unwilling to look toward a future without it.
...]
3/9
4/9
5/9
6/9
7/9
But the question isn't about his own feelings, for once in his miserable seven years of remembered existence. His own feelings are crystal clear and don't require like seven tags of introspection. He knows exactly how he feels, and it isn't even a question how to react to any of this.
The problem is more with Amaya, and how she might react. After all, she's doing this with him. She has to know the risks of such a thing. She has to know how stupid an idea this is. She has to recognize that he can't give her everything she should have.
But she chose to kiss him anyway, despite this. So maybe he has to be brave about it too.]
8/9
For once, his touch is remarkably gentle - desperate, needy, but not demanding. A question in and of itself, for he doesn't want to take any more from her than he already has.]
9/9 FINALLY
[It's rushed, desperate, like he can't get the words out fast enough.]
Please. I don't want to stop. I never want to stop.
[Or— Or she can tell him that she didn't mean it. That he's misinterpreted, that he's wrong, that it was a joke, a cruelty— Anything. He'll accept it. It's her choice to make, not his. He doesn't know how to express himself in words, but maybe... maybe this will be close enough for now.]
JESUS CHRISTMAS. 1/2
...I'm sorry for this. I...the answer is clear to me now, I think, but I apologize if I hurt you in the process. I never wanted to do that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to--
[Amaya starts to back away like she's about to leave, but then he shoots up, the grip on her arm causing her to startle briefly, and...]
2/2
He doesn't want this to stop. He wants this, with her of all people. He genuinely wants her, and something about this makes her eyes start to wet with something she doesn't understand. She still feels empty, maybe even a little sad about this, but she feels...relieved, she thinks. Relieved, that he wants this. Relieved that he's asking for this, so she doesn't have to misinterpret anything anymore.
Amaya lets out a breath that she knew damn well she was holding because of this, and she doesn't waste any time.]
...Gods, yes. Believe me when I say that you are not the only one.
[Amaya's heart hammers like a drum in her chest, but he's given her permission. Explicit permission. He wants this, and she does to. It should be a feeling that inspires elation, happiness unending, but it feels empty. It's all gone into the same void that Amaya can't understand, but right now, she doesn't care.
There's a man she wants to kiss, and he's begging her for a round 2. That's enough.
And as Amaya comes back down to let him return that kiss, she throws caution to the wind herself as she pulls him in close, a hand going to the back of his head to thread through his hair as she lets him take the lead this time--even if she's the first to plant their lips back together.
She adores him. Gods, she adores him.]
listen. it was really funny. so i had to.
She kisses him and pulls him close, and this time Zvei's prepared for it. His hands come up to cup her face - gentle, so much gentler than he's ever been before - and he returns that kiss. It's chaste but intense, as so much of what Zvei does is. He wants this. He needs her to know how badly he wants this, and he fears words alone aren't enough.
She may be inexperienced, but she'll learn quickly. Zvei does have experience, though not with this - a kiss not born out of heat-of-the-moment passion, but rather from complicated feelings that don't quite fit together as neatly as he assumes they would in a normal person. Amaya's likely the same way - she can't feel anything positive at all, so what is she feeling right now? Hard to say, and harder to say when neither of them can ask it, because for once they'd rather not be talking.
Zvei doesn't deepen the kiss - not yet, not right now - but that doesn't change the feeling of elation that comes with it. The feeling of finally figuring out the puzzle that is both his own feelings and Amaya's, and realizing that they want the same thing. This too is new and exciting, something else he has yet to learn everything about and something else he wants to study in detail. He won't be satisfied until he knows every damn thing there is to know about Amaya and their relationship and that...
...Is the happiest he's ever been, he thinks.]
you are so valid. one must be in a committed relationship with their bit.
(How badly she wants this, too, she feels her hands thread into his hair and wind their way in, ever so gentle because the moment is just perfect, and she doesn't want to hurt him. She wants him close. She wants something for herself, just this once, and there's no Dragon in her head to berate her. No Father to force her to kill him. No Aneirin to...well, he'd probably cheer about this, knowing him.
...She can't wait to tell Aneirin about him, she's finding. What a strange, foreign feeling.)
Maybe this vast emptiness is all of the happiness she cannot feel. She doesn't know, and she doesn't care, because in this moment she has Zvei close, and she simply holds as long as he wants to kiss her. It's such a foreign concept, really, but this place has proven her wrong in so many ways. Maybe, just maybe...
Love exists for her, in some manner.
...And the thought of that, despite all she's done, makes a couple of tears come down her face. They eventually have to separate for air but Amaya keeps him close, letting out a breath against him.]
...I believe that answers many questions, yes. [It comes out breathless when she says it, her face flushed and her yellow eyes almost hazy, but...] Thank you. For trusting me with this, for...caring for me, so very much.
I believe I can say with near flawless certainty that I love you, Zvei. And...no matter what the future, I'll continue to do so.
EXACTLY.
On this, he never thought he'd be proven wrong. He couldn't be more happy to be wrong.
Maybe it isn't the same way most people experience love. After all, this comes from two people with a very strange relationship with feelings. Maybe others wouldn't describe this as "love" to begin with. But it doesn't need to fit into their neat little boxes of understanding, as long as it is something that Amaya and Zvei both want, then why should he question it? If it's love to them, then that's all it has to be.
He does eventually break the kiss to breathe, immediately moving to brush away her tears with his thumbs. Amaya may not be able to smile, but Zvei certainly can - and he looks just as elated as he feels, grin wide and tiny fangs visible.]
Then consider that returned a thousandfold. I wouldn't have realized at all without you taking that first step and spelling it out for me so plainly. Thank you, Amaya. Truly, I can't imagine how long it would have taken me to figure it out on my own...
[He trails off there, head canted a bit as he considers something.]
...I've done it, haven't I? I've given you a genuine feeling.
[...And maybe I wouldn't mind seeing if you could make me feel something genuine, someday.
I vow to spend the rest of my days endeavoring to earn that genuine emotion from you, miss Amaya.
He didn't manage to keep that promise while he was still alive, but here and now...]
It may not be exactly what other people feel, but it's ours - that's more than good enough for me.
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They're still cold and strange, but the gaze she gives him is so soft, even as she realizes it.]
That you did. One even I cannot deny.
[He really did devote himself to it, if unintentionally. She even made him feel something in the process. And in her own emotionally broken way...]
...I would not have you, nor this, in any other manner. This is ours. And not a soul living or dead can take this from us. I didn't even realize it myself until I nearly pushed you away in my own self doubt, but...no longer.
[...]
May we stay here, for some time longer? I...want to enjoy this feeling with you, before having to deal with the others.
...And if Beryl somehow has a problem with it, I'll relocate his teeth into the garden myself.
[GIRL, YOU'RE IN A PC,,,
But no, she likes this. She likes this a lot, and frankly, she just wants to go back to sitting with him again, if he's here for that.]
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[They have a day or so until the newly dead start arriving, and then they'll need to help Seymour adjust to life here. But for now, they have this - this little bubble that is theirs and theirs alone.
...Though the comment about Beryl earns a snicker from him.]
As delightful as that would be to see, let's hope he has the good sense to stay away~
[thank god we're in a pc so beryl doesn't have to get beaten up today!!! wait this isn't a good thing, is it.]
...Thank you, for accepting me. Flaws and all. I was... worried you couldn't, or wouldn't, which is why I tried to stop thinking like that... which led to that whole confusion.
[Maybe if he'd actually used his words, but Zvei is remarkably good at not actually talking when it would help and talking a lot when it is useless. Thanks, Zvei.]
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[A small noise escapes her at his comment about Beryl, but she elects to keep further commentary to herself; she'll be disgusting and emotional on main if she wants to, deal with it wolfman!!!
Still, come on, let's go back to sitting on the ground. Zvei can continue to take her shoulder if he wants to, she's going to get back to working on that flower wreath while she does. She listens to Zvei, though, her gaze flicking to him with a small sigh.]
Zvei...I suppose I can understand that, but you've listened to all of my sins as well. You've accepted me, too; there isn't a world where I wouldn't do so. But...please, do not worry. I understand what you mean. I had...
...I'm sure you understand my relationship with any sort of physical affection is odd. Either I try imitating what I have seen in others and fail, or I get positively startled by the attempts of others and I cannot even ascertain what I feel.
[As if to punctuate that, Amaya's going to kiss Zvei's forehead again! Mwah.]
...I had thought that you deserved better, out of someone who loved you, than what I could provide. It's why I attempted to...take it back, and I fear I shoulder at least some of the blame for causing that.
I know better now, though.
[There's a ghost of something on her lips, an attempt at something that looks...a little too toothy still, before her look fades back to neutral placidity.]
And when we go home, I...cannot wait to introduce you to Aneirin.
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Mine isn't any better, truly. I've only gotten used to it because Yuki helped ease me into it. That week he was sick, he wanted to be around me more than usual, and I just sort of... adapted to it somewhere along the way.
[And now here we are!! He titters a bit at the kiss to his forehead, grinning.]
But don't be silly. This is what we both want, and it's not likely that anyone with a normal emotional range even could get this close to us to begin with. I'm perfectly fine with the way you are, Amaya.
[Even if she never is able to feel happiness the same way he is, that doesn't mean she isn't content in her own way. It's not like his version of "happiness" is the same as anyone else's either, after all. Neither of them are normal and they never will be, but that's why they managed to bond in the first place.]
Home?
[The idea of leaving this place is something Zvei hadn't even considered. Part of that is because of his own situation in Aelios which is... not great... But part of it is that they're dead. Can they even return to Amaya's world? Will she ever get to see Aneirin again? It's too cruel a thought to inflict on her, and more pressingly, she's said something that has his interest.]
...You'd want to bring me with you? And introduce me to Aneirin?
[Someone so near and dear to her...]
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[It's softer when she says it, and she's perfectly content staying like this for a little while, honestly. His arms wrapped around her and head on her shoulder, it feels empty, but the emptiness doesn't feel like some overwhelming, gaping void that Amaya wishes she could cross for once. Zvei's here, he's with her, and that alone makes this something she can be almost content about.
And she'd be content to keep it quiet, but Zvei questions her about home and why she'd want to bring him there, and her brow quirks a moment before she looks to him.]
Come now, he'll adore you. He may be a touch sympathy-filled, but if you explain what you are comfortable with to him, he'll listen with certainty. He'll probably insist on trying to get you to go shopping with him, though, so you ought be prepared for that.
But of course I would want to bring you home with me. You've already told me enough about your home that I refuse to even let you consider going back. [...] Unless you end up wanting that, but where you go, I want to follow.
It's as simple as that.
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I don't believe there's anything left for me in Aelios. I'd be surprised if they don't execute me, so going back simply isn't an option. I'll find another way to reclaim my memories.
[Though this is more for practical reasons than sentimental ones. He simply won't get another shot at the Aeli, so there's no reason in wasting his time in Aelios. Though he might miss Lorraine. A bit.]
Besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Aneirin. He's looked after you for so long and your bond is so strong... I'd like to meet him, truly. I just... wasn't expecting it, I suppose.
[He pauses for a moment, staring at the flowers in Amaya's hands and then huffs a soft laugh.]
I don't think I've ever thought about the future before. Not in concrete terms, like meeting Aneirin, or returning to your world.
[What good would it do, when the only thing that matters is remembering? Why plan for a future that will change the moment he remembers who he's supposed to be?
But here and now, this feels right. Leaving Aelios behind entirely means that he won't be able to go back to the life he once led there... but it's not like he easily could have done that anyway, is it? He knew going after the Aeli would mean causing problems for himself in the future, if he even survived it - but it was worth it. Some part of him still thinks that.
It all feels further away now, though. Like maybe he doesn't have to rush anymore. With other worlds and their technologies and systems of magic, it's just a matter of time before he finds something and then...
Then he'll find a way to make those memories and that person fit in alongside the few things Zvei has for himself. That should work out fine, he thinks.]
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...Well, she supposes that she's kind of voluntold him into coming home with her, but it doesn't have to be a lasting arrangement if Madide's vast and unusual magics somehow don't have the answers. Maybe she can make a new life with him somewhere, anywhere, all of them together. It's...
It's a strangely nice thought.]
...I'm not a woman who is in the habit of going back on her word, you know. If I can give you at least part of a future to look forward to, then I will be pleased beyond words. Even if I cannot feel it. The future as it stands may be turbulent and frightening, but I truly do have faith that we will make it through.
It's not as if I do not understand that thinking, though.
[Amaya pauses for a second, considering what she should say.]
To be able to give someone else a future they can look forward to...I never thought myself capable of it. Now, I want to imagine all of the bright and lovely things that we can do. I feel my thoughts racing with what could be; even if our situation here is not ideal, my mind imagines these possibilities unending, of the places I can show you, the people I can bring you to meet, and the things we can explore. It's...almost exhausting, but I don't mind it. It's so much better, than anything I thought life could be.
[...]
Though, I confess, I...may need to speak with you further about something, though it can wait.
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[It was self-deprecating, not doubting Amaya any. But he thinks she can understand that - their worries and fears were of their own shortcomings, after all.
The idea that he has pleased her makes him feel that same sort of delight that comes with learning something new; that bright, unmistakable joy is so wonderful in this context. It's not a new feeling, but it somehow seems new when paired with their current topic of conversation; after all, the future has never been a particularly bright subject for Zvei.]
I'd like that. All of it. Maybe it'll give you a new appreciation of those places and people too.
[Though her pause gets him to angle himself so that he can properly look up at her.]
Come now, you know you can't say something like that and expect me not to ask! I am nothing but endlessly curious, after all!
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