[Amaya saw it too, then. Yes, Seymour was more sensitive than the others likely thought, and the things they said about him were barbs he couldn't ignore. Maybe this could have been avoided if Amaya had lived, or if Zvei had lived, or if one of the others had managed to reach Seymour like they had. A tragedy that could have been prevented, and yet wasn't. And here they are, left to pick up the pieces.
Amaya freezes and stops working on the flowers, and Zvei doesn't move to properly look up at her. Kind of hard to do that from this positioning, and he doesn't really want to move. He wants the proximity. He wants to be close, for reasons he doesn't fully understand or want to examine.]
Have I? [He asks it almost as an afterthought, because it doesn't really feel like that.] I only ever do what I want to do.
[And what is it he wants to do right now? Zvei closes his eyes and releases a breath that doesn't quite make it to a laugh.]
Sure. I think... I still need some time to pull myself together. As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
[That one at least sounds a bit more like a joke, a bit more like his usual self.]
[And pick up the pieces they will, when Seymour arrives. They can deal with whatever comes their way; they can deal with whatever Yuki does and his judgement, and they can keep Seymour safe. He'll have them now, as he always should have.
Amaya pauses a bit more as she listens to Zvei, her gaze flicking to him on her shoulder as he says that.]
Hmm. Perhaps you have a more nurturing soul than even you realize, inside of you. You've taken care of Yuki and I both so well; you listen to us, and grant us reprieve while asking nothing of yourself. If that is what you want to do, I don't think any of us will stop you.
[That little joke though...Amaya finds herself pausing for well over a minute at that, looking at him and staring with those dead, yellow eyes of hers. She looks down at him, resting against her shoulder so easily, and she could just leave it at that. She could just let him rest, as he wishes to.
...
As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
(roll resolve: 19.)]
You could give a girl ideas, you know. But if you're offering...
[Amaya finally breaks the silence for a brief, brief moment before gently angling her head so she can press a small kiss to his forehead. It's...quite shy, surprisingly; gentle despite it all, and she almost immediately draws back to go back to work, ignoring the growing pink of her cheeks.
He offered, after all. And...maybe she does want to comfort him, a touch; not that she knows if this will. But so many mothers she saw did this to their kids when they were sad, so maybe...]
[The first part gets a soft hum of acknowledgement from him. He doesn't agree - he always has had his own selfish reasons behind helping Yuki and Amaya, after all - but it's nice that she can think so positively of him.
But then she pauses for quite awhile longer than he was expecting, and he finally shifts enough so that he can glance up at her as if to ask did I say something strange? She answers that unasked question with a kiss to his forehead, and that leaves Zvei blinking in silence. Though he's not entirely aware of it, Amaya's not the only one turning pink.
For a moment, he allows himself to fall back into what ifs. What if Amaya didn't stop there? What if she wanted to go further, for comfort or a distraction or amusement doesn't matter, it would be a welcome reprieve. What if she continued to be so gentle and soft with him, and threatened to dismantle him piece by piece? What if she continued to cherish him, despite all of his horrid, unbearable flaws?
What if she could do more than cherish him, and what if he could feel the same way?
Zvei closes his eyes and forces all of those thoughts out of his head. Pure fantasy, nothing more.]
You're the one who's going to start giving me ideas...
[It's light though, relaxed. It's okay that things will never be that way, because he never expected it. What matters is her company and friendship. He doesn't need anything else.]
...I wish my hair was longer, then I could ask you to braid it.
[A different topic, offering her a distraction, if she wants it. A way to put all of that behind them and reorient themselves on more familiar, understandable ground. An out, so they don't have to talk about it. Maybe it's for her sake, maybe it's for his own. He's not sure at this point.]
[Amaya isn't sure what she'll see if she looks back at Zvei. A part of her is ready for questioning if needed, that she's merely imitating the comforting things she's seen others do. She doesn't need to justify herself to him, she knows, but she wants to make sure she isn't misunderstood. That he can walk away from this if needed, from this defective human being who can't even possibly give him what he deserves.
She wants to do so much more. That small kiss could escalate, and maybe it would be nice to let caution fly to the wind again. Maybe it would be nice to kiss every little imperfection on his face and love him for it anyway, to see if he could love her and all of her wretched flaws in kind. But she can't; she knows she can't. She's too defective for that, too broken. This much is...
It isn't enough, but it needs to be.]
...I would not mind trying, if your hair ever decides to grow to that length. I think you could pull off something beautiful.
[Amaya keeps on weaving, letting silence fall over them for a little bit before speaking up again.]
...I won't do that again, if you do not want me to. I'd...rather not give you false ideas.
[Because she doesn't know how she feels. How he feels. And he deserves better than that.]
[Zvei tries to imagine himself with long hair. It doesn't work. Little does he know pre-amnesia he did have long hair that he braided. The jokes write themselves.]
Hmm, maybe. I like it better on you.
[But after the silence spans and she breaks it...
...Ah.
Yeah, that's all it was, just a silly little fantasy. Of course she wouldn't feel such a way about someone like him. How could she? A broken, twisted individual such as himself barely even counts as a person without his memories - he doesn't know who he is, or why he's like this, or anything about his life before that day deep within Ize-Vti. It would be unfair to expect anything else of her - she's already being far too generous as it is by indulging him so often.
And surely she knows that, doesn't she? Amaya's a smart woman, capable and caring, able to read others well enough to get along in the world better than Zvei himself, despite their similar emotional problems. She likely knows exactly how much he's using her for his own selfish ends, and she lets him do it without complaint. A magnanimous woman like that deserves better than he could ever provide, even if he were to entertain such an idea further.
Don't be stupid, he scolds himself. There wasn't a chance to begin with. You know better than to want what you can't have.
And it stings, a little. To be rejected so openly. But it's better this way - better for them both. She won't have to navigate this situation again, and he won't ever have to think about it. Because it isn't a possibility, and he isn't going to make this mistake again.]
My apologies, [don't you dare let a hint of it show; this isn't her fault and she shouldn't blame herself] I suppose I got a bit carried away. I won't trouble you with it again.
[Mismatched eyes are fixed on her hands again and selfishly, selfishly he wants to stay right here. To keep his head on her shoulder, to live in this small little moment where just for a little while, he had the luxury of pretending.
...But he exhales softly and moves to sit up properly. It isn't fair to her, and she already puts up with so, so much of his selfishness.]
[She feels her cheeks dare to heat at that, and a part of her just genuinely wants to throw caution to the wind and say to hell with it all. It isn't fair to him. She's a freak without a heart to most people, even if she only really has half of one. They're simply friends, they're simply people who need to keep a distance, but everything in her wants to take that chance finally, and maybe say something she can't understand. As if she could love him with that strange, broken heart of hers, and...
She hears Zvei speak up again, and for a brief moment, she's confused. He acts like he's done something wrong, when he hasn't; this is just their usual, isn't it? This is just the way they have always been, teasing and playing into banter, and she was--
He starts to get up and walk away, and Amaya's eyes widen--it might be a little bit of a sudden motion, but Amaya quickly grasps at his hand, or just something and she clings a little tighter than intended before she speaks up.]
Wait. Zvei, what are you talking about? I'm...I'm the one who's trying to meddle in things I do not understand, clearly. I...
[Amaya pauses, not even sure of what this is, but she looks up at him with concern and almost borderline desperation.]
...I don't want to hurt you, and if I have, I'm terribly sorry. I'm the one who overstepped, not you.
[Amaya grabs his hand even before he can fully get up, and Zvei stares at her, blinking. Her grip is tight, like she doesn't want to let go, but it's her words that really stall him.]
But you haven't overstepped? Really, I don't know why you're claiming you were meddling in anything...
[Okay. Okay, we're both horribly confused and we're going to hurt ourselves in our confusion at this rate so let's just... back up. He takes her hand in both of hers, as if to reassure her he isn't going anywhere. Yet, at least. Maybe that's lie #3, depending on how this goes.]
[Something trembles briefly in her expression, and she's not sure if it's because she can practically feel that he's lying to her--he has to be, he wouldn't try to walk away if this wasn't the case, but she...
The more Amaya thinks about it, the more she's scared of putting a word to it. But she made her bed; she's perfectly capable of lying in it.]
People don't just kiss people on the forehead that they don't like in some manner, Zvei. Parents kiss their children, children sometimes return it. People who...care for one another, they do this as well. I...
[...]
...I wanted to comfort you, as you have done for me so many times over. What I did in service of that was...without thinking, because I thought it might help.
...But I... [Amaya pauses a bit, trying to work out how to say this.] I fear saying something I do not mean. All the same, however, you...do inspire some of the most confusing feelings in me.
...Perhaps that is why I thought such an action was acceptable, and I apologize for subjecting you to it. And I think it is...affection, of a sort. That I fear I am meddling with.
[Love is too hard of a word to say, but this is...safe.]
[Amaya has neatly laid all the pieces of this puzzle out for him. He can see their edges and how some fit together, but somehow, the pieces don't fit neatly into one picture. He's missing something. He's missing something, or maybe they're pieces to multiple separate pictures and he can't see it, and either way the end result is that he's still just as confused, because he's not really seeing a problem here.]
But I didn't mind it?
[It's the first thing out of his mouth, because that seems to be what this is hinging on. That she made a mistake by kissing him on the forehead, and he can't think of it as such. His own thoughts that followed were the mistakes, not her action.]
I don't... really understand affection. [Let's start there, back up a bit.] I was subjected to such things, occasionally. But before Yuki became sick, I had very little experience with them. In fact, I didn't like them much at all. I didn't want others in my space or touching me, with only one exception.
[And then Yuki slowly worked his way into Zvei's bubble, and now here he is, a socialized feral cat!]
So I apologize for not understanding, but I'm... not following. You're afraid that this action says something you didn't want it to say?
[It's like speaking a language you're only just learning with someone who's fluent - there are pieces you can grasp, but not the whole. The intricacies are just outside of his reach, and it's frustrating to not understand what's causing her distress, when she seems to think it's her own fault, somehow.]
[...Right, she forgot for a second that he's even worse at this than she is.]
...You needn't apologize. If anything, I simply shouldn't have done it even as a passing fancy, but I...
[She's quiet once that's out there, not taking her gaze off of him for a moment.]
I am glad you did not mind it. But the best way I can put this is simply; I...wanted to do that, for a reason I do not fully understand. Or at the very least, it does not fit into the neat definitions and feelings that I have tried so hard to understand.
[Ugh. She's just gonna have to come out and say it.]
...I thought I was driving you away, somehow, in doing so; that is the best definition that I can come up with.
And... [...] Maybe I wouldn't mind it, if you got ideas. But I don't think words are going to suffice, so...
Permit me an action, instead, to try and understand this.
[...She's really about to fuckin' do this, isn't she.]
...And if you do not want me to, you need only say the word.
[And that's about all of the warning he gets, before Amaya simply throws caution and subtlety to the wind in it's entirety as she rises up to meet his lips and kiss him. Maybe to find out what she feels towards him; maybe to find out what he feels toward her, but...
It's likely going to be brief, unless he has anything to say about it. Amaya's deeply inexperienced, after all; just full of entirely too much moxie for her own good. But...
...Oh, that emptiness is vast she's feeling.]
1/9 no i'm not joking my only regret is i couldn't find a way to make it 10
[So the problem seems to be that it had some kind of emotional reaction that Amaya is having a problem with. Okay, he can understand that, sometimes his feelings do a weird thing and he just sort of has to Deal, so he can accept that it happened to her. He can also understand where she'd be worried about him trying to leave, and why she assumed it was her fault, because she was already criticizing her own actions. The picture becomes clearer, but it's still a blurry mess that doesn't quite make sense.
He nods at Amaya's words - he trusts her, after all. If she thinks an action will explain this better, then he won't question it and he waits patiently.]
Amaya Sasaki kisses him, Zvei, the mess masquerading as a person desperately clinging to a past he can't remember and unwilling to look toward a future without it.
[That... it doesn't add up. It's the equivalent of Amaya throwing the puzzle out the nearest window and setting the house on fire for good measure. He was the one getting crazy ideas from a gesture of affection that his touch-starved self read too much into, not her? And yet here she is kissing him, believing that this will shed light on the situation instead of just confuse him even more.]
[He shouldn't make assumptions. Assumptions lead to disastrous results, as seen within this very conversation. What he should do is ask her to elaborate in tiny words because maybe then he won't be able to misinterpret things or misunderstand what it is she's trying to say, because he is so tremendously terrible at this.]
[It has been like a solid minute of this. Amaya has probably pulled back. Hell, she might even be getting up to leave at this point because Zvei has been doing the equivalent of staring at calculus this entire time. (Calculus would make more sense and his world probably doesn't even have calculus.)
But the question isn't about his own feelings, for once in his miserable seven years of remembered existence. His own feelings are crystal clear and don't require like seven tags of introspection. He knows exactly how he feels, and it isn't even a question how to react to any of this.
The problem is more with Amaya, and how she might react. After all, she's doing this with him. She has to know the risks of such a thing. She has to know how stupid an idea this is. She has to recognize that he can't give her everything she should have.
But she chose to kiss him anyway, despite this. So maybe he has to be brave about it too.]
[Zvei reaches out for her - for her hand, if she's trying to leave. For her arm, if she's already gotten up. For a way to keep her here - or if she hasn't even tried to leave, to touch the side of her face, because more than anything, he wants to keep her close, to let her know she hasn't made a mistake despite his immensely delayed reaction.
For once, his touch is remarkably gentle - desperate, needy, but not demanding. A question in and of itself, for he doesn't want to take any more from her than he already has.]
[It's rushed, desperate, like he can't get the words out fast enough.]
Please. I don't want to stop. I never want to stop.
[Or— Or she can tell him that she didn't mean it. That he's misinterpreted, that he's wrong, that it was a joke, a cruelty— Anything. He'll accept it. It's her choice to make, not his. He doesn't know how to express himself in words, but maybe... maybe this will be close enough for now.]
[...Zvei seems frozen in place, and for the briefest of moments something in Amaya's heart shatters. Frankly, she didn't think he'd return such a feeling, but at least Amaya knows hers now. There's...of course the problem of the fact that she does have to talk about this eventually, but that can wait. Fuck, she's gotta talk to Seymour about this because it feels clear to her on this end too, and she is not going to take any unnecessary risks with this. No, Zvei clearly doesn't like this, she's clearly fucked up, and Amaya's look shifts to one of outright dejection as she starts to pull away from him.]
...I'm sorry for this. I...the answer is clear to me now, I think, but I apologize if I hurt you in the process. I never wanted to do that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to--
[Amaya starts to back away like she's about to leave, but then he shoots up, the grip on her arm causing her to startle briefly, and...]
[Let me kiss you again, he says in such a rushed manner that it almost feels like a fervent prayer than pleading. For a brief moment, Amaya's stunned and she has to make sure that she's hearing him properly, but the rest of his words cinch it.
He doesn't want this to stop. He wants this, with her of all people. He genuinely wants her, and something about this makes her eyes start to wet with something she doesn't understand. She still feels empty, maybe even a little sad about this, but she feels...relieved, she thinks. Relieved, that he wants this. Relieved that he's asking for this, so she doesn't have to misinterpret anything anymore.
Amaya lets out a breath that she knew damn well she was holding because of this, and she doesn't waste any time.]
...Gods, yes. Believe me when I say that you are not the only one.
[Amaya's heart hammers like a drum in her chest, but he's given her permission. Explicit permission. He wants this, and she does to. It should be a feeling that inspires elation, happiness unending, but it feels empty. It's all gone into the same void that Amaya can't understand, but right now, she doesn't care.
There's a man she wants to kiss, and he's begging her for a round 2. That's enough.
And as Amaya comes back down to let him return that kiss, she throws caution to the wind herself as she pulls him in close, a hand going to the back of his head to thread through his hair as she lets him take the lead this time--even if she's the first to plant their lips back together.
[Amaya doesn't leave, and she agrees - there's nothing left to misinterpret. They both want this. And if they both want it, then does it truly matter if neither of them can experience this in a way that most people can? They're experiencing it in their own way; isn't that good enough?
She kisses him and pulls him close, and this time Zvei's prepared for it. His hands come up to cup her face - gentle, so much gentler than he's ever been before - and he returns that kiss. It's chaste but intense, as so much of what Zvei does is. He wants this. He needs her to know how badly he wants this, and he fears words alone aren't enough.
She may be inexperienced, but she'll learn quickly. Zvei does have experience, though not with this - a kiss not born out of heat-of-the-moment passion, but rather from complicated feelings that don't quite fit together as neatly as he assumes they would in a normal person. Amaya's likely the same way - she can't feel anything positive at all, so what is she feeling right now? Hard to say, and harder to say when neither of them can ask it, because for once they'd rather not be talking.
Zvei doesn't deepen the kiss - not yet, not right now - but that doesn't change the feeling of elation that comes with it. The feeling of finally figuring out the puzzle that is both his own feelings and Amaya's, and realizing that they want the same thing. This too is new and exciting, something else he has yet to learn everything about and something else he wants to study in detail. He won't be satisfied until he knows every damn thing there is to know about Amaya and their relationship and that...
...Is the happiest he's ever been, he thinks.]
you are so valid. one must be in a committed relationship with their bit.
[Zvei cups her face as she cedes control to him, and he's so gentle with her. It's something so small and chaste, but the intensity of it comes through so clearly; something Amaya still can't feel entirely, but it threatens to make her feel some sort of strange, strange thing in her heart. She's a paradox. She can't feel, and yet his devotion, his gentleness, it comes through so clear as he kisses her how badly he wants this.
(How badly she wants this, too, she feels her hands thread into his hair and wind their way in, ever so gentle because the moment is just perfect, and she doesn't want to hurt him. She wants him close. She wants something for herself, just this once, and there's no Dragon in her head to berate her. No Father to force her to kill him. No Aneirin to...well, he'd probably cheer about this, knowing him.
...She can't wait to tell Aneirin about him, she's finding. What a strange, foreign feeling.)
Maybe this vast emptiness is all of the happiness she cannot feel. She doesn't know, and she doesn't care, because in this moment she has Zvei close, and she simply holds as long as he wants to kiss her. It's such a foreign concept, really, but this place has proven her wrong in so many ways. Maybe, just maybe...
Love exists for her, in some manner.
...And the thought of that, despite all she's done, makes a couple of tears come down her face. They eventually have to separate for air but Amaya keeps him close, letting out a breath against him.]
...I believe that answers many questions, yes. [It comes out breathless when she says it, her face flushed and her yellow eyes almost hazy, but...] Thank you. For trusting me with this, for...caring for me, so very much.
I believe I can say with near flawless certainty that I love you, Zvei. And...no matter what the future, I'll continue to do so.
[For the seven years of his life he can actually remember, Zvei's never once considered the idea of truly loving or being loved by someone. After all, why want what he can't have? How could anyone love him, as broken and twisted as he is without his memories? How could he ever hope to love anyone else, when his feelings don't work properly and he doesn't have any frame of reference for "love" in the first place? So he accepted that it would never happen, and he was fine with it.
On this, he never thought he'd be proven wrong. He couldn't be more happy to be wrong.
Maybe it isn't the same way most people experience love. After all, this comes from two people with a very strange relationship with feelings. Maybe others wouldn't describe this as "love" to begin with. But it doesn't need to fit into their neat little boxes of understanding, as long as it is something that Amaya and Zvei both want, then why should he question it? If it's love to them, then that's all it has to be.
He does eventually break the kiss to breathe, immediately moving to brush away her tears with his thumbs. Amaya may not be able to smile, but Zvei certainly can - and he looks just as elated as he feels, grin wide and tiny fangs visible.]
Then consider that returned a thousandfold. I wouldn't have realized at all without you taking that first step and spelling it out for me so plainly. Thank you, Amaya. Truly, I can't imagine how long it would have taken me to figure it out on my own...
[He trails off there, head canted a bit as he considers something.]
...I've done it, haven't I? I've given you a genuine feeling.
[...And maybe I wouldn't mind seeing if you could make me feel something genuine, someday.
I vow to spend the rest of my days endeavoring to earn that genuine emotion from you, miss Amaya.
He didn't manage to keep that promise while he was still alive, but here and now...]
It may not be exactly what other people feel, but it's ours - that's more than good enough for me.
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necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
no subject
Amaya freezes and stops working on the flowers, and Zvei doesn't move to properly look up at her. Kind of hard to do that from this positioning, and he doesn't really want to move. He wants the proximity. He wants to be close, for reasons he doesn't fully understand or want to examine.]
Have I? [He asks it almost as an afterthought, because it doesn't really feel like that.] I only ever do what I want to do.
[And what is it he wants to do right now? Zvei closes his eyes and releases a breath that doesn't quite make it to a laugh.]
Sure. I think... I still need some time to pull myself together. As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
[That one at least sounds a bit more like a joke, a bit more like his usual self.]
no subject
Amaya pauses a bit more as she listens to Zvei, her gaze flicking to him on her shoulder as he says that.]
Hmm. Perhaps you have a more nurturing soul than even you realize, inside of you. You've taken care of Yuki and I both so well; you listen to us, and grant us reprieve while asking nothing of yourself. If that is what you want to do, I don't think any of us will stop you.
[That little joke though...Amaya finds herself pausing for well over a minute at that, looking at him and staring with those dead, yellow eyes of hers. She looks down at him, resting against her shoulder so easily, and she could just leave it at that. She could just let him rest, as he wishes to.
...
As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
(roll resolve: 19.)]
You could give a girl ideas, you know. But if you're offering...
[Amaya finally breaks the silence for a brief, brief moment before gently angling her head so she can press a small kiss to his forehead. It's...quite shy, surprisingly; gentle despite it all, and she almost immediately draws back to go back to work, ignoring the growing pink of her cheeks.
He offered, after all. And...maybe she does want to comfort him, a touch; not that she knows if this will. But so many mothers she saw did this to their kids when they were sad, so maybe...]
no subject
But then she pauses for quite awhile longer than he was expecting, and he finally shifts enough so that he can glance up at her as if to ask did I say something strange? She answers that unasked question with a kiss to his forehead, and that leaves Zvei blinking in silence. Though he's not entirely aware of it, Amaya's not the only one turning pink.
For a moment, he allows himself to fall back into what ifs. What if Amaya didn't stop there? What if she wanted to go further, for comfort or a distraction or amusement doesn't matter, it would be a welcome reprieve. What if she continued to be so gentle and soft with him, and threatened to dismantle him piece by piece? What if she continued to cherish him, despite all of his horrid, unbearable flaws?
What if she could do more than cherish him, and what if he could feel the same way?
Zvei closes his eyes and forces all of those thoughts out of his head. Pure fantasy, nothing more.]
You're the one who's going to start giving me ideas...
[It's light though, relaxed. It's okay that things will never be that way, because he never expected it. What matters is her company and friendship. He doesn't need anything else.]
...I wish my hair was longer, then I could ask you to braid it.
[A different topic, offering her a distraction, if she wants it. A way to put all of that behind them and reorient themselves on more familiar, understandable ground. An out, so they don't have to talk about it. Maybe it's for her sake, maybe it's for his own. He's not sure at this point.]
no subject
She wants to do so much more. That small kiss could escalate, and maybe it would be nice to let caution fly to the wind again. Maybe it would be nice to kiss every little imperfection on his face and love him for it anyway, to see if he could love her and all of her wretched flaws in kind. But she can't; she knows she can't. She's too defective for that, too broken. This much is...
It isn't enough, but it needs to be.]
...I would not mind trying, if your hair ever decides to grow to that length. I think you could pull off something beautiful.
[Amaya keeps on weaving, letting silence fall over them for a little bit before speaking up again.]
...I won't do that again, if you do not want me to. I'd...rather not give you false ideas.
[Because she doesn't know how she feels. How he feels. And he deserves better than that.]
no subject
Hmm, maybe. I like it better on you.
[But after the silence spans and she breaks it...
...Ah.
Yeah, that's all it was, just a silly little fantasy. Of course she wouldn't feel such a way about someone like him. How could she? A broken, twisted individual such as himself barely even counts as a person without his memories - he doesn't know who he is, or why he's like this, or anything about his life before that day deep within Ize-Vti. It would be unfair to expect anything else of her - she's already being far too generous as it is by indulging him so often.
And surely she knows that, doesn't she? Amaya's a smart woman, capable and caring, able to read others well enough to get along in the world better than Zvei himself, despite their similar emotional problems. She likely knows exactly how much he's using her for his own selfish ends, and she lets him do it without complaint. A magnanimous woman like that deserves better than he could ever provide, even if he were to entertain such an idea further.
Don't be stupid, he scolds himself. There wasn't a chance to begin with. You know better than to want what you can't have.
And it stings, a little. To be rejected so openly. But it's better this way - better for them both. She won't have to navigate this situation again, and he won't ever have to think about it. Because it isn't a possibility, and he isn't going to make this mistake again.]
My apologies, [don't you dare let a hint of it show; this isn't her fault and she shouldn't blame herself] I suppose I got a bit carried away. I won't trouble you with it again.
[Mismatched eyes are fixed on her hands again and selfishly, selfishly he wants to stay right here. To keep his head on her shoulder, to live in this small little moment where just for a little while, he had the luxury of pretending.
...But he exhales softly and moves to sit up properly. It isn't fair to her, and she already puts up with so, so much of his selfishness.]
no subject
She hears Zvei speak up again, and for a brief moment, she's confused. He acts like he's done something wrong, when he hasn't; this is just their usual, isn't it? This is just the way they have always been, teasing and playing into banter, and she was--
He starts to get up and walk away, and Amaya's eyes widen--it might be a little bit of a sudden motion, but Amaya quickly grasps at his hand, or just something and she clings a little tighter than intended before she speaks up.]
Wait. Zvei, what are you talking about? I'm...I'm the one who's trying to meddle in things I do not understand, clearly. I...
[Amaya pauses, not even sure of what this is, but she looks up at him with concern and almost borderline desperation.]
...I don't want to hurt you, and if I have, I'm terribly sorry. I'm the one who overstepped, not you.
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You haven't hurt me. [Lie #1.] I'm perfectly fine. [Lie #2.]
But you haven't overstepped? Really, I don't know why you're claiming you were meddling in anything...
[Okay. Okay, we're both horribly confused and we're going to hurt ourselves in our confusion at this rate so let's just... back up. He takes her hand in both of hers, as if to reassure her he isn't going anywhere. Yet, at least. Maybe that's lie #3, depending on how this goes.]
What do you think you were meddling in, exactly?
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The more Amaya thinks about it, the more she's scared of putting a word to it. But she made her bed; she's perfectly capable of lying in it.]
People don't just kiss people on the forehead that they don't like in some manner, Zvei. Parents kiss their children, children sometimes return it. People who...care for one another, they do this as well. I...
[...]
...I wanted to comfort you, as you have done for me so many times over. What I did in service of that was...without thinking, because I thought it might help.
...But I... [Amaya pauses a bit, trying to work out how to say this.] I fear saying something I do not mean. All the same, however, you...do inspire some of the most confusing feelings in me.
...Perhaps that is why I thought such an action was acceptable, and I apologize for subjecting you to it. And I think it is...affection, of a sort. That I fear I am meddling with.
[Love is too hard of a word to say, but this is...safe.]
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But I didn't mind it?
[It's the first thing out of his mouth, because that seems to be what this is hinging on. That she made a mistake by kissing him on the forehead, and he can't think of it as such. His own thoughts that followed were the mistakes, not her action.]
I don't... really understand affection. [Let's start there, back up a bit.] I was subjected to such things, occasionally. But before Yuki became sick, I had very little experience with them. In fact, I didn't like them much at all. I didn't want others in my space or touching me, with only one exception.
[And then Yuki slowly worked his way into Zvei's bubble, and now here he is, a socialized feral cat!]
So I apologize for not understanding, but I'm... not following. You're afraid that this action says something you didn't want it to say?
[It's like speaking a language you're only just learning with someone who's fluent - there are pieces you can grasp, but not the whole. The intricacies are just outside of his reach, and it's frustrating to not understand what's causing her distress, when she seems to think it's her own fault, somehow.]
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...You needn't apologize. If anything, I simply shouldn't have done it even as a passing fancy, but I...
[She's quiet once that's out there, not taking her gaze off of him for a moment.]
I am glad you did not mind it. But the best way I can put this is simply; I...wanted to do that, for a reason I do not fully understand. Or at the very least, it does not fit into the neat definitions and feelings that I have tried so hard to understand.
[Ugh. She's just gonna have to come out and say it.]
...I thought I was driving you away, somehow, in doing so; that is the best definition that I can come up with.
And... [...] Maybe I wouldn't mind it, if you got ideas. But I don't think words are going to suffice, so...
Permit me an action, instead, to try and understand this.
[...She's really about to fuckin' do this, isn't she.]
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[And that's about all of the warning he gets, before Amaya simply throws caution and subtlety to the wind in it's entirety as she rises up to meet his lips and kiss him. Maybe to find out what she feels towards him; maybe to find out what he feels toward her, but...
It's likely going to be brief, unless he has anything to say about it. Amaya's deeply inexperienced, after all; just full of entirely too much moxie for her own good. But...
...Oh, that emptiness is vast she's feeling.]
1/9 no i'm not joking my only regret is i couldn't find a way to make it 10
He nods at Amaya's words - he trusts her, after all. If she thinks an action will explain this better, then he won't question it and he waits patiently.]
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Amaya Sasaki kisses him, Zvei, the mess masquerading as a person desperately clinging to a past he can't remember and unwilling to look toward a future without it.
...]
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But the question isn't about his own feelings, for once in his miserable seven years of remembered existence. His own feelings are crystal clear and don't require like seven tags of introspection. He knows exactly how he feels, and it isn't even a question how to react to any of this.
The problem is more with Amaya, and how she might react. After all, she's doing this with him. She has to know the risks of such a thing. She has to know how stupid an idea this is. She has to recognize that he can't give her everything she should have.
But she chose to kiss him anyway, despite this. So maybe he has to be brave about it too.]
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For once, his touch is remarkably gentle - desperate, needy, but not demanding. A question in and of itself, for he doesn't want to take any more from her than he already has.]
9/9 FINALLY
[It's rushed, desperate, like he can't get the words out fast enough.]
Please. I don't want to stop. I never want to stop.
[Or— Or she can tell him that she didn't mean it. That he's misinterpreted, that he's wrong, that it was a joke, a cruelty— Anything. He'll accept it. It's her choice to make, not his. He doesn't know how to express himself in words, but maybe... maybe this will be close enough for now.]
JESUS CHRISTMAS. 1/2
...I'm sorry for this. I...the answer is clear to me now, I think, but I apologize if I hurt you in the process. I never wanted to do that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to--
[Amaya starts to back away like she's about to leave, but then he shoots up, the grip on her arm causing her to startle briefly, and...]
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He doesn't want this to stop. He wants this, with her of all people. He genuinely wants her, and something about this makes her eyes start to wet with something she doesn't understand. She still feels empty, maybe even a little sad about this, but she feels...relieved, she thinks. Relieved, that he wants this. Relieved that he's asking for this, so she doesn't have to misinterpret anything anymore.
Amaya lets out a breath that she knew damn well she was holding because of this, and she doesn't waste any time.]
...Gods, yes. Believe me when I say that you are not the only one.
[Amaya's heart hammers like a drum in her chest, but he's given her permission. Explicit permission. He wants this, and she does to. It should be a feeling that inspires elation, happiness unending, but it feels empty. It's all gone into the same void that Amaya can't understand, but right now, she doesn't care.
There's a man she wants to kiss, and he's begging her for a round 2. That's enough.
And as Amaya comes back down to let him return that kiss, she throws caution to the wind herself as she pulls him in close, a hand going to the back of his head to thread through his hair as she lets him take the lead this time--even if she's the first to plant their lips back together.
She adores him. Gods, she adores him.]
listen. it was really funny. so i had to.
She kisses him and pulls him close, and this time Zvei's prepared for it. His hands come up to cup her face - gentle, so much gentler than he's ever been before - and he returns that kiss. It's chaste but intense, as so much of what Zvei does is. He wants this. He needs her to know how badly he wants this, and he fears words alone aren't enough.
She may be inexperienced, but she'll learn quickly. Zvei does have experience, though not with this - a kiss not born out of heat-of-the-moment passion, but rather from complicated feelings that don't quite fit together as neatly as he assumes they would in a normal person. Amaya's likely the same way - she can't feel anything positive at all, so what is she feeling right now? Hard to say, and harder to say when neither of them can ask it, because for once they'd rather not be talking.
Zvei doesn't deepen the kiss - not yet, not right now - but that doesn't change the feeling of elation that comes with it. The feeling of finally figuring out the puzzle that is both his own feelings and Amaya's, and realizing that they want the same thing. This too is new and exciting, something else he has yet to learn everything about and something else he wants to study in detail. He won't be satisfied until he knows every damn thing there is to know about Amaya and their relationship and that...
...Is the happiest he's ever been, he thinks.]
you are so valid. one must be in a committed relationship with their bit.
(How badly she wants this, too, she feels her hands thread into his hair and wind their way in, ever so gentle because the moment is just perfect, and she doesn't want to hurt him. She wants him close. She wants something for herself, just this once, and there's no Dragon in her head to berate her. No Father to force her to kill him. No Aneirin to...well, he'd probably cheer about this, knowing him.
...She can't wait to tell Aneirin about him, she's finding. What a strange, foreign feeling.)
Maybe this vast emptiness is all of the happiness she cannot feel. She doesn't know, and she doesn't care, because in this moment she has Zvei close, and she simply holds as long as he wants to kiss her. It's such a foreign concept, really, but this place has proven her wrong in so many ways. Maybe, just maybe...
Love exists for her, in some manner.
...And the thought of that, despite all she's done, makes a couple of tears come down her face. They eventually have to separate for air but Amaya keeps him close, letting out a breath against him.]
...I believe that answers many questions, yes. [It comes out breathless when she says it, her face flushed and her yellow eyes almost hazy, but...] Thank you. For trusting me with this, for...caring for me, so very much.
I believe I can say with near flawless certainty that I love you, Zvei. And...no matter what the future, I'll continue to do so.
EXACTLY.
On this, he never thought he'd be proven wrong. He couldn't be more happy to be wrong.
Maybe it isn't the same way most people experience love. After all, this comes from two people with a very strange relationship with feelings. Maybe others wouldn't describe this as "love" to begin with. But it doesn't need to fit into their neat little boxes of understanding, as long as it is something that Amaya and Zvei both want, then why should he question it? If it's love to them, then that's all it has to be.
He does eventually break the kiss to breathe, immediately moving to brush away her tears with his thumbs. Amaya may not be able to smile, but Zvei certainly can - and he looks just as elated as he feels, grin wide and tiny fangs visible.]
Then consider that returned a thousandfold. I wouldn't have realized at all without you taking that first step and spelling it out for me so plainly. Thank you, Amaya. Truly, I can't imagine how long it would have taken me to figure it out on my own...
[He trails off there, head canted a bit as he considers something.]
...I've done it, haven't I? I've given you a genuine feeling.
[...And maybe I wouldn't mind seeing if you could make me feel something genuine, someday.
I vow to spend the rest of my days endeavoring to earn that genuine emotion from you, miss Amaya.
He didn't manage to keep that promise while he was still alive, but here and now...]
It may not be exactly what other people feel, but it's ours - that's more than good enough for me.
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