[Zvei sees to Yuki for the duration of the trial. He wants to help, regardless of their differing beliefs on Nala and Seymour and everything that mess of a trial was. But eventually he does have to take his leave, because he needs a moment to just... decompress, maybe. Get it all out of his system. The familiar spike of anger lingers like a dull ache in the back of his head, but...
It's been surpassed by something unfamiliar. A dull ache, like the ghost of a massive bruise long since healed. It tugs at him, distracting him from the distractions he sought out.
He found himself in the gardens, and meant to take the time to read through his notes and see if there's anything else he needs to write down. But the end result is that he's just sitting on the grass staring blankly at his notebook, looking over the same portion of the cipher over and over again without actually accomplishing anything.
The anger is a slow simmer, and the ache has become like white noise. Both feel unnatural and uncomfortable and he can't focus like this. If he could focus, then maybe he could drive them both away with a distraction, but instead... Well, instead he's just sort of staring at his notebook and doing a whole lot of nothing. He's remarkably still for someone who is usually so animated.]
[...He really is so still. Part of her had wanted to come to the garden to weave something, to give her hands something to do that isn't drawing--but Amaya sees Zvei in the grass and finds herself pausing at first. She's never asked him what in his notebook, and she's pretty sure she'd never understand it. But he looks so drained, and...
...
Amaya will go and pick some flowers, briefly--some beautiful, deep reds and pinks, carrying them in her arms before she simply mirrors Zvei's actions during the trial.
She walks right over, sitting shoulder to shoulder with him and elects to start working on weaving some of those flowers together.]
[Amaya enters and his mismatched red eyes follow her as she moves and picks flowers, then joins him, shoulder-to-shoulder. It's an automatic reaction more than a conscious one; he can never truly shut himself down when the threat of danger was ever-present in Aelios.
But slowly, slowly he starts to come back into himself, to fight through the dull ache and focus, just a little bit more. First on her words.]
...I don't know. [...] A little like I've been [stabbed?] punched in the ribs.
[Given the wording, it seems he was going for humor, but there's simply nothing in his voice.]
Not quite numb, and not... the usual emptiness. I think that should be good, but it doesn't feel very good.
[It means he cares, right? That he's still worked up about all of it in some way. If he'd just gone back to the usual apathy, then that would imply that none of it mattered to him. Maybe it would be preferable than these confusing, conflicting feelings, but it's hard to think that when it implies he wouldn't care about Seymour at all.]
Mmm. I imagine so, considering everything that's happened today. It was quite shocking.
[Amaya's words are distant, but she's here; she wants to make sure that this doesn't focus a single bit on herself, considering the fact that Zvei has had to hold onto both her and Yuki's mental health today.
It's his turn to be taken care of, as far as Amaya is concerned.]
...I imagine you must be upset with the proceedings; it can feel like a mental equivalent, of getting punched in the chest. Knocking all air out of you and rendering you shaken, and deeply so.
[Her words are a little clinical, but Amaya just idly weaves the flowers she's picked while she continues to work.]
Talk to me, more about this feeling you face. We can take it apart together, if that will help you. [...] But I am here to listen. I want to.
[Zvei watches her hands, the repetitive act of weaving the flowers together a good distraction to keep him focused on something and outside of his own head. The words come easier and more naturally as he settles.]
I feel anger. I can at least recognize that one now. But it's... less prominent, this time. [Let's not focus on when the last time was.] I'm angry at them for wanting to keep him alive, just so the hands could take him. I'm angry at them for acting as though what Nala did was at all justified. I'm angry at them for claiming that the cycle of bloodshed needs to end, when it only ends on a person they like.
[And he is angry, about all of that. The heat simmers even just talking about it, but it's like a flickering candle; it exists, but doesn't provide enough warmth or light to truly burst into an inferno.]
At the very least I can rest assured that he will join us soon, and better for him to be here with us than there with them.
[But that's not the only thing he's feeling, and explaining the other one...]
I also feel... lost, I think. I don't know how to describe it. It's a slow, dull ache that seeks to rip the breath from my lungs and strangle me. It... hurts, knowing that he was suffering and that no one could reach him.
[Did anyone even try? No. He doesn't want to think that they never tried at all.]
If things had been different at any point... could this have ended differently?
...They've all grown sick in the head. And here I thought they couldn't get much worse, but I'm not surprised. They would go parading Nala around like some sort of venerated heroine.
[Keeping him alive so they can watch their sick sense of justice play out? There's justice, yes, there's eye for an eye of course, but that? That is sickening, as far as Amaya's concerned. There's punishment and then there's torture, and at this point maybe they all should just--
...
This place has done terrible things to her head.]
Your anger is understandable, I think. The lot of them have become hypocrites of the highest order, and Seymour was the example used; while he did not tell me much of what you two spoke of, as I did not pry...he did value you. Highly. I can understand if the feeling was mutual.
[As for the rest...Amaya continues to weave, keeping a steady calm about her as she puzzles it out.]
...If I had to take a stab at that, I believe the feeling may be attributed to...mournful, in a way. Perhaps sorrowful, that he had to suffer so. But I can understand the feeling of being lost.
[...]
He...really has been a punching bag in this place, moreso than the others may even realize. And frankly, with their lack of any semblance of empathy, I wouldn't be surprised if they stuck their head in the ground and wanted to play pretend like a bunch of children. As if they hadn't worn a man down to nothing with their useless commentary. Like these actions aren't--
...I shouldn't be so venomous, but I understand what you are getting at. It does hurt, knowing this could have easily been avoided. Even the simplest bit of consideration...
[...]
Perhaps things could have played out differently. But you musn't trap yourself within your own mind with such thoughts; we cannot change the past.
After a moment of silence, Zvei drops his head to rest on Amaya's shoulder. His mismatched eyes are still on her hands and the flowers.]
I didn't know nearly enough about him before I passed. I wanted to learn more. He's such a fascinating individual.
I'm not surprised to hear that this place was doing a number on him, though. I saw it myself. He was... surprised that I even could find him attractive. I had to reassure him that I wasn't playing a cruel trick on him.
[And that was only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. How much worse did it get after Zvei died? Apparently the feeling was somewhat mutual, if Seymour was also hurt by Zvei's death.
But Amaya is right. He can't get trapped in the what ifs. He has to focus on the here and now, the present, and the people who still matter. On Yuki, where he fought against his selfishness and desire to just leave to try to do right by him. On Amaya, who has struggled all day and still gone out of her way just to make sure he's doing alright. On Seymour, who is undoubtedly going to have a difficult time adjusting here, because it won't be a kind reception waiting for him from most people.]
...Sorrow. I didn't think I could feel such a thing. It isn't something I've felt before— Actually.
[Now that he thinks about it... Maybe this isn't the first time. There was an undercurrent of this helplessness beneath the anger when Amaya was killed. That trial felt like an eternity of grappling with that fury, but this was always present beneath it, wasn't it? Now it's like the scales have been flipped, with this feeling outweighing the anger. Is it different because Seymour killed? He doesn't know. It's hard to even guess at it right now.]
I think you might be right. I felt this— last trial, as well.
[No sense in bringing up Amaya's death if he doesn't have to, and he presses on so she hopefully doesn't think too much about it.]
I wish the world would have been kinder to him, so he could appreciate himself more. I wish things hadn't gotten to this point... but wishing won't change anything. So I'll pull myself together tomorrow, and wait for him to arrive.
[Amaya's gaze darts to Zvei for a brief moment, but she doesn't shrug him off of her at all; no, she...actually doesn't mind this. It almost feels natural, strangely enough. When did it start to feel that way? A question for later, truthfully, but Amaya listens to him and she finds herself unsurprised.]
...His self esteem was worn down much by what he's faced; this place did not help matters in the slightest. If Lynne and Ramuda could have just kept their commentary to themselves, we could have avoided so much of this. If even one person had shown him care and understanding...
[Amaya feels even more guilt for dying on him. Even more guilt at loving so many people on the other side, but the conclusion is the same.
They're fake. They're all fake, all of them. The same people who treated her with sympathy in the same breath damning Seymour because they couldn't understand. It's almost laughable, truly. She definitely has more to say about that, but--
...Sorrow. I didn't think I could feel such a thing. It isn't something I've felt beforeβ Actually.
I think you might be right. I felt thisβ last trial, as well.
Oh. Amaya's whole body seems to just pause for a moment, as if she's been struck. It isn't as if it didn't make sense--he had to have let her hug onto him, to let her be such a pitiful wreck in front of him, for a reason. But knowing that it could very well be due to him feeling sorrow over her and him both...]
...Yes, you can do that. But...there is nothing wrong with being a little weak tonight, if you find yourself needing to be.
[Amaya finds herself pausing, placing the woven flowers into her lap and looking to Zvei as she does. A part of her wonders if this might be overstepping; granted, it's not as if she knows what the hell they are. She doesn't even know what she and Seymour are, honestly. But she knows Zvei is hurting, and even if she doesn't know how...
She wants to ease that hurt, if only a bit.]
You can lean on me, you know. You've let so many others do so, upon you.
Let me take care of you for a little bit. Do you mind?
[Amaya saw it too, then. Yes, Seymour was more sensitive than the others likely thought, and the things they said about him were barbs he couldn't ignore. Maybe this could have been avoided if Amaya had lived, or if Zvei had lived, or if one of the others had managed to reach Seymour like they had. A tragedy that could have been prevented, and yet wasn't. And here they are, left to pick up the pieces.
Amaya freezes and stops working on the flowers, and Zvei doesn't move to properly look up at her. Kind of hard to do that from this positioning, and he doesn't really want to move. He wants the proximity. He wants to be close, for reasons he doesn't fully understand or want to examine.]
Have I? [He asks it almost as an afterthought, because it doesn't really feel like that.] I only ever do what I want to do.
[And what is it he wants to do right now? Zvei closes his eyes and releases a breath that doesn't quite make it to a laugh.]
Sure. I think... I still need some time to pull myself together. As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
[That one at least sounds a bit more like a joke, a bit more like his usual self.]
[And pick up the pieces they will, when Seymour arrives. They can deal with whatever comes their way; they can deal with whatever Yuki does and his judgement, and they can keep Seymour safe. He'll have them now, as he always should have.
Amaya pauses a bit more as she listens to Zvei, her gaze flicking to him on her shoulder as he says that.]
Hmm. Perhaps you have a more nurturing soul than even you realize, inside of you. You've taken care of Yuki and I both so well; you listen to us, and grant us reprieve while asking nothing of yourself. If that is what you want to do, I don't think any of us will stop you.
[That little joke though...Amaya finds herself pausing for well over a minute at that, looking at him and staring with those dead, yellow eyes of hers. She looks down at him, resting against her shoulder so easily, and she could just leave it at that. She could just let him rest, as he wishes to.
...
As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
(roll resolve: 19.)]
You could give a girl ideas, you know. But if you're offering...
[Amaya finally breaks the silence for a brief, brief moment before gently angling her head so she can press a small kiss to his forehead. It's...quite shy, surprisingly; gentle despite it all, and she almost immediately draws back to go back to work, ignoring the growing pink of her cheeks.
He offered, after all. And...maybe she does want to comfort him, a touch; not that she knows if this will. But so many mothers she saw did this to their kids when they were sad, so maybe...]
[The first part gets a soft hum of acknowledgement from him. He doesn't agree - he always has had his own selfish reasons behind helping Yuki and Amaya, after all - but it's nice that she can think so positively of him.
But then she pauses for quite awhile longer than he was expecting, and he finally shifts enough so that he can glance up at her as if to ask did I say something strange? She answers that unasked question with a kiss to his forehead, and that leaves Zvei blinking in silence. Though he's not entirely aware of it, Amaya's not the only one turning pink.
For a moment, he allows himself to fall back into what ifs. What if Amaya didn't stop there? What if she wanted to go further, for comfort or a distraction or amusement doesn't matter, it would be a welcome reprieve. What if she continued to be so gentle and soft with him, and threatened to dismantle him piece by piece? What if she continued to cherish him, despite all of his horrid, unbearable flaws?
What if she could do more than cherish him, and what if he could feel the same way?
Zvei closes his eyes and forces all of those thoughts out of his head. Pure fantasy, nothing more.]
You're the one who's going to start giving me ideas...
[It's light though, relaxed. It's okay that things will never be that way, because he never expected it. What matters is her company and friendship. He doesn't need anything else.]
...I wish my hair was longer, then I could ask you to braid it.
[A different topic, offering her a distraction, if she wants it. A way to put all of that behind them and reorient themselves on more familiar, understandable ground. An out, so they don't have to talk about it. Maybe it's for her sake, maybe it's for his own. He's not sure at this point.]
[Amaya isn't sure what she'll see if she looks back at Zvei. A part of her is ready for questioning if needed, that she's merely imitating the comforting things she's seen others do. She doesn't need to justify herself to him, she knows, but she wants to make sure she isn't misunderstood. That he can walk away from this if needed, from this defective human being who can't even possibly give him what he deserves.
She wants to do so much more. That small kiss could escalate, and maybe it would be nice to let caution fly to the wind again. Maybe it would be nice to kiss every little imperfection on his face and love him for it anyway, to see if he could love her and all of her wretched flaws in kind. But she can't; she knows she can't. She's too defective for that, too broken. This much is...
It isn't enough, but it needs to be.]
...I would not mind trying, if your hair ever decides to grow to that length. I think you could pull off something beautiful.
[Amaya keeps on weaving, letting silence fall over them for a little bit before speaking up again.]
...I won't do that again, if you do not want me to. I'd...rather not give you false ideas.
[Because she doesn't know how she feels. How he feels. And he deserves better than that.]
[Zvei tries to imagine himself with long hair. It doesn't work. Little does he know pre-amnesia he did have long hair that he braided. The jokes write themselves.]
Hmm, maybe. I like it better on you.
[But after the silence spans and she breaks it...
...Ah.
Yeah, that's all it was, just a silly little fantasy. Of course she wouldn't feel such a way about someone like him. How could she? A broken, twisted individual such as himself barely even counts as a person without his memories - he doesn't know who he is, or why he's like this, or anything about his life before that day deep within Ize-Vti. It would be unfair to expect anything else of her - she's already being far too generous as it is by indulging him so often.
And surely she knows that, doesn't she? Amaya's a smart woman, capable and caring, able to read others well enough to get along in the world better than Zvei himself, despite their similar emotional problems. She likely knows exactly how much he's using her for his own selfish ends, and she lets him do it without complaint. A magnanimous woman like that deserves better than he could ever provide, even if he were to entertain such an idea further.
Don't be stupid, he scolds himself. There wasn't a chance to begin with. You know better than to want what you can't have.
And it stings, a little. To be rejected so openly. But it's better this way - better for them both. She won't have to navigate this situation again, and he won't ever have to think about it. Because it isn't a possibility, and he isn't going to make this mistake again.]
My apologies, [don't you dare let a hint of it show; this isn't her fault and she shouldn't blame herself] I suppose I got a bit carried away. I won't trouble you with it again.
[Mismatched eyes are fixed on her hands again and selfishly, selfishly he wants to stay right here. To keep his head on her shoulder, to live in this small little moment where just for a little while, he had the luxury of pretending.
...But he exhales softly and moves to sit up properly. It isn't fair to her, and she already puts up with so, so much of his selfishness.]
[She feels her cheeks dare to heat at that, and a part of her just genuinely wants to throw caution to the wind and say to hell with it all. It isn't fair to him. She's a freak without a heart to most people, even if she only really has half of one. They're simply friends, they're simply people who need to keep a distance, but everything in her wants to take that chance finally, and maybe say something she can't understand. As if she could love him with that strange, broken heart of hers, and...
She hears Zvei speak up again, and for a brief moment, she's confused. He acts like he's done something wrong, when he hasn't; this is just their usual, isn't it? This is just the way they have always been, teasing and playing into banter, and she was--
He starts to get up and walk away, and Amaya's eyes widen--it might be a little bit of a sudden motion, but Amaya quickly grasps at his hand, or just something and she clings a little tighter than intended before she speaks up.]
Wait. Zvei, what are you talking about? I'm...I'm the one who's trying to meddle in things I do not understand, clearly. I...
[Amaya pauses, not even sure of what this is, but she looks up at him with concern and almost borderline desperation.]
...I don't want to hurt you, and if I have, I'm terribly sorry. I'm the one who overstepped, not you.
[Amaya grabs his hand even before he can fully get up, and Zvei stares at her, blinking. Her grip is tight, like she doesn't want to let go, but it's her words that really stall him.]
But you haven't overstepped? Really, I don't know why you're claiming you were meddling in anything...
[Okay. Okay, we're both horribly confused and we're going to hurt ourselves in our confusion at this rate so let's just... back up. He takes her hand in both of hers, as if to reassure her he isn't going anywhere. Yet, at least. Maybe that's lie #3, depending on how this goes.]
[Something trembles briefly in her expression, and she's not sure if it's because she can practically feel that he's lying to her--he has to be, he wouldn't try to walk away if this wasn't the case, but she...
The more Amaya thinks about it, the more she's scared of putting a word to it. But she made her bed; she's perfectly capable of lying in it.]
People don't just kiss people on the forehead that they don't like in some manner, Zvei. Parents kiss their children, children sometimes return it. People who...care for one another, they do this as well. I...
[...]
...I wanted to comfort you, as you have done for me so many times over. What I did in service of that was...without thinking, because I thought it might help.
...But I... [Amaya pauses a bit, trying to work out how to say this.] I fear saying something I do not mean. All the same, however, you...do inspire some of the most confusing feelings in me.
...Perhaps that is why I thought such an action was acceptable, and I apologize for subjecting you to it. And I think it is...affection, of a sort. That I fear I am meddling with.
[Love is too hard of a word to say, but this is...safe.]
[Amaya has neatly laid all the pieces of this puzzle out for him. He can see their edges and how some fit together, but somehow, the pieces don't fit neatly into one picture. He's missing something. He's missing something, or maybe they're pieces to multiple separate pictures and he can't see it, and either way the end result is that he's still just as confused, because he's not really seeing a problem here.]
But I didn't mind it?
[It's the first thing out of his mouth, because that seems to be what this is hinging on. That she made a mistake by kissing him on the forehead, and he can't think of it as such. His own thoughts that followed were the mistakes, not her action.]
I don't... really understand affection. [Let's start there, back up a bit.] I was subjected to such things, occasionally. But before Yuki became sick, I had very little experience with them. In fact, I didn't like them much at all. I didn't want others in my space or touching me, with only one exception.
[And then Yuki slowly worked his way into Zvei's bubble, and now here he is, a socialized feral cat!]
So I apologize for not understanding, but I'm... not following. You're afraid that this action says something you didn't want it to say?
[It's like speaking a language you're only just learning with someone who's fluent - there are pieces you can grasp, but not the whole. The intricacies are just outside of his reach, and it's frustrating to not understand what's causing her distress, when she seems to think it's her own fault, somehow.]
[...Right, she forgot for a second that he's even worse at this than she is.]
...You needn't apologize. If anything, I simply shouldn't have done it even as a passing fancy, but I...
[She's quiet once that's out there, not taking her gaze off of him for a moment.]
I am glad you did not mind it. But the best way I can put this is simply; I...wanted to do that, for a reason I do not fully understand. Or at the very least, it does not fit into the neat definitions and feelings that I have tried so hard to understand.
[Ugh. She's just gonna have to come out and say it.]
...I thought I was driving you away, somehow, in doing so; that is the best definition that I can come up with.
And... [...] Maybe I wouldn't mind it, if you got ideas. But I don't think words are going to suffice, so...
Permit me an action, instead, to try and understand this.
[...She's really about to fuckin' do this, isn't she.]
...And if you do not want me to, you need only say the word.
[And that's about all of the warning he gets, before Amaya simply throws caution and subtlety to the wind in it's entirety as she rises up to meet his lips and kiss him. Maybe to find out what she feels towards him; maybe to find out what he feels toward her, but...
It's likely going to be brief, unless he has anything to say about it. Amaya's deeply inexperienced, after all; just full of entirely too much moxie for her own good. But...
...Oh, that emptiness is vast she's feeling.]
1/9 no i'm not joking my only regret is i couldn't find a way to make it 10
[So the problem seems to be that it had some kind of emotional reaction that Amaya is having a problem with. Okay, he can understand that, sometimes his feelings do a weird thing and he just sort of has to Deal, so he can accept that it happened to her. He can also understand where she'd be worried about him trying to leave, and why she assumed it was her fault, because she was already criticizing her own actions. The picture becomes clearer, but it's still a blurry mess that doesn't quite make sense.
He nods at Amaya's words - he trusts her, after all. If she thinks an action will explain this better, then he won't question it and he waits patiently.]
Amaya Sasaki kisses him, Zvei, the mess masquerading as a person desperately clinging to a past he can't remember and unwilling to look toward a future without it.
[That... it doesn't add up. It's the equivalent of Amaya throwing the puzzle out the nearest window and setting the house on fire for good measure. He was the one getting crazy ideas from a gesture of affection that his touch-starved self read too much into, not her? And yet here she is kissing him, believing that this will shed light on the situation instead of just confuse him even more.]
[He shouldn't make assumptions. Assumptions lead to disastrous results, as seen within this very conversation. What he should do is ask her to elaborate in tiny words because maybe then he won't be able to misinterpret things or misunderstand what it is she's trying to say, because he is so tremendously terrible at this.]
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necromants) wrote2025-11-01 09:01 pm
no subject
It's been surpassed by something unfamiliar. A dull ache, like the ghost of a massive bruise long since healed. It tugs at him, distracting him from the distractions he sought out.
He found himself in the gardens, and meant to take the time to read through his notes and see if there's anything else he needs to write down. But the end result is that he's just sitting on the grass staring blankly at his notebook, looking over the same portion of the cipher over and over again without actually accomplishing anything.
The anger is a slow simmer, and the ache has become like white noise. Both feel unnatural and uncomfortable and he can't focus like this. If he could focus, then maybe he could drive them both away with a distraction, but instead... Well, instead he's just sort of staring at his notebook and doing a whole lot of nothing. He's remarkably still for someone who is usually so animated.]
no subject
...
Amaya will go and pick some flowers, briefly--some beautiful, deep reds and pinks, carrying them in her arms before she simply mirrors Zvei's actions during the trial.
She walks right over, sitting shoulder to shoulder with him and elects to start working on weaving some of those flowers together.]
...How are you feeling, after all of that?
no subject
But slowly, slowly he starts to come back into himself, to fight through the dull ache and focus, just a little bit more. First on her words.]
...I don't know. [...] A little like I've been [stabbed?] punched in the ribs.
[Given the wording, it seems he was going for humor, but there's simply nothing in his voice.]
Not quite numb, and not... the usual emptiness. I think that should be good, but it doesn't feel very good.
[It means he cares, right? That he's still worked up about all of it in some way. If he'd just gone back to the usual apathy, then that would imply that none of it mattered to him. Maybe it would be preferable than these confusing, conflicting feelings, but it's hard to think that when it implies he wouldn't care about Seymour at all.]
no subject
[Amaya's words are distant, but she's here; she wants to make sure that this doesn't focus a single bit on herself, considering the fact that Zvei has had to hold onto both her and Yuki's mental health today.
It's his turn to be taken care of, as far as Amaya is concerned.]
...I imagine you must be upset with the proceedings; it can feel like a mental equivalent, of getting punched in the chest. Knocking all air out of you and rendering you shaken, and deeply so.
[Her words are a little clinical, but Amaya just idly weaves the flowers she's picked while she continues to work.]
Talk to me, more about this feeling you face. We can take it apart together, if that will help you. [...] But I am here to listen. I want to.
no subject
I feel anger. I can at least recognize that one now. But it's... less prominent, this time. [Let's not focus on when the last time was.] I'm angry at them for wanting to keep him alive, just so the hands could take him. I'm angry at them for acting as though what Nala did was at all justified. I'm angry at them for claiming that the cycle of bloodshed needs to end, when it only ends on a person they like.
[And he is angry, about all of that. The heat simmers even just talking about it, but it's like a flickering candle; it exists, but doesn't provide enough warmth or light to truly burst into an inferno.]
At the very least I can rest assured that he will join us soon, and better for him to be here with us than there with them.
[But that's not the only thing he's feeling, and explaining the other one...]
I also feel... lost, I think. I don't know how to describe it. It's a slow, dull ache that seeks to rip the breath from my lungs and strangle me. It... hurts, knowing that he was suffering and that no one could reach him.
[Did anyone even try? No. He doesn't want to think that they never tried at all.]
If things had been different at any point... could this have ended differently?
no subject
[Keeping him alive so they can watch their sick sense of justice play out? There's justice, yes, there's eye for an eye of course, but that? That is sickening, as far as Amaya's concerned. There's punishment and then there's torture, and at this point maybe they all should just--
...
This place has done terrible things to her head.]
Your anger is understandable, I think. The lot of them have become hypocrites of the highest order, and Seymour was the example used; while he did not tell me much of what you two spoke of, as I did not pry...he did value you. Highly. I can understand if the feeling was mutual.
[As for the rest...Amaya continues to weave, keeping a steady calm about her as she puzzles it out.]
...If I had to take a stab at that, I believe the feeling may be attributed to...mournful, in a way. Perhaps sorrowful, that he had to suffer so. But I can understand the feeling of being lost.
[...]
He...really has been a punching bag in this place, moreso than the others may even realize. And frankly, with their lack of any semblance of empathy, I wouldn't be surprised if they stuck their head in the ground and wanted to play pretend like a bunch of children. As if they hadn't worn a man down to nothing with their useless commentary. Like these actions aren't--
...I shouldn't be so venomous, but I understand what you are getting at. It does hurt, knowing this could have easily been avoided. Even the simplest bit of consideration...
[...]
Perhaps things could have played out differently. But you musn't trap yourself within your own mind with such thoughts; we cannot change the past.
no subject
After a moment of silence, Zvei drops his head to rest on Amaya's shoulder. His mismatched eyes are still on her hands and the flowers.]
I didn't know nearly enough about him before I passed. I wanted to learn more. He's such a fascinating individual.
I'm not surprised to hear that this place was doing a number on him, though. I saw it myself. He was... surprised that I even could find him attractive. I had to reassure him that I wasn't playing a cruel trick on him.
[And that was only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. How much worse did it get after Zvei died? Apparently the feeling was somewhat mutual, if Seymour was also hurt by Zvei's death.
But Amaya is right. He can't get trapped in the what ifs. He has to focus on the here and now, the present, and the people who still matter. On Yuki, where he fought against his selfishness and desire to just leave to try to do right by him. On Amaya, who has struggled all day and still gone out of her way just to make sure he's doing alright. On Seymour, who is undoubtedly going to have a difficult time adjusting here, because it won't be a kind reception waiting for him from most people.]
...Sorrow. I didn't think I could feel such a thing. It isn't something I've felt before— Actually.
[Now that he thinks about it... Maybe this isn't the first time. There was an undercurrent of this helplessness beneath the anger when Amaya was killed. That trial felt like an eternity of grappling with that fury, but this was always present beneath it, wasn't it? Now it's like the scales have been flipped, with this feeling outweighing the anger. Is it different because Seymour killed? He doesn't know. It's hard to even guess at it right now.]
I think you might be right. I felt this— last trial, as well.
[No sense in bringing up Amaya's death if he doesn't have to, and he presses on so she hopefully doesn't think too much about it.]
I wish the world would have been kinder to him, so he could appreciate himself more. I wish things hadn't gotten to this point... but wishing won't change anything. So I'll pull myself together tomorrow, and wait for him to arrive.
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...His self esteem was worn down much by what he's faced; this place did not help matters in the slightest. If Lynne and Ramuda could have just kept their commentary to themselves, we could have avoided so much of this. If even one person had shown him care and understanding...
[Amaya feels even more guilt for dying on him. Even more guilt at loving so many people on the other side, but the conclusion is the same.
They're fake. They're all fake, all of them. The same people who treated her with sympathy in the same breath damning Seymour because they couldn't understand. It's almost laughable, truly. She definitely has more to say about that, but--
...Sorrow. I didn't think I could feel such a thing. It isn't something I've felt beforeβ Actually.
I think you might be right. I felt thisβ last trial, as well.
Oh. Amaya's whole body seems to just pause for a moment, as if she's been struck. It isn't as if it didn't make sense--he had to have let her hug onto him, to let her be such a pitiful wreck in front of him, for a reason. But knowing that it could very well be due to him feeling sorrow over her and him both...]
...Yes, you can do that. But...there is nothing wrong with being a little weak tonight, if you find yourself needing to be.
[Amaya finds herself pausing, placing the woven flowers into her lap and looking to Zvei as she does. A part of her wonders if this might be overstepping; granted, it's not as if she knows what the hell they are. She doesn't even know what she and Seymour are, honestly. But she knows Zvei is hurting, and even if she doesn't know how...
She wants to ease that hurt, if only a bit.]
You can lean on me, you know. You've let so many others do so, upon you.
Let me take care of you for a little bit. Do you mind?
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Amaya freezes and stops working on the flowers, and Zvei doesn't move to properly look up at her. Kind of hard to do that from this positioning, and he doesn't really want to move. He wants the proximity. He wants to be close, for reasons he doesn't fully understand or want to examine.]
Have I? [He asks it almost as an afterthought, because it doesn't really feel like that.] I only ever do what I want to do.
[And what is it he wants to do right now? Zvei closes his eyes and releases a breath that doesn't quite make it to a laugh.]
Sure. I think... I still need some time to pull myself together. As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
[That one at least sounds a bit more like a joke, a bit more like his usual self.]
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Amaya pauses a bit more as she listens to Zvei, her gaze flicking to him on her shoulder as he says that.]
Hmm. Perhaps you have a more nurturing soul than even you realize, inside of you. You've taken care of Yuki and I both so well; you listen to us, and grant us reprieve while asking nothing of yourself. If that is what you want to do, I don't think any of us will stop you.
[That little joke though...Amaya finds herself pausing for well over a minute at that, looking at him and staring with those dead, yellow eyes of hers. She looks down at him, resting against her shoulder so easily, and she could just leave it at that. She could just let him rest, as he wishes to.
...
As long as you don't mind that, then you can do whatever you want to me.
(roll resolve: 19.)]
You could give a girl ideas, you know. But if you're offering...
[Amaya finally breaks the silence for a brief, brief moment before gently angling her head so she can press a small kiss to his forehead. It's...quite shy, surprisingly; gentle despite it all, and she almost immediately draws back to go back to work, ignoring the growing pink of her cheeks.
He offered, after all. And...maybe she does want to comfort him, a touch; not that she knows if this will. But so many mothers she saw did this to their kids when they were sad, so maybe...]
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But then she pauses for quite awhile longer than he was expecting, and he finally shifts enough so that he can glance up at her as if to ask did I say something strange? She answers that unasked question with a kiss to his forehead, and that leaves Zvei blinking in silence. Though he's not entirely aware of it, Amaya's not the only one turning pink.
For a moment, he allows himself to fall back into what ifs. What if Amaya didn't stop there? What if she wanted to go further, for comfort or a distraction or amusement doesn't matter, it would be a welcome reprieve. What if she continued to be so gentle and soft with him, and threatened to dismantle him piece by piece? What if she continued to cherish him, despite all of his horrid, unbearable flaws?
What if she could do more than cherish him, and what if he could feel the same way?
Zvei closes his eyes and forces all of those thoughts out of his head. Pure fantasy, nothing more.]
You're the one who's going to start giving me ideas...
[It's light though, relaxed. It's okay that things will never be that way, because he never expected it. What matters is her company and friendship. He doesn't need anything else.]
...I wish my hair was longer, then I could ask you to braid it.
[A different topic, offering her a distraction, if she wants it. A way to put all of that behind them and reorient themselves on more familiar, understandable ground. An out, so they don't have to talk about it. Maybe it's for her sake, maybe it's for his own. He's not sure at this point.]
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She wants to do so much more. That small kiss could escalate, and maybe it would be nice to let caution fly to the wind again. Maybe it would be nice to kiss every little imperfection on his face and love him for it anyway, to see if he could love her and all of her wretched flaws in kind. But she can't; she knows she can't. She's too defective for that, too broken. This much is...
It isn't enough, but it needs to be.]
...I would not mind trying, if your hair ever decides to grow to that length. I think you could pull off something beautiful.
[Amaya keeps on weaving, letting silence fall over them for a little bit before speaking up again.]
...I won't do that again, if you do not want me to. I'd...rather not give you false ideas.
[Because she doesn't know how she feels. How he feels. And he deserves better than that.]
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Hmm, maybe. I like it better on you.
[But after the silence spans and she breaks it...
...Ah.
Yeah, that's all it was, just a silly little fantasy. Of course she wouldn't feel such a way about someone like him. How could she? A broken, twisted individual such as himself barely even counts as a person without his memories - he doesn't know who he is, or why he's like this, or anything about his life before that day deep within Ize-Vti. It would be unfair to expect anything else of her - she's already being far too generous as it is by indulging him so often.
And surely she knows that, doesn't she? Amaya's a smart woman, capable and caring, able to read others well enough to get along in the world better than Zvei himself, despite their similar emotional problems. She likely knows exactly how much he's using her for his own selfish ends, and she lets him do it without complaint. A magnanimous woman like that deserves better than he could ever provide, even if he were to entertain such an idea further.
Don't be stupid, he scolds himself. There wasn't a chance to begin with. You know better than to want what you can't have.
And it stings, a little. To be rejected so openly. But it's better this way - better for them both. She won't have to navigate this situation again, and he won't ever have to think about it. Because it isn't a possibility, and he isn't going to make this mistake again.]
My apologies, [don't you dare let a hint of it show; this isn't her fault and she shouldn't blame herself] I suppose I got a bit carried away. I won't trouble you with it again.
[Mismatched eyes are fixed on her hands again and selfishly, selfishly he wants to stay right here. To keep his head on her shoulder, to live in this small little moment where just for a little while, he had the luxury of pretending.
...But he exhales softly and moves to sit up properly. It isn't fair to her, and she already puts up with so, so much of his selfishness.]
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She hears Zvei speak up again, and for a brief moment, she's confused. He acts like he's done something wrong, when he hasn't; this is just their usual, isn't it? This is just the way they have always been, teasing and playing into banter, and she was--
He starts to get up and walk away, and Amaya's eyes widen--it might be a little bit of a sudden motion, but Amaya quickly grasps at his hand, or just something and she clings a little tighter than intended before she speaks up.]
Wait. Zvei, what are you talking about? I'm...I'm the one who's trying to meddle in things I do not understand, clearly. I...
[Amaya pauses, not even sure of what this is, but she looks up at him with concern and almost borderline desperation.]
...I don't want to hurt you, and if I have, I'm terribly sorry. I'm the one who overstepped, not you.
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You haven't hurt me. [Lie #1.] I'm perfectly fine. [Lie #2.]
But you haven't overstepped? Really, I don't know why you're claiming you were meddling in anything...
[Okay. Okay, we're both horribly confused and we're going to hurt ourselves in our confusion at this rate so let's just... back up. He takes her hand in both of hers, as if to reassure her he isn't going anywhere. Yet, at least. Maybe that's lie #3, depending on how this goes.]
What do you think you were meddling in, exactly?
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The more Amaya thinks about it, the more she's scared of putting a word to it. But she made her bed; she's perfectly capable of lying in it.]
People don't just kiss people on the forehead that they don't like in some manner, Zvei. Parents kiss their children, children sometimes return it. People who...care for one another, they do this as well. I...
[...]
...I wanted to comfort you, as you have done for me so many times over. What I did in service of that was...without thinking, because I thought it might help.
...But I... [Amaya pauses a bit, trying to work out how to say this.] I fear saying something I do not mean. All the same, however, you...do inspire some of the most confusing feelings in me.
...Perhaps that is why I thought such an action was acceptable, and I apologize for subjecting you to it. And I think it is...affection, of a sort. That I fear I am meddling with.
[Love is too hard of a word to say, but this is...safe.]
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But I didn't mind it?
[It's the first thing out of his mouth, because that seems to be what this is hinging on. That she made a mistake by kissing him on the forehead, and he can't think of it as such. His own thoughts that followed were the mistakes, not her action.]
I don't... really understand affection. [Let's start there, back up a bit.] I was subjected to such things, occasionally. But before Yuki became sick, I had very little experience with them. In fact, I didn't like them much at all. I didn't want others in my space or touching me, with only one exception.
[And then Yuki slowly worked his way into Zvei's bubble, and now here he is, a socialized feral cat!]
So I apologize for not understanding, but I'm... not following. You're afraid that this action says something you didn't want it to say?
[It's like speaking a language you're only just learning with someone who's fluent - there are pieces you can grasp, but not the whole. The intricacies are just outside of his reach, and it's frustrating to not understand what's causing her distress, when she seems to think it's her own fault, somehow.]
1/2
...You needn't apologize. If anything, I simply shouldn't have done it even as a passing fancy, but I...
[She's quiet once that's out there, not taking her gaze off of him for a moment.]
I am glad you did not mind it. But the best way I can put this is simply; I...wanted to do that, for a reason I do not fully understand. Or at the very least, it does not fit into the neat definitions and feelings that I have tried so hard to understand.
[Ugh. She's just gonna have to come out and say it.]
...I thought I was driving you away, somehow, in doing so; that is the best definition that I can come up with.
And... [...] Maybe I wouldn't mind it, if you got ideas. But I don't think words are going to suffice, so...
Permit me an action, instead, to try and understand this.
[...She's really about to fuckin' do this, isn't she.]
2/2
[And that's about all of the warning he gets, before Amaya simply throws caution and subtlety to the wind in it's entirety as she rises up to meet his lips and kiss him. Maybe to find out what she feels towards him; maybe to find out what he feels toward her, but...
It's likely going to be brief, unless he has anything to say about it. Amaya's deeply inexperienced, after all; just full of entirely too much moxie for her own good. But...
...Oh, that emptiness is vast she's feeling.]
1/9 no i'm not joking my only regret is i couldn't find a way to make it 10
He nods at Amaya's words - he trusts her, after all. If she thinks an action will explain this better, then he won't question it and he waits patiently.]
2/9
Amaya Sasaki kisses him, Zvei, the mess masquerading as a person desperately clinging to a past he can't remember and unwilling to look toward a future without it.
...]
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9/9 FINALLY
JESUS CHRISTMAS. 1/2
2/2
listen. it was really funny. so i had to.
you are so valid. one must be in a committed relationship with their bit.
EXACTLY.
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